Sun Facing Reality 5

[Sunflower23]

Thanks Short1,

I know I have to quit being Mommy. I have never wanted that role but realize I was put into in long ago. My H never handled much of the home responsibilities, and as I am the caregiver type, I took on the role blindly.

My H also, I believe, started the "control" complaints after he got involved with the OW. I think a lot of H's negative comments were fueled by conversations he had about me with them. I have often thought that many of the things he said did not sound like him and had been fed to him by OW1 or OW2. They, by the way, were both controlling women from what I gathered in their conversations with me. Both VERY strong with very strong opinions about everything! I told H once that I thought he was looking for a mother figure his whole life because of the lousy R he had with his own mother. He didn't like that one bit, but I to this day believe it's true. 20/20 hindsight, you know.

Thanks for stopping by,
Sun

[snookysmom]

Sun,
I don't post much lately but I always keep up on the ones I have become close to over the years. It sounds like you have gotten back on the rollercoaster with your H, or instead of him.

I know that I couldn't do what you are doing with H living at home like he is. It takes sooooooo much strength to have the fact that they don't care about you anymore pushed in your face nearly every day.

Of course he is looking for a mother figure. My H didn't have a good relationship with his mom, he has always tried to replace that fact with "things". But like Snodderly says, he doesn't want you to be that mother figure. Maybe you were somewhat in the past and that bothers him, I'm not sure.

I myself have come to some conclusions that seem to have moved my life forward and I think I can see where the path is leading me, for now at least. If I ever get time and get brave enough, maybe I will post about it all and see what others think.

Just from meeting you on the bb, I know that you are a loving, kind, caring compassionate woman, who has much to give. Just try to concentrate on you and ignore H and his much younger friends.

I wish I was closer, so I could give you a hug because you really sound like you could use one, and for that matter so could I.

Take care
Sue

[Sunflower23]

Oh Sue,

How I've missed you and wondered how you are! I wish you were close by to. You and AH. We could have such a wonderful friendship, the 3 off us. I just know it.

Hugs,
Sun

[brueniap]

Could you not just tell H the plans in a casual manner and leave it that if he shows up he's certainly welcome to go? Just say we are leaving for the Cheesecake factory at such and such a time for son's birthday. That way he's informed. If he shows up in time to go.......he can go............

if he doesn't........or if he goes out running.........just let it go.........let it go............let it go.

if you're going to live with him it has to be bearable for both of you. I so agree with Snodderly. Just reading your account of the cigarette smoke and the younger kid.........let it go. Practice on yourself to say that every time something comes up that is driving you nuts. let it go............

it's eating you up Sun..........and destroying you. you've got to let it go and live for you and your life and your kids. let it go.......

if you are discouraged with your marriage and standing it is understandable. but I think that many times you make your sitch even more unbearable and it is so hard to live that way. I've told you in the past how much you remind me of me. Your thots are just as consumed by the negatives surrounding you as his are. You are each feeding on each others negativity and then you both go away pissed off over and over and over again.

since you will not move out............and he will not move out...you have to change YOU so that you can tolerate your living situation. It will not change any other way. Only with you.

you are always in my thots and heart and prayers.

brue

[almosthopeful]

Oh Sue,

How I've missed you and wondered how you are! I wish you were close by to. You and AH. We could have such a wonderful friendship, the 3 off us. I just know it.

Hugs,
Sun

Well, I'm not dead yet! Don't be talkin' like all the chances for friendship are over and done, missy!

Seriously, (((Sun))), I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get caught up on your thread. It sounds as if the last 2-3 weeks have been tough going for you, and I'm sorry.

His ridiculous speech about your controlling, living there in deceit, blah, blah, blah, just reminds me of a different version of ILYBINILWY...just plain b.s. And he drank through the holidays, sad but absolutely no surprise. I'm with snodderly's post a ways back--he probably cannot quit on his own now. Also, snodderly's wise comment that he wants to be 27, so of course he hangs with 27 year olds. Frankly, I think it is giving them to much credit to say they are emotionally 27 years old--more like 16 if you ask me.

Okay. So are you north or south of Atlanta. I may have to drag Jeanette along and come visit...she'd keep both of us in stitches.

chin up and take care.

Hugs,
AH

[Sunflower23]

Brue,

Since I work only 2 days a week and go to school, my affording to move out is not an option. I don't desire to be homeless. My mother has made it clear I can't move in there because that would be letting H off the hook (although they have a 3 story house with a finished basement apt. and only she and my dad live there).

Yes, I'm negative. My M is a train wreck. Yep, I'm pissed off too. I don't care if I sounded like his mother about him going out to the nightclub with the kid. He's married. He wants to live like that--leave.

I'm not nearly as negative as I sound on here. This is my place to blast off, so to speak. So, that's what I do.


AH,

I'm south of Atlanta by about 45 minutes. Right off I85 now that I'm in the apt. I would love for us to all get together. Maybe we could persuade Sue down this way. We talked about meeting in Savannah once, and I'd be all for that! I love that city.

Hugs to all,
Sun

[angelica]

WELL if Jeanette's coming then I shall certainly tag along too. My goodness we could sort that freak out. No problem. He'd be begging for mercy in 10 minutes, and agreeing to anything in half an hour, and that is just Jeanette!!

Sun I do agree with Brue's comments. It is eating you up, and I think you have got to that sad point where you can't imagine your life being any other way.

You have to imagine it better first. It can be better. You can have a life of your own. You have a job where you are liked and valued.

You are living with an an immature alcoholic abusive husband, and that is tough, even without MLC behaviour.

Hugs, A

[Sunflower23]

Hi Angelica,

Come on down!!

You know, I can try to imagine a life that is better all day long, but please all of you try to understand that my H lives with me. It is different for you and Brue's H took off too. I can't possibly explain what it is like if you don't get it. I'm at the end of my rope. I've done nice. I've done patient. I've imagined things better and then had a finger pointed in my face and been told I was hated, that I was "too fat to climb up on," that I had never helped out financially, that I was not attractive, not smart enough, didn't get it.

But, you see it was all projecting. I know that. I'm attractive. I get looks from other men. I'm not that big, or that dumb, or deaf.

I've had enough. I've looked on the sunny side. I've spent more time on my knees than any of you will ever know. I'm burnt out. It's hard to forgive when its rubbed in your face daily.

I know I sound bitter. How can I explain what it is like to have your home sold out from under you and move into an apartment complex where the police are frequent visitors all over the place. Where H's car has already been ransacked and robbed multiple times. Where I'm afraid to walk the dog after dark and spend a great deal of time there alone and having to do just that. How can I explain what it's like to not know when I will ever see my things again that have been stored. To not know where I will be living when the lease expires at the end of September because my H can't possibly make a commitment to someone about where we'll live when he doesn't want to be with you or his children. To lie in bed beside someone night after night who won't look you in the eye and thinks everything nice you do has an ulterior motive.

How can I explain what it feels like to have your grown children ask you daily "what did he say when he got home," "did he come home," and on and on. To have your grown daughter break down in the middle of a public place and cry for almost an hour and not be able to comfort her because I can't make him see what he's doing. I can't convince him he's destroying them, because he really believes that because they are grown they will be fine.

To have your son tell you that the last time you were at school at night his dad came home late, drunk, barely acknowledged S and his gf and then went to bed. Got up, walked past S and gf into the kitchen, in his underwear, and peed in the washing machine right there beside the living room where they were watching tv, then just went back to bed. When I told H what he'd done the next morning, he actually got mad at me.

To have your S23 tell you his dad, when drunk Christmas, looked at D18's bf and said "You must be wondering WTF your doing here."

Walk a mile in my shoes and then tell me please how to NOT be negative. How to focus on the positive. If you know how, I'm all ears.

[angelica]

Sun, I didn't mean to upset you, and if you look back over my posts, I have acknowledged repeatedly to you and others, that I COULD NOT do what you are doing. No question. Nor am I criticising you. I am truly sorry if my post came acrosss that way. It wasn't meant to. You have one of the hardest stich's here. What worries all of us [I think - don't imagine we discuss it behind your back] is that it is dragging you down to the extent that you cannot get away from it.

Actually my home was sold out from under me, but that is another story . . . .

But you see the difference is, and this is going to sound hurtful, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't stay around to be abused. You are employable. You and your kids could make a family unit and get away from this. It is hard, but one of the huge problems that abused people face is that abuse becomes 'normal' and they go on tolerating behaviour that NO-ONE should have to tolerate. Again, no criticism is intended here.

Please do not imagine that I have anything other than respect and admiration for you. I just worry that you are stuck in this terrible situation.

Hugs, A

[Sunflower23]

Angelica,

I'm not hurt and you didn't upset me.

As soon as I finish my last course I'm taking now I will be able to get a job that will afford me the ability to support myself. I cannot support myself and continue to help my D18 with her college expenses if I don't stay where I am until then. I have to do it for my kids. He will not give them anything if I leave. I'm sure of that. And he won't give me a dime and I don't make enough right now to even live in a motel room. So, there I am.

I'm not looking for pity. It was my choice to marry before I finished college. It was my choice to stay home for 20 plus years and raise kids and help H in his side jobs rather than getting one for myself. You know what they say about 20/20 hindsight.

So, there it is.

I will stop complaining though. It's pointless. I put myself in this situation and I'll get myself out. I've been in school for 15 months and in another 3 I should be able to stand on my own two feet.

I'm ok. I know I came across as angry. The only one I'm angry with his H. I'm beyond getting angry with anyone else. I don't have the energy and no one can compete with what he's done.

You're very special and I don't want you to think I'm mad. I'm just frustrated.

Hugs,
Sun