Excellent philosophy. Yes. I do wonder about the regaining of my confidence, and my ability to hold onto it when I'm back in a different fight, actually a much more difficult one.
I doubted everything about myself before I got here, even though I had successfully commanded a battalion, and had been highly regarded at my civilian job! That’s what this type of issue does to your head. You probably know what I’m talking about. It’s like the line in Springsteen’s Born in the USA: “spend your life just coverin’ up like a dog that’s been beat too much”
I do have a great deal of serenity from finally getting off the bench and getting here. It might be tough to understand if you've never been in the military, why "being in Iraq" could give you serenity on any level! When you've been in this profession as long as I have, 26 years, you don't want your brothers and sisters to rotate through 2 and 3 times while you sit back in a Reserve status and collect checks, and don’t shoulder the hardship.
I had a terribly guilty feeling about that, as well as the wondering "Can I do it if I have to?" My confidence in everything was shaken by this. Well, so far, I have MORE than done the job, and I realize again, that THIS is who I am........not what I was painted as by my W. And…in fairness, I have undoubtedly let her down as well, by not being available when she needed me, by not making her the center of the universe, by becoming boring.
