The Long and Winding Road...

[bhopeful]

Thanks SBD...

I haven't really brought up working on the R in the past. I've let her know that I'm open to it and that she still has a place in my heart and my home. She doesn't ever really say much to that though.

I don't see it as a 2x4, just a much needed reminder. I feel like I've been traveling on the road for a long time, but compared to others I'm still a beginner. Patience is very hard for me. I think that I do alright though.

I am working on myself. A lot and it is a HUGE undertaking. I agree with you there. I need to learn to appreciate the positives and just be happy with those instead of wanting more. Easier said than done. At least for me anyways...

[JennyF]

Hey B,
I think this is wonderful news and I'm so happy for you.

It's amazing how much of this journey is our own isn't it?

I'm letting H go so he can figure things out himself (hopefully he can figure out that he needs to come back to his family!).
But I'm really coming to terms with the fact that I need this time to find myself again. I don't think I really realized how lost I was.

Your W is lucky to have you and it sounds to me like she is starting to realize that. Your name could change to bepatient!!
J~

[bhopeful]

Thanks for the encouragement Jenny. And for thinking that she's lucky to have me. I really hope that she's starting to see that.

I've definitely been using this time to figure out what I'm all about. I'd never lived alone before this, so my life was always defined by either my parents or my wife. I can tell you that I didn't really know who I was. I'd never taken the time to really look at myself. Now that I've taken the time, I don't think that I'm that different. I know that I am more self assured and confident, but I didn't come to any earth shattering conclusions. It's been a hard but good journey for me.

I should change my name since patience is what I struggle with most right now. When I first got on here I chose the name bhopeful since my real name starts with a B and hopefulness was something that I didn't have much of. So, my username was more of a reminder to myself to stay positive than anything else.

Peace,
B

[JennyF]

I think bhopeful is great. Better than some of the really sad names we see around here.

I think we could ALL name ourselves many things starting with be...
bpatient
bhappy
bpositive
byourself
....you get the idea!!!

I think you're B'ing incredibly patient and hopeful!
J~

[bhopeful]

Thanks Jenny!

[bhopeful]

Well my PMA is dragging today. It's been four months now. I know that's not real long compared to some of you, but it feels pretty long to me. I should just say I'm "sick" today since I'm not getting much of anything done at work right now. It's hard to do anything to boost your PMA when you're stuck at a desk.

Anyways, if I can find someway to get positive throughout the day, then I'll probably try to call her tonight just to see how she's doing. She's been struggling with a lot of things in life right now and I think that I should call to show her that I care...

[SameButDifferent]

B,

When I'm at work and starting to feel down, I look through the success stories here. That can help.

I also keep a spreadsheet (I know, it's a little geeky) with pages for my goals, the positives I've seen, and other motivational things I've discovered. I'll review that, especially the goals, when I need to work on my PMA.

Taking a walk sometimes helps - either outside if it's nice, or to the desk of someone who's likely to smile.

This last one may or may not help. I didn't have a picture of US at my desk. I added one of our wedding pictures when things started to get troublesome. It has taken some work, but now I look at it as motivation. I don't want to go back there, but I DO want to be that strong, confident, patient, passionate and slender (LOL) again...

[bhopeful]

Thanks for the suggestions. I should read a few of the success stories. It's been a while and they usually give me some hope.

I also need to revisit my goals. I set some a while back, but got discouraged when they didn't materialize. Others I have met but never reset new ones. So thanks for the reminder. I need to get on that.

Taking a walk usually helps me. Unfortunately I work at home so it gets pretty lonely here and severely limits the number of people that I can go talk to. I'll probably take a walk outside at lunch though.

I had to hide all of our wedding pictures. Too painful to look at. I do have a picture of her up in my office, but it's behind me so I only look at it when I want to. Maybe I should move it to my desk. Keep your eyes on the prize type of thing...

[JennyF]

Advice from those in piecing

B...I love this thread! It really helps when I'm down, but mostly reminds me that truly letting go is the only way to potentially get them back.

J~

[bhopeful]

First off, thanks to Jenny. I usually keep an eye on that thread as I find it helpful too.

At lot happened last night, so I have a feeling that this is going to be long. Apologies and thanks in advance to those who read through it.

Last night I broke my normal routine of having dinner with some friends because I had to run some errands. This is important because if I had not been alone I doubt any of this would have happened. The Divine definitely intervened in order to line up the stars last night. So I found myself wandering around Barnes and Noble after I had finished my errands when I got her call. It started out not much of anything. Just a "whatcha up to" kind of call. Then she got really quiet and started telling me how much she missed me, the dogs, the house and everything. She said that she really missed it all a lot. (Side note, I believe that this is the first time that she's said that she actually missed me. It's usually about how she misses the dogs and maybe an inference towards missing me.) I kind of spoke for the dogs and said that we all missed her too. I wasn't really sure what to say as it took me off guard. I told her that the door was open to her whenever she wanted to see us. Then she said that she was scared that we couldn't ever work it out. She thinks that we're too different of people. I tried to validate and said that I could see where she might think that. I also said that I thought that we could but it takes two people to be committed and that I didn't see our differences as something that hurt our relationship. I didn't see them as an obstacle but more as a blessing. (Now I'm just talking out my a$$ here since I don't know what differences she's talking about. I didn't really get a chance to ask either.) This about all the further that we got with this conversation since I was in B&N and she didn't think that I was in an appropriate place for the conversation. I agreed and said that I would try calling her later. She told me that she might be going out for a friends birthday but if she was available that she would talk. This all occurred around 6:30 or so.

So I continued on with my night. Planning on getting some food at the local pub and then coming home to post all of that here and ask for some advice when I tried calling her back later. Actually, I didn't think that I would talk to her later. I figured that she would be out with her friend so I wasn't really too concerned about it all. So I got to the pub and was eating when I got the second call.

The second call was at around 7:50 and started with another "Whatcha doin now?". I told her where I was and she asked if I was with people. I wasn't, so I let her know. Then she asked if she could come spend the night! This caught me completely off guard. "Umm, yeah, sure" was my response. She said good, I'll meet you at the pub. So this really got me thinking again. I started to worry about how messy the house is and about all of the relationship books that I have laying around. I wanted this to be pressure free, but I was stuck where I was until she got there and then we were going to the house together. This left me with no time to take care of anything. So I resigned myself to the fact that I couldn't do anything about it and I waited for her to show up.

She got to the pub around 8:30 and I bought her a beer and some soup. We hung out there for 45 minutes or so. She kept asking if I was ok with her staying. I just assured her every time that I was good with it. Then we were off to the house.

When we got there she stopped to pet the dogs for a few minutes, so I took the opportunity to at least pick up my books and throw them in my office. I apologized for the house being such a mess, but she didn't mind. We then got talking about a record player that she's really been wanting but that she couldn't afford it until next month. I offered to buy it for her and then she could pay me back later. She jumped on the offer and the store was still open, so off we went to get it. She was super stoked about it. When we got it back home, I already had some records, so we put them on and cracked open a bottle of wine. It was a really nice night. I ended up giving her a back rub since I know that she's been so stressed lately. She complemented me on how I am so good at giving rubs. She fell asleep in my arms for a little bit. It was wonderful. Well the record ended and we were both tired, so we decided it was time for some sleep.

She said that she would sleep in the bed with me but that she didn't think that she could handle it. I offered to take the couch, but she wouldn't let me so she ended up on it. So I gave her a little smooch and said goodnight.

This morning went good as well. I got up with her and made her some tea and a bagel for breakfast. We actually sat at the table together to eat which never used to happen. I complemented her a few times on how nice she looked. She thanked me over and over for letting her stay and said a few times that she hoped that I didn't think that it was weird. I assured her that I didn't think that it was in the least. She said that she wished she could call in sick and hang out here all day.

So there's my story. I feel extremely good about it. I think that I made her feel welcome and comfortable. I hope that this is a step towards the next level of this journey, but if not I'm happy for what it was too. I hope that you all have a beautiful day...

Peace,
B