I think you might be right. Though it seems like a stretch, I think that may be how she sees it. Plus, if there is anything not done that I should have done, she thinks I should do that first. So, I will try to reduce this behavior. It gets undesired results!
Just thought I'd look in on you- heard somewhere that you might want to come to London! Hold off for a few days- it's been raining for 48hours straight and everything is damp!
Hope you're having a good day,
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
If you are not already under the ginormous pressure of a ToDo list (in your case I would certainly not say HoneyDo), maybe one would help.
If there is an agreed written list of what is bugging her the most, and you add to that ... how many hours it will take, or when it is on your schedule, she will not need to hammer you with it so much. That is, as long as you stay on schedule.
The smaller tasks that are just hour or so each, you can continue to check as Done right away. She may reserve the right to inspect the work and erase them from the list as complete. Yes, it sounds like you are the subservient house staff. But hey, if that is the way she sees you and this eliminates unwanted negative dialog between you two, who knows?
As for taking her glasses to the sink, helping her across a mud puddle, or offering her CPR when she turns blue ... don't. Don't.
It doesn't matter why they get that way, what they are thinking, or whether it is somehow your fault. Potato! All that matters is they do get that way. Mine did. Even to the point of screaming at me and storming out the door one day cuz I picked up a pencil she dropped. I was already at the floor with my hand out when she yelled "just leave it, I'll get it". I finished picking it up anyway thinking "WTF ... I'm already down here".
Well, apparently there is something WTF with them. So, don't! You are trying to be courteous to someone who resents it, from you. So if she does start to turn blue, hand her the phone and see if she still has the strength to dial 911. Because if she does, she will want to do it herself.
Just thought I'd look in on you- heard somewhere that you might want to come to London! Hold off for a few days- it's been raining for 48hours straight and everything is damp!
I don't know if this will help, and it's probably going to make me sound like a major b*tch, but I'm going to put it out there anyway.
I used to get really annoyed with my h when he jumped in to do something that I was already doing. But I had to ask him repeatedly to do other tasks. I wanted him to just do certain things around the house without me having to ask or remind him. Why didn't he notice that the trash was full and needed to be taken out? The lawn was up to his kneecaps and needed to be cut? There were piles of laundry that needed to be folded and put away? In a house full of kids, with 2 full-time working parents, there is always a ton of stuff to do, why did he need to jump in and do what I was already doing? It annoyed me like crazy. Now, I don't expect him to do anything, so I'm pleasantly surprised when he does the least little thing (and I HEAP on the praise)...
Could it be that your w doesn't want you to do things that she's in the middle of doing herself (maybe she was going to get more water, not just put the glass in the dishwasher)? There are probably regular routine household chores that you could start doing and she will start noticing, especially if she doesn't have to ask you to do them.
I hope this made sense. I'm very tired and I have to do the dishes!
I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. There are other cases, more like what Was2sad described, that are more vivid. But I think the root is the same. She has resentment for what isn't done (some justified, and some not, I'd say), and in her mind it is an either or situation. In other words, if X isn't all done, I don't want you to do Y, where I is anything that I would do FOR her. I think it goes deeper, and you might have insight. It strikes me that she doesn't want me to do ting FOR her, because somehow she would feel that she would owe me something. And she doesn't want to owe me anything. Does that make any sense to you?
I've been reading How to Change Your Man, etc. - Michele would probably point out that going ahead and doing something yourself is apparently a very successful way of getting your H involved in the things you would like done. And then maybe you could enjoy the fact that you're doing something together, too.
I'm not sure how to approach this if you are the person trying to get involved in the activity, because frankly my Hs 'help' has always irritated me in the past. If the opportunity it presents itself, I'll try to respond differently. But what could he do differently from his point of view...
I would like it if he would just hang out and talk to me while I'm doing something, without offering any unsolicited help or advice. A hand if I needed it and asked would be great; without my invitation, it feels like he thinks I'm incompetent.
If I seem busy and he takes up the slack in some way, which he's pretty good at, that's also very much appreciated. For example, I often dump clean laundry on the bed and then get busy doing something else. If my H notices the laundry and folds it, even though he does it all wrong I appreciate the effort. I haven't been acknowledging that stuff enough though, and I'm working on that.
I appreciate the effort. I haven't been acknowledging that stuff enough though, and I'm working on that.