Had a long talk with Blyndfaith about my childhood, and his kids. Their interactions with their mother are very similar to my interactions with my grandmother. They are lucky. They have him.
Anyway, here is my dilemma of today (besides the interactions with W).
I'm tired of this dynamic with her. Yes, I still look at her and feel the love, but I'm tired of knowing that when she is down I need to bring her back up. When I am down, she can't bring me back up, and ultimately if I stay down long enough and it hurts her to be in it with me she will be 'done' and go on her merry way.
Yes, as Dee and others have said, she doesn't have the tools to 'fix me'. I understand that. I also understand that I didn't reach out but as Blyndfaith now understands from our conversation, I have always lived thinking that nobody else will help me, that I have to solve my problems alone. That needs to change.
So, I look back at the timeline of our life the past 7 years or so and I see a cycle where I'm really beat down emotionally, not dealing with it, and she does these things:
First couple years after the crash when I sell my business and watch other people rip it apart and lose my self esteem, she spends all her time with her girlfriend in the nice new house I bought her, and ignores me when I'm coming home all stressed out hurt and anxious and drinking because it hurts. After enough time passes we have a big (verbal) fight one night, she gets scared I might 'do something' (because I stand in front of the door and won't let her leave because she is hysterical and irrational) and goes to her girlfriends, gets a restraining order and has me evicted from my house, files for divorce, etc...
3 months later after I am living away she calls me at night because she is alone in the house and needs someone to talk to because there are scary noises outside. A couple months after that we're back together, getting some counseling, talking about moving because it's clear that my job and the situation there is killing me.
We move, but I'm still suffering from low self esteem and really hurt, drinking, bad off. Her brother who is a real messed up guy comes and lives with us for 9 months, which puts all kinds of stress into the house. Eventually we have to kick him out. Then one of her girlfriends needs a place to live because of a job situation and we entertain her for 4 months till we have to kick her out too. I'm still not 'ok' and it's wearing her down. She gos to Hawaii and meets 'Mr Soulmate' and decides she needs a divorce, and he's her lost love from a previous life.
In reality, he's worse off than she is, an emotional predator but she's so lost in LA LA land she doesn't see it. Our counselor gives me the tools to bring her back from the brink, heal her pain and despair and get us back together so that we can possibly save our marriage. I DB better than anyone and accomplish that goal. Yay. a hero.
But I spent all I had left in me to do that. After about 6 months or so my business(which I neglected) takes a downturn. I'm still insecure about our relationship so I don't want to ask her to help out. I spiral down into despair so about half my day is 'good' and the evenings are 'despair'. She says she's 'learned her lesson' and that she will stand by me while I go through this. I ask her to help me stop these cycles, she tries as best as she can - but it really isn't anything meaningful. She tells me that she won't give up on me.
But then. She says "I'm having a conflict because I made a commitment to you, but I also made a commitment to myself that I would not stop growing."
She goes to another one of these 'retreats' in early december. What a surprise, she meets a nice man who gives her complements. So she buys him a hat and sends it to him for xmas. I find out about this because he sends her a polite 'thank you' card that I happen to see. I ask her about it (nicely) and she tells me that he was nice to her, complemented her abut her hair or other stuff and made her feel like it was 'ok' to accept complements - something she claims she has trouble doing.
ok
Later she comes back to me to tell me 'nothing happened' because she knew I would be worried. I had already checked phone and e-mail records and there was no evidence of her pursuing him. Plus his 'thank you' card was very benign. Like he was surprised she sent him a gift.
She goes away to Italy for a week with D17, has a stressful time there. Comes home, falls apart and needs me to hold her, to support her.
The next day she tells me she "can't do this any more, she is done". But also says our relationship is not over, but she isn't sure what she wants.
Next day, we go to bed and she says she wants to have s-x but it doesn't change where she's at, she just needs it with me. I ask her what she's feeling and she asks me if it's 'wrong' for her to feel like she has made a 'connection' with men she meets at various 'touchy feely' events. She says maybe she was a prostitute in another life, or maybe she should be a Gypsy, not being with anyone in particular but getting to know many people.
I tell her that when she meets men in these settings and feels like they are honest / nice / complementary that she will feel 'flattered' as long as she feels like her relationship at home is stable, and 'attracted to them' if she feels like she isn't getting her needs met. Then we ML and it's very nice, very connecting. But she still seems off.
The next day she reaches out to me a little more. She tells me I need to let her 'take care of me' more because that's how she shows her love.
The rest of the week she stays on again / off again. Occasional hugs, sometimes a kiss.
Sunday, she's angry in the morning after having 'weird dreams' she can't tell me about. Says something sarcastic about 'growth' when I mention the talk at church.
after church, she tells me she hopes I can 'keep the house' so the kids can finish school here since 'one of us' should stay here. Tells me she's 'done'. still loves me but is 'done'. Doesn't want to be a 'wife' any more. Angry, hurt, want's me to 'get it'. We're done.
Has no plan to leave because she has 'nobody, except her connection to God, and no money'. We'll stay together and sleep in the same bed, keep up a positive appearance so the kids can finish the semester before we 'tell them its over'. By summer she will have figured out how she's going to support herself and how she's going to get a divorce.
Of course to be fair, I need to be sure to add that she has been through a lot of anguish and stress with me.
--
So, I keep looking at this and I keep asking myself: Why? Why do I still care. Wouldn't it be a relief to just let her go, lick my wounds and move on? I need to fix myself anyway so why not do that and remove that burden from my back. Carrying myself is hard enough these days - and is something I haven't been doing very well at all. Wouldn't it just be a relief that she is gone? Maybe she's right when she says "we'll never be able to be healthy together". Of course not, because I've been needing to heal, but I keep finding myself forced to heal her over and over again.
The more I think about it, the more I keep seeing how much better it might feel to no longer have to deal with her any more. She's not a healthy life partner at all.
If it wasn't for the feelings of love, and the kids, it would be pretty easy at this point to say "screw this, it isn't worth it".
If I could get her to stop playing the 'Oh are you mad at me' head games I could detach and become indifferent.
I mean, maybe this is actually a blessing in disguise. I've been a mess and she 'keeps' me there because of the dynamic. I'm very confused.
And I really, really do not understand her. I don't know how someone can do what she has done. I know I failed her by failing myself. But 2 years ago she said "I know that running away from my marriage (the affair) was wrong, and I understand what a commitment means."
