I got laughed off a couple of other MLC forums because H and I are "reconciling while separated". Also I ticked off some of the regulars by supporting some LBS 'inappropriately, giving rise to false hope'. Finally I realize there is a profound philosophical difference between DB techniques and common sense...
So, happy to be here. When I finally got around to reading Michele's book I realize I've been doing DB all along without realizing that's what it was.
We have a reconciliation agreement which specifies sexual faithfulness, 3 scheduled encounters per week, shared vacations and various other clauses, but does not include a committment to M. H is leery of M, seeing himself these days as a natural bachelor. But he still worked hard to come to an agreement which allowed him an ongoing relationship with me.
Brief timeline:
-- H 60, me 63. 2nd marriage for me. M 17 yrs, Together 20 yrs. No children.
-- my first M of 20 yrs. ended in traumatic, messy D. I now recognize, didn't then, that H1 was having MLC. H1 married his affair partner.
-- H2 marriage 5 yrs later, very satisfying M for me, and I thought for him. Unconflicted.
-- about 1 yr. ago I began picking up confusing signals suggesting EMA. I followed these for 3 months, then asked H about his committment to me. I knew enough not to ask about OW/EMA. I had learned from H1/M1 "they always lie".
-- H tells me "I don't like to plan that far ahead" (!) Blows off my questions about problematic intercepted emails. Two or three convos along this line, then I ask H to leave, seeing history repeating itself. H leaves very easily, within the hour, confirming my suspicions of OW.
-- I go NC immediately. I obtain a legal separation agreement with settlement of joint marital assets 5 weeks after Separation Day. Shortly after this, H gives me his 'confession'. He had workplace EMA lasting one year, over for one year by the time I started picking up.
-- At about this time I start picking up on POW/incipient 2nd EMA. I manage to run her off with 2 polite emails. It wasn't that hard. I knew she was LBS, now D, related to EMA.
-- I don't know WTF is going on with H, I start reading and researching like crazy. H himself tips me off that he thinks he's having 'late MLC'.
-- H and I spend about 2 months hammering out the reconciliation agreement. I refuse to meet with him until the agreement is in place. NC during this time except for emails and very occasional phone calls, all related to working on the agreement.
-- late August '07, reconciliation begins according to schedule. One phone call per week is given for EMA diclosure questions, this is done in about 6 weeks, questions about EMA don't come up anymore.
-- by October '07, H has voluntarily increased weekly contact and held to that increase. We take a week's vacation, all goes well. We start a new activity, ballroom dancing, initiated by H.
-- we spend Thanksgiving, X-mas, NY holidays together, steadily becoming more comfortable with one another, getting along well, enjoying each other as we always did. But I'm in no hurry to have him home, and he's in no hurry to be home -- he refers to his comfortable studio garden apartment as 'home' (which used to hurt me and no longer does)
I'm seeing problems in us attempting to live together now, but it is my hope that eventually we will live together again. Also, not to suggest this is not tough emotionally for me. I've had a few melt-downs related to EMA triggers, and quite a bit of roller-coastering. But still, it's so much better than what it was at beginning of Separation! And slow, steady progression in reconciliation.
-- Yesterday and today, the biggie. We agreed to attend a Retrouvaille weekend. I was the one who initiated the process -- very apprehensively! I don't want to scare off this 'natural bachelor', right?! H had some mild initial reservations but then agreed.
Today I spoke with the Retrouvaille co-ordinator. She had the standard questions for me that everyone who applies for the weekend program is asked before registration is confirmed. She had already called H last evening, he emailed me about it this morning early. "Are you interested in working on your marriage?" I gasped. "Did you ask H that?? And what in the world did he say?" "He said, yes" Also, remarkably, "He seemed quite enthusiastic about the program". I told her that I was the one more wanting to preserve the M than H, she didn't bat an eye. It's always that way before they get there, always one who wants to work on M and one who is leery. But the weekend program changes that in 85% of cases. She loves her work, she feel like she's assisting in miracles.
I have to keep reminding myself that there's always that problematic 15%. After all, H1 married his affair partner, only supposed to be a 10% chance of that. But still and all, it's an adventure, and what kinds of adventures can people my age expect -- wish me luck, DBers.
