Me: 40 H: 47 M: 11 yrs, 20 yrs together Kids: 6 year old Separated: 4 months
Hi everyone, I just dicovered Michelles books and I hope its not too late. In Aug after 20 years together my husband ended our marriage. Said he does not love me, does not even like me, not attracted to me and he was having an affair with a coworker and wants a divorce immediately. He said the affair is not why he is leaving me - said he has been unhappy for years. I was shocked. I knew the last year of our marriage was stale and we had our issues but after 20 years together I thought it was just a bad stage in our relationship. He was angry at me and had such dislike for me and was really cruel to me with the things he said. He filed for divorce right away and moved out. I fell into a deep depression and lost 45 lbs. Over the next three months I called him several times a day sobbing and begging and pleading. I also called yelling at him and threatening to get him fired since he was involved with a coworker. Things were really nasty between us for months becuase the only time he would respond to my calls was when I threatened his job (which I was never going to do but I knew I would get a response - and at that point even hostile communication was better than no communication - I could not take him not talking to me). Anyway in Oct he surprised me after a visitation with my daughter he said he missed her and realized he still loved me, said he found me attractive again and wanted to repair the marriage for our daughter - said he has not been with the OW for 5 weeks. Well, I was so excited and desperate and angry about the affair I bombarded him with questions about the affair the first time we decided to talk and on 11/1 he left when I called his lover a tramp and asked specific questions. I could'nt help it - I spent 3 months imagining them together and what they were doing.He would not return my calls even though I left numerouse messages telling him I realize it was too soon for me to ask about the affair I should have asked him about our relationship before the affair. He has not responded to any of my voice mails. When he sees my daugher he pulls in the driveway and beeps the horn. We communicate only by email and I have tried to engage him in conversation but he sticks to talk about visitation only. THe other day my daughter came home and told me he was speaking to a girl on the phone and called her "honey". I guess he is back with the OW. I just found Michelles books and realized I did everything wrong. I guess my only option is the LRT and to also only discuss visitation and wait and see what happens. WE go to divorce court this week to decide on the separation agreement and my lawyer tells me we could be divorced in a few months. I feel hopeless.
Remember that this is about changing. You have contact points with him even if you don't have them often. Start by stopping the chase. Don't email. Don't contact. Go a little dark and change the game up a bit on him.
Thankyou - I will try that. I have made so many mistakes with him because I let my emotions make me so angry about the affair. I realize I do need to change because all he sees is someone who is desperate and needy and maybe thinks I will never forgive him about the affair and rub it in the rest of our lives. I have to respond to his emails about visitation to see my daughter but I will change the game and respond in a way that I usually dont by being very brief and to the point of the visits. Other than that I will not email him first or contact. Thanks for the advice. I feel as if only I would have handled the situation better when he said he wanted to repair the marriage - but how do you not talk about the affair right away - its so hard and I am so angry he did this to me after 20 years together - my 6 year old has been through so much - he hardly visited her the first three months. I just think he got swept up in his own needs. But I know I can forgive I just want him to show remorse if he comes back.
Hi everyone - I have been posting under infidelity lately since my husband is involved with OW. Has anyone who has been separated had to deal with allowing visitation of your child with spouse and OW? We are not even legally separated yet - fighting over separation agreement in court - and he has just moved in with his OW but lied and said they are just "roommates" - now he wants over nights in his new apartment with D. My lawyer says unless I can prove it is anything other than "roommates" I have no choice. (Dropped bomb on 8/16 - he filed and moved out 9/07 - lived diff places and only wanted day visits with D - now living with OW and wants over nights) I cant stand the thought of this OW being around my D. It makes my skin crawl - its eating me alive - I though after the D I will have to grin and bear it - but before the D? How do you cope - how do you do it? Its like sending my D a double message that what your father did is ok and his OW is a great person - go ahead and see daddy and his new girlfriend. I dnt know how I will bite my tongue to my D6 and not tell her daddys new girlfriend is a mean lady. Any advice?? Thankyou
have you told your H yourself that you are not confortable with the ow around? for whatever is worth, without insults or bitterness, let him know that you dont' oppose to him having her overnight, but that it is contraproductive for the little girl to be around the ow.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Fish and Cat - thanks for your comments - Fish so sorry to hear your sit. not going well either right now - its amazing when you come here how many people are dealing with their own pain and before I came here you think nobody understands. I will play it cool for the sake of my D. Cat - I did send H brief email asking him very nicely to put Ds interest first and wait until after Div. for her to meet OW.He does not reply because he is denying and lying about the A due to court. Have no idea if I got through. The crazy thing about our Div here in NY is you have to prove grounds and you can only div. for 4 reason - abandonment, abuse, adultery, and everything else falls into "cruel and inhumane treatment". So bec I would not file adultery he is suing me for cruel and inhumane treat. bec that is the only category he can ask for a D in - so he has lied to make up grounds saying I was verbally abusive, denied him sex, would not discuss R which are all lies. Our rel. breakdown was non communication and ended with his A. So he has chosen to lie about affair to make himself look good bec hes afraid I will contest div - which I wont.
Hi everyone - I have been posting on infidelity site but should probably start posting here since I'm probably depressing all the folks over there with my seems like lost situation. To recap - after my H filed for the big D (right away after ending M in August) he came back once for few days in Oct but left again becuase I bombarded him w/ quest about affair and he got mad and left. Since then Nov - present we have no relationship. No contact except email about D6. Seems hopeless. Keep thinking he came back once so maybe he will again but hes living with OW. He agreed through lawyers not to have over night visit with D since living with OW and will not bring her around OW again (found out he snuck her over there twice to meet her!!!) So here we are - have another court date for 2/5 still just to get sep agreement signed and then maybe few months later we will be divorced. Since we have had no contact for months now except email about D6 and I have gone completely dark - we never see each other - he pulls up in driveway to pick up D and I send her out - I was wondering should I find some way to make us have contact? I have gotten a new job after being a SAHM for years, I have lost weight, I am dressed up all the time and really trying to GAL but H does not see the change - he knows I lost weight but is there any chance when you never see each other? I though it may give him time to think but would it not also help if he saw me "getting on with my life"? But I dont see any way to arrange that because if I all of a sudden started to email personal info he would take it as persuing and if I walked my daughter out he would also take it as persuing. I dont know. Does anybody have no contact with their spouse but still have some glimmer of hope or am I still in denial????
