First step, is to figure out what exactly you do like to do with yourself, irrespective of how others will react to it. For a lot of people, this is the hardest part - they're so used to performing for their audience that they don't really know what they want to do with themselves. This is why getting a life is so important - it forces you to separate from your audience and see what feels good and what doesn't when you're on your own.
Second step is to stop apologizing for whatever it is you discover in step 1 (unless it's actively harmful, in which case you repeat step 1 until you find something that isn't harmful to self or others. There's bound to be something - things that are harmful to yourself only feel good in relation to something you're trying to force out of your mind, and forcing things out of your mind is the wrong goal in any event. And things that are harmful to others are generally pointless to you unless you're trying to get a reaction out of them. Or stealing from them, but hopefully you learned not to do that in kindergarten.)
Once you've got these things down and you're generally happy with yourself, someone will eventually react in ways you like. At which point your job is to stick with it. When you've gotten used to getting affection whenever you do one of your new behaviors, and you're in the mood that you really want affection, don't use your new behavior to get it. I'm not saying don't display your new behavior at that time, but that's not a lever to push to get rewarded... that's the kind of thinking that got you in this jam to begin with. Just let her know, simply and directly (although it doesn't have to be in words) that you want some attention. All that "covert contract" stuff has been a way to avoid letting her know you want something that you picked up the idea that you're not supposed to ask for. Wherever you picked up that idea, get rid of it... you're supposed to ask for what you want from your partner, and not play silly games to "provoke" her into giving it to you. You're supposed to ask, and she's supposed to give it to you of her own free will sometimes. And vice versa.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
