H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

Hey ntl,

I have a different take on your situation. I too am the wife of a sex addict. My H went to SAA meetings for 5 years and was able to stay sober and working a recover program that worked for him. He got caught up in the disease this past year and quit his SAA meetings, told his sponsor to take a hike and quit going to his therapist. He was able to white knuckle and stay sober for about 10 months and then he relapsed by looking at porn online. He's been back in SAA meetings for the last month and has recommitted to being sober. So it can be done. It requires work on both parts and time. Lots and lots of time. (Please check out a book, "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. it truly explains what SA is. and also "Don't Call it Love", by Patrick Carnes - they are life saving books)

For us (my H and I), recovery and our respective 12 Step programs were hard as anything we've ever done in the beginning. Because of my own recovery support group, I was able to rationally get through this relapse. And relapses happen. DBing and 12 Steps can work really well together. I've gotten much help and health by following and using the DB techniques that work for me and my situation. The main goal being that you learn what it is about you that you can change to make YOUR life good and healthy. And that should be your H's goal. Then there's time to work on your marriage.

I don't know if I'm allowed to give you the url here of the online support group that I am a member of, but I will gladly give you all the information I know if you email me at [e-mail] . I can also give you the contact information for COSA, which is the support group for Codepedents/co-addicts of Sex Addicts. (Saved my sanity many a time)

You can get through this ntl, if you take the time and slow down. There are many well meaning people that you will meet, but unless they are married/in a relationship with a sex addict, they don't really know what your going through. And many people will tell you that SA doesn't exist, but you already know for your self that it does.

Be gentle with yourself and know that you've got a friend here who knows what you're going through.

Steph

Thank you so, so much for this. This is exactly the kind of hopeful story I need to hear. I will definitely email you. And I had no idea about COSA!

Regards,

ntl