Who will be my Du (dude) enna?

[fearless]

Mojo,

I'm having a hard time reconciling that the same man is responsible for these two posts from you.

FSG was calling me every night and I was cool with that because I enjoyed our conversations and the attention but I was in no way committed to an exclusive relationship with him and I made that pretty clear. The other night he said something to me like "I know you are less optimistic about this relationship than me because you never call me." So to me that seemed like he was feeling insecure and one-down and asking for reassurance.

I was talking to FSG last night and he said something about how it might be difficult to maintain such a long-distance relationship. I thought this was a sensible comment and said so and I mentioned how I thought it would be natural if he wanted to find a bar "where everybody knew his name" and expand his local social circle and perhaps find a more readily at-hand female. He responded by saying "Listen. I don't care if you don't want to claim me because I claim you." He kind of growled when he said it.

So from the first quote do you really think he was feeling insecure and one-down? Because the way you describe him in the following quote it doesn't sound like he is a guy who feels "one-down."

I'm just wondering in the first quote if you were looking for a puppy dog that wasn't really there. I'm not sure that he was really feeling one-down from what he said. He was just pointing out a fact - that you never call, and his explanation for it - that you are less than optimistic. To me, I don't necessarily "hear" insecurity in that statement. And then when you look at what he says in the second quote he certainly comes across as a confident man.

Anyway... It is certainly hard enough to figure people who post directly here on the board much less figuring out those about whom we post:))) My "concern" is probably more about what you are trying to see in the men you date. Whether it's looking for puppy, monkey, St. bernard or wolf!!

[OG_Lou]

RJ COI: "I know you are less optimistic than me because you never call me."

I'd rather hear him say: "I am feeling xyz about the fact that you never call."

It's subtle, but it's an important distinction, IMO

I see the difference RJ. I can say i don't always do it right and admit to doing things similar to your H.

Being a kid in a household that enforced do what your told, your opinion doesn't count, you are valued for what you do in life, be PC so you don't look odd, is a life's works to improve upon.

Thanks RJ

Lou

[MJontheMend]

So if I meet an interesting chyk who's good in bed, willing to be monogamous, and doesn't need an assumed date whenever I don't have the kids or lots of phone calls and general relationship hand holding...there's little to no downside for me.

I guess I'm just wondering what's the upside for her?- lol. So what you are offering is that you will only have sex with her and you are generally sexually available on call but never sexually available on schedule and almost never on the weekend and she's pretty much agreeing to the same? I really can't figure out who would be the woman for whom this would be a good deal for very long. I mean I would only make such a deal with the proviso that I would be non-sexually dating other guys on the weekend and as soon as I found one with more to offer than you I'd be moving on.

[Burgbud]

(Mojo) I really can't figure out who would be the woman for whom this would be a good deal for very long.

Probably a woman in a similar situation to myself. Busy with kids and the rest of her life and doesn't want the expectation that all her free time will go into a relationship.


I mean I would only make such a deal with the proviso that I would be non-sexually dating other guys on the weekend and as soon as I found one with more to offer than you I'd be moving on.

I know you would.

[Lillieperl]

Lou-- (BTW, I'm glad you went back to your original name)

My thought was he was wondering if he was forcing himself on you or overdoing the phone calls.

THEY HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET!!!

It's one thing for RJ's H to fish around in a wimpy way for reassurance, and for her to prefer that he be more direct... but hel-LO: they're married.

Mojo and this guy haven't even met yet and he's acting and feeling insecure. And as corri said, if he's wondering if he's calling too much, he probably is. And if someone isn't calling you back enough to suit you, ask yourself what that's all about INSIDE YOU. It's not appropriate for him to seek reassurance from Mojo at this point. Hell, it may never be appropriate.

[MJontheMend]

I still don’t understand women playing hard-to-get and some of the dating games.

Egads, I'm hardly playing hard-to-get with the guy. I simply don't have the urge to call somebody if they're calling me every day.

Based on a friend’s experiences with internet dating, I am beginning to think there are more games than seriousness going on. The guy I know would make a wonderful H but the women that e-mail him back seem to be more interested in their “Shopping list” than the person’s/friends long term potential R material.

He's probably scaring women off because he's too serious. Most women aren't looking for players but they aren't looking for guys who signal "I never play games" either. Dating should be fun, not a LTR interview process.

[MJontheMend]

Probably a woman in a similar situation to myself. Busy with kids and the rest of her life and doesn't want the expectation that all her free time will go into a relationship.

IMO, that woman is just procrastinating. She needs to go get herself a live-in-man so she has somebody to watch the kids so she can go out and do stuff.

[MJontheMend]

Anyway... It is certainly hard enough to figure people who post directly here on the board much less figuring out those about whom we post:))) My "concern" is probably more about what you are trying to see in the men you date. Whether it's looking for puppy, monkey, St. bernard or wolf!!

Well, I am looking for a man who is strong, integrated and well-balanced across the entire zoo and can fluidly move from one role to another. Of course, I will find him just as soon as I am capable of that myself and not a moment before (sigh).

[Burgbud]

(Mojo) IMO, that woman is just procrastinating. She needs to go get herself a live-in-man so she has somebody to watch the kids so she can go out and do stuff.

Then I've been procrastinating too, I suppose. Time to sign up for the fast seduction workshops...

[fearless]

Well, I am looking for a man who is strong, integrated and well-balanced across the entire zoo and can fluidly move from one role to another. Of course, I will find him just as soon as I am capable of that myself and not a moment before (sigh).

Sooooo??? Do you think FSG was signaling insecurity or was he just stating the fact that you never call?

Without hearing the context and his voice it's hard to know whether he was insecure or not. And using the context of what else he has said to you AND his career, it's hard to believe that he was really signaling insecurity with his statement. I guess I have to say that I think it was something else. Either just a straightforward comment (which is fine) OR some way of testing or manipulating you. Hard to say just yet but hopefully he's just direct.