You know, I can try to imagine a life that is better all day long, but please all of you try to understand that my H lives with me. It is different for you and Brue's H took off too. I can't possibly explain what it is like if you don't get it. I'm at the end of my rope. I've done nice. I've done patient. I've imagined things better and then had a finger pointed in my face and been told I was hated, that I was "too fat to climb up on," that I had never helped out financially, that I was not attractive, not smart enough, didn't get it.
But, you see it was all projecting. I know that. I'm attractive. I get looks from other men. I'm not that big, or that dumb, or deaf.
I've had enough. I've looked on the sunny side. I've spent more time on my knees than any of you will ever know. I'm burnt out. It's hard to forgive when its rubbed in your face daily.
I know I sound bitter. How can I explain what it is like to have your home sold out from under you and move into an apartment complex where the police are frequent visitors all over the place. Where H's car has already been ransacked and robbed multiple times. Where I'm afraid to walk the dog after dark and spend a great deal of time there alone and having to do just that. How can I explain what it's like to not know when I will ever see my things again that have been stored. To not know where I will be living when the lease expires at the end of September because my H can't possibly make a commitment to someone about where we'll live when he doesn't want to be with you or his children. To lie in bed beside someone night after night who won't look you in the eye and thinks everything nice you do has an ulterior motive.
How can I explain what it feels like to have your grown children ask you daily "what did he say when he got home," "did he come home," and on and on. To have your grown daughter break down in the middle of a public place and cry for almost an hour and not be able to comfort her because I can't make him see what he's doing. I can't convince him he's destroying them, because he really believes that because they are grown they will be fine.
To have your son tell you that the last time you were at school at night his dad came home late, drunk, barely acknowledged S and his gf and then went to bed. Got up, walked past S and gf into the kitchen, in his underwear, and peed in the washing machine right there beside the living room where they were watching tv, then just went back to bed. When I told H what he'd done the next morning, he actually got mad at me.
To have your S23 tell you his dad, when drunk Christmas, looked at D18's bf and said "You must be wondering WTF your doing here."
Walk a mile in my shoes and then tell me please how to NOT be negative. How to focus on the positive. If you know how, I'm all ears.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
