I understand, I really do. Sometimes the really "good" days are the hardest. Because I am sitting right next to him with our children but I know he isn't going to touch me, hold me, or tell me he loves me. That might be the only positive about him moving out (supposedly temporarily while he gets himself together)--if he isn't here just inches from me it will be easier to resist trying to touch him....Anyway I feel for you. I have read about a ton of people whose marriages survived the A and got better after...so keep the faith. I just keep re-reading the 180 section of Divorce Remedy, and the Last Resort Technique. Seems to be helping things...
SORRY! A LITTLE LONG_WINDED BUT I AM TRYING TO PROCESS.... Goodie goodie, it is bowling night again! Although tonight I honestly don't care for a couple reasons: 1)H leaves on cattle trip at 6 am tomorrow and hasn't packed a thing yet so he said he'd be home early 2)If the PA (it was also an EA) is ongoing despite his claim that he ended it 2 wks ago, it will happen whether they bowl together or not 3)I started back at work teaching today (after 2 years at home!!) and really enjoyed myself, don't want to ruin that excitement.
Anyway, trying to see if there is progress. Which is ironic bc H moves out to his apt. in one week from today. But I still think things are better than they were a month ago.
As I mentioned the other night, H said he is dreading move, but needs to do it to find out what he needs to change for himself and his life. Needs the peace, time away to figure out why he keeps "screwing up" (his words). Actually said he wanted to try and fix us, and for the first time in weeks hugged me and kissed my head before bed (in separate bedrooms).
Well I am hoping that progress wasn't set back last night. We got a sitter so we could go look at his apt., as I told him I wanted to see it before the kids do so I would be informed, prepared, etc. [Wanted to be able to say things like, I saw there is a playground nearby, or, I like the big tree outside your window, etc.But I didn't actually say that to H.] I picked H up at work (his truck was at the shop being cleaned) and we drove to the apt. We met the gal there to let us in, I was thinking he was picking up the keys. Apparently he pushed his contract date back to 1/21 bc he was going out of town most of this week. So we didn't get in his apt., just one "like" his. Except it was 2 br instead of 3. And in a different part of the complex, and with a different master BR layout.....I know it was dumb but I got all emotional and teared up. I told him I was pi$$ed bc I was wanting to see his place, not just "a" place, that if I wanted to see the layouts I could look on the computer. He told me that he never promised it would be his apartment, that he said we were looking at a model. Then he caught himself and said, I thought I told you it wasn't my actual apartment, maybe I didn't. I pulled myself together and explained to him what I said above, about wanting to see HIS place so I could be prepared more emotionally when we walk through it with the kids next week. We are taking them to visit it the day after we tell them about our S. Then after his furniture is all settled they will go back (2 or 3 days later) to spend an evening with Dad at his place. Anyway after I calmly explained why I was surprised/disappointed, he actually apologized and said he was sorry he didn't tell me it wasn't going to be his place, that he thought he did, and he understood now why I was so upset. (Rare for him to admit he was wrong or that he understood my emotional outbursts!) So after looking at apartment, which seems so sad and lonely after our big familiar house, we went to Toys R Us and bought D her toddler bed, it was the only furniture left to buy. H also got a booster seat for S to use in his truck so we don't have to swap out seats when they go back and forth. We talked about our schedules with kids (we always call it "S's calendar", never custody arrangement, visitation, etc.), and I mentioned that it would be nice to go to church on Sundays together but it was totally up to H. He said, "Yeah I would like to do that". He also mentioned that one night a week he'd like to come to "our" house to see the kids, with me there. Anyway after that he wanted me to take him to his truck and go get the kids. We'd only been gone 90 minutes. I was upset again (dang backsliding!!) bc babysitter said take our time. Only 2 more nights with H in the house so I was hoping we could go to dinner, spend time together, etc. (Sounds dumb I know since he IS leaving me, but then again he said he wants to work on things so maybe not so dumb). I mentioned dinner and he acted less than thrilled. So I said fine, I'll get your truck and we'll go get kids. He said ok let's do dinner. Then he was crabby all through dinner. Didn't dawn on me until we ordered that with bowling tonight, kids would be in bed when he got home. So last night was the last opportunity for him to be home with the kids as a family (not as a visitor)before he leaves for trip, and moves out next week). So I think that the moodiness at dinner was about not being w/the kids, not that he doesn't want to spend time with me?? We got the kids by 8 anyway, and they played with H before bed. Then H laid in S's bed for awhile. I came in, said I'd like to see him before he went to bed, even if he wanted to stay in bed with S all night, could he come out for a minute to talk to me. He said he'd be out in a minute.I guess I was just hoping for a nice moment together after he hugged/kissed me the night before. Should have known he wanted kiddo time. I know what is about to happen after all, and they don't. Anyway he never came out and I got pissed, went back in 40 min later and said, "So this is your last night at home and you won't come out. Guess you don't want to talk to me". Dumb dumb dumb!! I decided screw sleeping in D's bedroom, I am sleeping in my own bed in my own room tonight and he can sleep wherever he wants. As the separation date nears, I can feel my emotions rising up...Well, 20 minutes later, he comes and gets in our bed, too. First time in same bed in 3 weeks. Nothing happened, but still... This am I was up at 5:30 like him. Showered and ready to go teach when he was walking out, I was in kitchen. Walked past me to garage to leave and said "Bye". Couldn't help myself (at least, DIDN'T help myself!), said "Good luck at your first day back at work in two years, Honey!", meaning I was upset that he didn't say anything. He said, "I told you last night I was excited for you." Then, from out in the garage, he looked back through the door and said "I love you. Goodbye." AAAAAH! ILY??? First time he initiated it in so many weeks!? But don't know if it was genuine or guilt??I said, "I love you too, goodbye." At work I sent a quick text "Yay! Having so much fun teaching again. D was happy to go to school (daycare), too." Later he sent a pretty long reply, saying he was glad I was having such a good time, and saying he found his garage door opener (he lost it over weekend), but had borrowed mine and didn't think he put it back in the hiding spot where I had been leaving it so he could use it, too. Said I needed to come by his work and pick up his. So I went down after school to his work. He asked me how the day went, said he'd be home early (relatively anyway considering bowling), and was glad I had such a nice time. I was totally in GAL mode, telling him how I already had 4 more days lined up at this school (TRUE), and how excited I was (TRUE). Anyway I got home, and guess what? The opener was in the same spot where I left it? So maybe he wanted me to come by? Anyway with bowling tonight I will be totally silent, I won't contact him. When he comes home I won't initiate any conversation either, but will be upbeat and chipper charlie as much as I can be. Am hoping for something to happen since it is his last night in the house--he will probably stay next Sunday night after his trip but I am not sure--but I will not force it. Anyone think I am making progress???
So last night, bowling night, H texts me at 10:15. Basically, he sounds philosophical, saying that ever since Eve first tempted Adam the world hasn't been right with God, and bc Man is weak it never will be, but thanks that God is Merciful. WTF? I replied, yes, he is merciful. What is going on? His reply: At this point I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a woman as they all have an agenda. Hopefully I can learn to trust again or it will be a long and lonely life. WTF? I reply back for him to give me a call. I am thinking that he is with OW or something (She is on bowling league). I instantly freak out in my mind, he is back with her, hence the comments about being tempted and weak, he is going to stay out all night again--and leaves in the am for a 4 day trip--and I can't stand him to stay gone all night again. Well, he replies, "Pulling in." He actually was coming home!?So he sent messages on his way to our house....He comes in kitchen. I ask what is going on. He says the messages weren't some random ponderings but exactly how he feels right now. His phone beeps new message. "Man she is PSYCHO!!" he says, referring to OW. I said "Oh has she been bothering you all night", he says yes. Then the msg. turns out to be from the guy he is flying out with in the morning (I know bc he said so and then showed me his phone), so he talks to that guy for 10 min. Is it wrong to be thrilled that he calls the OW Psycho? I guess the illusion/romantic love is now replaced with dis-illusion? So basically I guess she ruined his night (not to say I told you so but I told him to stop bowling weeks ago. oh well I won't bring it up now!). So after he got off the phone, he said he truly does feel that all women have some sort of agenda, good or bad. I said I guess I am included in that, I will not lie. My agenda is to spend my life with my husband and children, but I do not think that is necessarily a negative agenda. Then I said that I am sorry he thinks he cannot trust any women incl. me, and that if he can think of a way for him to trust me more in the future, to let me know. He says, "I can't be your whole life". Recently I wrote him a "Detach w/love" letter where I told him I realized I expected him to be my main/only source of love,entertainment, etc. in the past and was working on making major changes in that arena, i.e. get a life. I said, "You read my letter, I am trying to change that, I know you can't be my whole life." He says, "NOW, you know that..."like he is mad it took me so long. I must have made a face bc he said "I thought you wanted me to talk, we are TALKING". His BIGGEST problem is lack of communication esp. re. our Relationship. So I scaled back 1000% and listened for a few minutes. He seemed done for the night. So I said I would listen again whenever he wanted me to, and I went to bed. Usually I would have tried to force him to talk the subject to death. I went in our bedroom and eventually, he came in to bed there, too. Second night in a row. No touching, but same bed.
So, is this progress? Or terrible that he says he doesn't trust women and we all have an agenda? At first I was really upset by the messages he sent, but then I thought: 1)He is frustrated/disgusted by OW right now--yay! 2)That dis-illusionment will color his feelings and is probably one reason he feels he can't trust women right now. 3)Whether I agree with his feelings or not, he DID share them with me which is new. So is this good? And what next? He is in Denver for 4 days. Since he said he can't be my life, I intend to honor that by not calling him unless it is urgent kid stuff, but to respond if he contacts me. What do you think?
Very brief update, I went in our bedroom last night for bed. I said no touching, but as I was working this morning I remembered waking up in the night and H's hand was curled around my thigh. Nothing sexual, just holding it. Fell back to sleep and when I woke up again we'd both rolled over away from each other. Probably no biggie. Anyway he left this morning on his trip, said goodbye before he left, and said "See you guys on Sunday". I didn't contact him, and he sent a TM at 10:45 telling me he made it and asking how day 2 back at work was going. I sent a reply that I was still loving it and set up with 6 more sub days for the next 3 weeks already which was great. Also said D is thrilled at daycare so all is good. I don't plan to contact him again unless he calls or TM's me like he did earlier today. Still hoping we are making progress. One thing that stuck out from last night was his comment "I can't be your whole life". So the more I do for myself and the less i wait on him, the better for both of us. I already realized I needed to make that change anyway.
So my H called from Denver last night. Was brief, as on the way to dinner with buddies, but he called! And I hadn't tried to call him at all. Then at 7:30 this am H calls my cell. Asks if I am on the way to work. Told him no, there was a snow day today but I am rescheduled to teach tomorrow. I put S on to say Hi, then get back on for a minute. He just wanted to see how things were going. After I hung up, I realized that since he called my cell and thought I was on the way to work, he was calling to talk to ME, not S or D. So confusing!? Every time I leave him alone, he contacts me. But that is good, right? I think so...Anyway busy day w/kids today, SNOW DAY! Hope we get some sledding or a snowman in today.
Don't know what my sitch is today. H called me in the morning yesterday, and then called again at night. I talked to him, then he asked to talk to S, then I heard him tell S to "put mom back on the phone". So he must have wanted to talk to me or he could have hung up after talking to S. So I hope I haven't put us back two steps again. I hadn't initiated contact with H in 4 days, had just been responding to his calls and/or TMs. But this morning I was in a good mood, going back to work at my favorite school for the third day this week, H had sounded really upbeat on the phone last night and glad that I was enjoying work and keeping busy with it. So I TM'ed him, "Just going in to work, hope you have a good day. Love ya" CRAP!!! I know, NO ILYS! And I really haven't! But I was feeling good about us staying in contact, good about my job, etc and just put it out there. I figured if he replied ignoring it I wouldn't do it again until he said ILY to me again(which he already finally did on Monday after 4 weeks). If he replied and included an ILY, I would probably still not do it again for quite a while but it would be an affirmation to me. WELL, guess what? No reply at all. It is only 3:00 in Denver and today was supposed to be a busy day so who knows. He knew I had to work until 3:30 my time (2:30 his) and knew the kids would be at school until then, too. So maybe he will call this evening like the last two evenings. I know I will not call him or text him, but if he calls I will do my best to play it cool. I won't even mention the TM. Hope I haven't messed up our progress!
GRRRR! H just called from Denver. Was glad he called. Talked to D for a minute, then asked to talk to S. Then he and I were talking. I told him how I was loving teaching, keeping busy, etc. Mentioned that there was no school on Monday due to MLK day (H moves into his apartment on Monday). So he wouldn't think I was waiting around, I said I was taking kids to daycare anyway and would be getting the paperwork ready to do our taxes. He asked me what forms had come so far (mortgage interest statement, church offering statement, etc.). Then he asks what I want to do with our refund!? I said, "Usually you get half to spend on your cattle business." H says not necessary this year. I say, "Then, we usually put half to paying off debt and half for a vacation, but don't know if we will take one this year." Then this happens:
M:"I want us to get you a car with the refund." My car is a 99 Accord with 175K miles on it. I said I wanted a new one NEXT spring or fall, in 2009. I figured mine would make it another 18 months and we could go without a car payment that long. Me: "I thought you wanted a new truck" (His is a 2003 F250). H: Even if I get a new truck I wants to drive your Accord to work and back bc it gets better gas mileage. Well, I lost my PMA. Me: "So, YOU want to buy ME a new car? You only want to get me a new car so you can use my old one, so you really are looking to help YOURSELF".
He started to explain his logic, then went silent (communication is his weakness) and said, "We will talk about this later." I tried to re-engage, he avoided, I asked how he is enjoying his trip, he replied "It's fine." I said, "So, are you not talking to me now, because I was disagreeing with you?" He admitted to our MC he shuts down when we have conflict bc it is easier than arguing w/me, but then he builds up resentment. So he says he just didn't want to talk bc I wasn't being logical. LOGICAL? 1)We have $7200 on credit card debt 2)He just racked up $2500 on new store card for furniture 3)He is adding $770/mo for his apartment rent So me wanting to pay down our debt is not LOGICAL? Wellllll, in the interest of DB and not ending the phone call in an argument, I told him I was wanting a new car, but the suggestion took me by surprise and he knew it always took me a minute to react to surprises (TRUE). I said I was just planning to get one in 18 months but if he thought it was a good idea I was willing to discuss it with him once he got back. I also mentioned wanting an Accord again, that I changed my mind about wanting a CR-V bc with just the two kids (we had to give our dog to friends bc she was too aggressive with our kids, the CR-V was so we'd have room for kids and dog and luggage when going back to Iowa). He said he agreed, that the Accord got better mileage and was more affordable, too. I told him we could talk more later, and I hoped he enjoyed his night--they were headed to dinner. He said thanks, and he would talk to me later. I hope that was right. I just didn't want to end the call on a negative note, bc if he thinks about me tonight or tomorrow I don't want him to dwell on a negative thought.....so I hope it was good that we ended the convo. in agreement....
OK Now I am thinking I should have told him to use the refund to pay for his 6 month lease. Would that have been too confrontational? An extra $800/mo is a lot of money, and doesn't include the utilities, groceries, etc. that come with living away from our home.
Isn't it a shame that we have to go through this. Telling your spouse ILY is totally normal, but yet we have to sit back and wonder did we say too much? Did we not say enough? I sent my H a text last night saying thanks for all you do. I added a few extra lines, but nohting too sappy and no ILY for G-Ds sake, but I got nothing. Not even a simple thanks. I know we are supposed to hold back in what we say and do, but it feels like not only do we have to accept not knowing them anymore, but now we have to change who we are. Typically, I am bubbly, up beat and loving naturally and I just have to cut it out when H is around. This is the part when I start wondering is it worth it. H has mentioned for 2 weeks straight that a movie is coming out that he wants to see. I want to see it too. He brought it up again tonight and I would love to ask him to go, but I can't. It is absurd. We both want to go, we know we have a good time when we hang out. there is not the pressure or drama of a date, it is just two friends going out, but I can't ask. Bannanas! I know this is what we have to do, but it just starts to take a toll. If I want to say ILY I should be able to say it without wondering about the aftermath. I know this is our life for the next few months, but man am I tired of it.
My point here BJ is I feel ya. I don't have advice cuz it would be like the blind leading the blind. I just wanted you to know that I am going through the exact same thing on my end. I so feel ya!
