H never came back from Iraq

[MichelleLT]

I do have a very good group of friends and have made some good friends on here as well. :-) But I struggle with this whole subjective concept of doing well. To a very large extent I am doing what I always do when I am under pressure, I focus on school or work or whatever. I push through things. I never give up since I am stubborn as a mule (and have been called worse lol) and I, being the eternal optomist, assume that somehow everything will work out in the end, whether it's how I planned it or not.

However, I feel like there is a big split here. These are "more of the same" behaviors for me mostly, and they are also things that my H complained about last fall - saying school and everything else is always more important to me, that I never compromise, that I never make time for things and when I do it's for my friends and not him, etc. So, I feel like there is a split between what I'd need to do to work on my marriage and what I need to do to work on myself. Actually, school isn't even about working on myself at this point, I'm more in the hurry up and get it over with mindset since I'm sick of paying somebody instead of getting paid and never having any free time. I keep telling myself that since H isn't willing to R anyways, I should just push through and get it done, but that is the mindset that got me in this position in the first place - never cutting myself a break and not making enough time to spend with H.

I did drop down to part-time this semester and H did know I was considering it (this was before H quit speaking to me entirely) but said it was "too little, too late." I still went through with it (not sure if he even knows that) because the stress has definitely been getting to me and I was worried I might be spending a lot of time in family court in between classes. Anyways, I was just thinking about this stuff because I re-read the section on 180s last night. More objective opinions/observations are always welcome.

On another note, got an e-mail from my MIL yesterday asking if I was available for dinner next week. Sent her my work schedule, so we'll see what happens with that. Haven't seen them since X-mas so that would be fun.