It sounds to me like you still need to vent your feelings of surprise and outrage at your wife's narcissism. This is like a sucker-punch in the gut. The wind's been knocked out of you.
You've heard it about 100X on this post: take care of yourself and don't focus so much on what your wife is doing.
Well, that's easy to say. Very hard to do. People of conscience and character are not machines and do not detach easily from the people they love.
It seems that the "spiritual" self-absorbed, MLC folks with no moral compass are the ones who have no problems detaching.
Unfortunately, you still live with her hot/cold interactions which are heavy-laden with mixed messages. These words and actions of hers still hurt you. Your capacity to absorb the pain is exhausted.
So, if you can manage to detach and live for Frank, then ignore the rest of what I write below
I only got one small perspective in reading your last post. It's a perspective that takes in consideration you can't really stop living with her for now.
For a moment, remember that oft-quoted DB line, "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."
NONE of that they SAY.
HALF of that they DO.
It appears in your situation if you could turn yor wife's wolume button off, things would be much easier. She says she's through, she says she needs to grow, she says wants to be free. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
She said these things before. What did she do then? Nothing.
She says these things now. What is she doing now? Wanting your affection, pulling back a little. Hot and cold behavior. That's it. What can she do? Where can she go? Even if she really intends to leave you, this is going to take 6-9 months, at the very least. In reality, she probably is going to need to wait a long time for her massage business to get underway.
The next round of complaints are going to be about her economic status and how she allowed herself to become financially dependent on you. Whining, complaining, sad about her life, etc, etc.
Amy is right. Paying attention to her craziness is not helpful. It's like listening to a petulant teenager and trying to take their rants seriously.
SMILE and WAVE. Turn the volume button off for while. Take care of you. She's not going anywhere soon.
If you feel like being intimate, do so. If you don't, don't. Stop worrying how your interactions are affecting the relationship. Don't try and save the realationship.
The only thing I can suggest is don't try to convince her to stay in the relationship. That's it. Other than that, do and say what you wish. There's a freedom in that.
