SORRY! A LITTLE LONG_WINDED BUT I AM TRYING TO PROCESS.... Goodie goodie, it is bowling night again! Although tonight I honestly don't care for a couple reasons: 1)H leaves on cattle trip at 6 am tomorrow and hasn't packed a thing yet so he said he'd be home early 2)If the PA (it was also an EA) is ongoing despite his claim that he ended it 2 wks ago, it will happen whether they bowl together or not 3)I started back at work teaching today (after 2 years at home!!) and really enjoyed myself, don't want to ruin that excitement.
Anyway, trying to see if there is progress. Which is ironic bc H moves out to his apt. in one week from today. But I still think things are better than they were a month ago.
As I mentioned the other night, H said he is dreading move, but needs to do it to find out what he needs to change for himself and his life. Needs the peace, time away to figure out why he keeps "screwing up" (his words). Actually said he wanted to try and fix us, and for the first time in weeks hugged me and kissed my head before bed (in separate bedrooms).
Well I am hoping that progress wasn't set back last night. We got a sitter so we could go look at his apt., as I told him I wanted to see it before the kids do so I would be informed, prepared, etc. [Wanted to be able to say things like, I saw there is a playground nearby, or, I like the big tree outside your window, etc.But I didn't actually say that to H.] I picked H up at work (his truck was at the shop being cleaned) and we drove to the apt. We met the gal there to let us in, I was thinking he was picking up the keys. Apparently he pushed his contract date back to 1/21 bc he was going out of town most of this week. So we didn't get in his apt., just one "like" his. Except it was 2 br instead of 3. And in a different part of the complex, and with a different master BR layout.....I know it was dumb but I got all emotional and teared up. I told him I was pi$$ed bc I was wanting to see his place, not just "a" place, that if I wanted to see the layouts I could look on the computer. He told me that he never promised it would be his apartment, that he said we were looking at a model. Then he caught himself and said, I thought I told you it wasn't my actual apartment, maybe I didn't. I pulled myself together and explained to him what I said above, about wanting to see HIS place so I could be prepared more emotionally when we walk through it with the kids next week. We are taking them to visit it the day after we tell them about our S. Then after his furniture is all settled they will go back (2 or 3 days later) to spend an evening with Dad at his place. Anyway after I calmly explained why I was surprised/disappointed, he actually apologized and said he was sorry he didn't tell me it wasn't going to be his place, that he thought he did, and he understood now why I was so upset. (Rare for him to admit he was wrong or that he understood my emotional outbursts!) So after looking at apartment, which seems so sad and lonely after our big familiar house, we went to Toys R Us and bought D her toddler bed, it was the only furniture left to buy. H also got a booster seat for S to use in his truck so we don't have to swap out seats when they go back and forth. We talked about our schedules with kids (we always call it "S's calendar", never custody arrangement, visitation, etc.), and I mentioned that it would be nice to go to church on Sundays together but it was totally up to H. He said, "Yeah I would like to do that". He also mentioned that one night a week he'd like to come to "our" house to see the kids, with me there. Anyway after that he wanted me to take him to his truck and go get the kids. We'd only been gone 90 minutes. I was upset again (dang backsliding!!) bc babysitter said take our time. Only 2 more nights with H in the house so I was hoping we could go to dinner, spend time together, etc. (Sounds dumb I know since he IS leaving me, but then again he said he wants to work on things so maybe not so dumb). I mentioned dinner and he acted less than thrilled. So I said fine, I'll get your truck and we'll go get kids. He said ok let's do dinner. Then he was crabby all through dinner. Didn't dawn on me until we ordered that with bowling tonight, kids would be in bed when he got home. So last night was the last opportunity for him to be home with the kids as a family (not as a visitor)before he leaves for trip, and moves out next week). So I think that the moodiness at dinner was about not being w/the kids, not that he doesn't want to spend time with me?? We got the kids by 8 anyway, and they played with H before bed. Then H laid in S's bed for awhile. I came in, said I'd like to see him before he went to bed, even if he wanted to stay in bed with S all night, could he come out for a minute to talk to me. He said he'd be out in a minute.I guess I was just hoping for a nice moment together after he hugged/kissed me the night before. Should have known he wanted kiddo time. I know what is about to happen after all, and they don't. Anyway he never came out and I got pissed, went back in 40 min later and said, "So this is your last night at home and you won't come out. Guess you don't want to talk to me". Dumb dumb dumb!! I decided screw sleeping in D's bedroom, I am sleeping in my own bed in my own room tonight and he can sleep wherever he wants. As the separation date nears, I can feel my emotions rising up...Well, 20 minutes later, he comes and gets in our bed, too. First time in same bed in 3 weeks. Nothing happened, but still... This am I was up at 5:30 like him. Showered and ready to go teach when he was walking out, I was in kitchen. Walked past me to garage to leave and said "Bye". Couldn't help myself (at least, DIDN'T help myself!), said "Good luck at your first day back at work in two years, Honey!", meaning I was upset that he didn't say anything. He said, "I told you last night I was excited for you." Then, from out in the garage, he looked back through the door and said "I love you. Goodbye." AAAAAH! ILY??? First time he initiated it in so many weeks!? But don't know if it was genuine or guilt??I said, "I love you too, goodbye." At work I sent a quick text "Yay! Having so much fun teaching again. D was happy to go to school (daycare), too." Later he sent a pretty long reply, saying he was glad I was having such a good time, and saying he found his garage door opener (he lost it over weekend), but had borrowed mine and didn't think he put it back in the hiding spot where I had been leaving it so he could use it, too. Said I needed to come by his work and pick up his. So I went down after school to his work. He asked me how the day went, said he'd be home early (relatively anyway considering bowling), and was glad I had such a nice time. I was totally in GAL mode, telling him how I already had 4 more days lined up at this school (TRUE), and how excited I was (TRUE). Anyway I got home, and guess what? The opener was in the same spot where I left it? So maybe he wanted me to come by? Anyway with bowling tonight I will be totally silent, I won't contact him. When he comes home I won't initiate any conversation either, but will be upbeat and chipper charlie as much as I can be. Am hoping for something to happen since it is his last night in the house--he will probably stay next Sunday night after his trip but I am not sure--but I will not force it. Anyone think I am making progress???
