More than 20 months ago, my life changed in a way that I would never have believed. The woman I walked down the aisle with suddenly appeared to me as someone I didn't know. My life fell to pieces and I began to live in a hellish place. Then, the woman I loved, did something I NEVER thought she would ever do...she crossed our marital boundaries...she threw away her vows...she broke her promise to me. I choked Frank. I couldn't breathe. The pain was unbearable.
And that's when you appeared Frank. You rescued me. Two footsteps in the sand. You carried me. If you weren't there Frank, along with Jeff and DonH et all....I would have just disappeared into a world of hurt.
But you kept me going.
You made me believe.
Well, Frank, I'm not going to abandon you now nor am I going to let you make the same mistakes that I made. Sadly, and as per our many talks, I've had to review the last 20 months of my blog here to cull out 30 incidences of cruel and inhuman treatment and ya know what Frank? I was a wussie. On the night that my wife allowed a 30 year old man walk her into the backseat of a car...I saw 'baby steps'...I posted 'what a great 24 hours we had'. Yeah..someone had a great time and it wasn't me. You passed through a similar episode in your sitch Frank. It hurt. It hurt us both. Decisions. They made decisions.
So Frank, it is now time for me to post to you....to finally do what YOU and JEFF did to me. It's time to shake you and throw cold water in your face. Frank....this is not all your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Lift yourself up. Do I have to repeat myself and others:
Your W didn't have the right to stray outside your marriage WHATEVER was happening in it
During your darkest times, your W could have approached you in ways OTHER than infidelity and, now, with departure. She could have taken a 'tough love' approach: "hey Frank...get your ass into XYZ place"....or.."I'm leaving for 30 days and when I get back..you'd better have it together"....etc
Stop the blame game Frank and get back to the book. Get back to work on the man who was the 'internet mogul'...get back to focusing on yourself. You've helped us now and we love you for that Frank. Now 'heal thyself'. It's a lot of hard work. We've been there....we STILL are there. We know the pain. We have it still. But...you can do this Frank.
This DB crap is good in the beginning. It stops the hemorrhage. It helps us to see our bad faults. It gives us the tools to try and save our M's. But, you and I are beyond DB 101 Frank. This is the big time now. Throughout this, you've directed me to Deida, Jeff directed me to D'Angelo...and let's not forget Cunningham Frank. Marriage is about love and support and more importantly respect. You deserve this...I deserve this..WE ALL DESERVE THIS.
When was the last time you came home and heard that your W say that she was glad to hear the car pull up into the driveway and hear the door open, knowing that you were home? When Frank?
When?
When did she sit down and ask you to describe why it was so hard to get through some of this, take your hand and sit back and listen?
When did she say that she was thinking of you during the day and missed you?
When did she simply sit down next to you on the couch, stroke your hair and say 'I love you....even tho' times have been tough?'
What's a marriage Frank? How hard should it be? How much pain should we go through? How long do you try to fix something that, perhaps, shouldn't be fixed or is so rusted and leaky that it really should be replaced?
We all throw the word detachment around Frank but you and I now know that it is much more complicated than simply saying it. In view of your history and what's going on, IMO, it is time to go back to detaching but in the way that Gray describes. You have to let go of YOUR attachment to YOUR W'S LOVE....the feeling that you will not survive without XXX's love...that no one but XXX's LOVE will fulfill you.....that without XXX's love there will be no more for you.
BULLShIl.
It's time to stop Frank, as my DB coach Chuck told me once. It's time to stop focusing on your M. It's time to begin letting of of XXX and REFOCUSING ON YOU. It's time to stop the blame game...time to forgive....and time to move forward..and..if you have anger Frank, it's time to let it out in the most constructive way you can without hitting below the belt. In the most ridiculous DB phraseology, there is no way that your W will come back as this SITCH IS...unless you go back to your detachment phase that you achieved a long time ago. I truly believe now that the hope for reconciliation that is promulgated here is a form of denial...a bandaid of hope that keeps us stuck in, well, what you told me Frank...codependence.
Stop blaming yourself Frank. She is buying hats for other men. She is abandoning you. This is not an M right now. Others in piecing are struggling. This is not all your fault.
Break the cycle.
Release your wife and move forward. Sometimes, when you quit and go on, they come back, but, as Jeff said like in Star Trek, if you believe the bullets are real, they will kill you.
We love your Frank. You've helped so many of us. Go back to you.
Originally Posted By: Jack in The Family Man
I can do this.
Make it so.
Your friend, Frank (eastern)
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
