Piecing is hard...should I even do it?

[ntl]

ntl, Creating a fulfilling relationship for the long term is what true intimacy is all about. Yet, so many people are unprepared, unwilling, or simply emotionally unable to do the neceesary work to get there. It sounds to me like your H is stepping up to the plate big time. It's only natural that you feel guarded and want to self-protect, but I'd hate to see you miss out on experiencing this type of growth with him. I am not saying you should take a blind leap of faith, but everything you've posted gives reason for optimism. Good luck to you!

Thank you, RJ. I need to hear things like this. He really has done some hard, hard things lately and I respect him and admire him for putting himself out there to really examine himself (and that can be a scary thing for any of us to do!).

I truly believe he's a good man. Not just because I married him and because I want my marriage to work, but because I have witnessed him do many great things for people...and for me.

He's a nurturer by nature and he wants to protect, protect, protect. Because of that, instead of ever bringing up conflict with me, he would bury it. He would never discuss his feelings, never tell me anything was wrong. All this burying of feelings eventually led to anger building up...on both our sides. I was resentful and angry at the lack of connection. I couldn't give the nurturer in my life the one thing he needed: LOVE.

He was angry and frustrated at not getting love from me and that coupled with his already hidden and secret complusive actions led him to seek "love" or affirmation from the only place he THOUGHT he could: a phone chat line, porn, and then, sadly, affairs.

It's very clear that he has spent his life moving from thing to thing seeking a way to fill this very deep need for love and affirmation...first it was working out, then it was me, then it was an affair (when we were separated for the summer and he was in CA while I was in NJ), then it was work, then it was the porn/chat line, and then the affairs.

He's got a hard, hard job to do, but I can really see him working hard at it. It's only been three months, but he has made great strides in self-reflection and in setting things up for himself so he can identify "triggers" and start opening lines of communication with me. So he can tell me what he's feeling and needing instead of burying everything.

This is a guy who needs LOVE. I am trying to give him that, but, yes, I'm being fairly guarded, too.

Thank you, again, RJ. Really and truly.

Regards,

ntl