Runningoutoftime - thank you for the hug. Sometimes I Really Really need that. I hug my kids, and they hug me back, but no one else. This is sooo hard.
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So, how much do you get to see the children? How often do they stay with you? Do try to get as much custody as you can. Make sure you get to watch them as often as possible. In fact, offer to take them whenever possible. Mention to your W that you realize how hard it is to be a single mom (use empathy and make it sound like you are doing her a favor!), and you'd be happy to take the kids so she can go out and do something special for herself (even if it is with OM. That's okay... hopefully they'll get sick of each other..). This will help you in court. It will show you are a great dad and help insure you get a good amount of custody. Also, make sure you document all this as well.
I see the kids, a couple times a week. I see them for fun-n-games, dinner out, stuff like that. I took my boys skiing on Sunday. it was a blast!
There are a couple problems with the current arrangement. First, it's not enough time together. Second, it's not balanced. All fun and games is fun, but fathers are more than just fun. They are sometimes serious, sometimes spiritual, and sometimes hard workers, sometimes playful. I treasure the time I have with them, but it's just not complete. Third, it's hard to find something for all of them; I need individual time with each of them. Skiing over the weekend is a great example - the girls didn't want to go. Actually they would have gone if I could have given them attention on the slopes, but I cannot split myself. I cannot attend to the boys on the higher mountain and the girls in ski school.
Practically, it's hard for me to fix all those problems. I don't have a place to bring them to, to spend quality quiet time. You know, homework, hanging out, just talking, just being there. I have no home. I live in a room of a friend's house, but this friend has his own family. My kids live in the family home, which I am still paying for, but I am barred from visiting. We have no more income for another house. In fact I am digging into the family savings to pay for the mortgage on the home today. (college? ah, sorry kids, you'll have to cover that yourself!) I don't feel right about adding another home payment onto the stack.
Running, you have some interesting advice. Making it easier for the divorce. "This will all be over in 6 months." Did you find your approach to be helpful? Where are you now?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
This past weekend I wanted to take the boys skiing on Saturday, and then maybe do something with both the girls and boys Sunday. I talked to the boys Thursday, asked them to talk to their mom about it. W initially agreed to the idea, then 24 hrs later, she reneged. Friday night she told me it "wasn't my weekend" and so Saturday skiing was out. Anyway, she said, the kids had plans on Saturday.
When I saw them on Sunday, I asked the boys what they did Saturday. "Nothing."
Why? Why would she do this to us? Why would she stand in the way of me and my boys having fun together?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
When I brought the boys back home after skiing last night, tired and happy, I did not go into the house. last week W said I was stalking her, so going into my house, which I pay for, is off limits, even if invited by my own kids.
I asked the boys to go in and tell their sisters I'd like to see them outside. D6 and D9 came out, all bubbly, big hugs for daddy. I gave them each a sweet thing, and a toy ring. Like costume jewelry. D9 invited me in the house. I had to decline.
S11 came back out, also invited me in the house. I had to decline that one, too. He is always so disappointed.
Ach. What can you do?
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Running, you have some interesting advice. Making it easier for the divorce. "This will all be over in 6 months." Did you find your approach to be helpful? Where are you now?
Well.... I didn't try to make it easier, I basically tried to make it *seem* like I was doing exactly what my husband wanted (i.e. divorce me as quickly as possible), even if I really wasn't. In other words, I said what he wanted to hear (with a sweet smile and the generosity of Mother Thesera). But I completely dragged my heels on the divorce. I filed paperwork as late as possible (too busy doing my nails and going to Starbucks!) and told my lawyer to hold off everything as long as possible. But, I did live in the family home so I was in a different position than you. You have to consider all the pros and cons of your situation. What I did worked for me. My husband couldn't continue to hold onto the anger, blame and hatred he had built up (to help validate the affair and his guilt).
Perhaps you've explained this, but why on earth is she in the home and you aren't? I hope you are severely restricting any money you give her so you can live.
I'm so sorry you don't have a home with the kids. Unfortunately, you can only do the best you can in the situation. Try to be creative and look for ways to have special times with the kids. In spite of the situation, try to make great memories. Unfortunately, your wife will probably use this situation to ensure she gets as much custody as possible (as well as child support).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
last week W said I was stalking her, so going into my house, which I pay for, is off limits, even if invited by my own kids.
Apologize for it seeming like you are stalking and tell her you never intended to do this and would never want her to feel uncomfortable. Ask her how she'd like to deal with the transfer of the kids. Stay away from the home. Avoid her. Just a friendly wave and smile if you see her looking out the window. Keep it non-emotional and business-like. No relationship or negative talk!!!
I think her reason for having the kids stay with her that weekend is she's probably trying to create the custody arrangement she'd like to have for the divorce. She will probably start being stricter about "your time" and "her time." Don't be angry. This is just the reality of divorce. Don't fight her on this, she will only use it as more reason to divorce you. Any fighting or anger will only validate what she's doing and that's the last thing you want to do.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
She wants to do kid transfers off-site. In parking lots. In malls. Though I think this is silly, I haven't fought this or argued. But it really is impractical when going to see a movie, for example, and we haven't decided which movie yet. I can't bring them to "my place" to research it. I can't research it in the car. Sheesh.
Last night is a great example. S11 has wrestling practice. The other 3 kids "tag along" and sit for 1.5 hours, because it is a single-parent home. They are so bored. Last couple weeks, I met the W and kids at practice, took the other 3 out for goofing around, ice cream shop. We just get silly and play and have fun. We run and giggle and tickle and tell jokes.
When we met last night, W wanted to tell me about her day. It had snowed, the roads were icy and the schools were closed in the morning. So they all played in the snow all day. She offered all this. I did not inquire, but I listened. Great for her! Glad she enjoyed the day!
Afterwards, the kids were all sillyhappylaughing. I kissed and hugged them all. D6 was pulling W toward me, telling her to "back up! back up!" She wanted to keep playing together. S11 called "goodbye" to me several times. Since he was at practice I didn't get to spend time with him.
I left directly, but not quickly. No looking back.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
On the custody thing, I have a series of emails asking for more time with the kids, more access, and so on. I sent a letter to her via attorney (Special price this week: only $400 to send a letter!) requesting more, regular time with the kids. No response on that yet. Next week I will file a motion with the court to get more time with them. I hate the way this is going.
Why am I out of the house? She continues to speak to OM. One day in June 2007, she told me she had seen OM for a dinner date, the week prior. I asked her for 3 months, 3 months of no contact. She agreed. at that time I silently promised that this would be the last time. If she broke her promise again, I wouldn't accept that behavior. I know, I know. In retrospect, this was too much pursuit. Too much pressure. I was not strong enough to stand.
Anyway, in late August she commented, without my inquiring, that she still calls him, and that he'll always be her friend. This was an R talk, initiated by me, (I know! I know!), but I did not ask about OM. Actually I believe now, based on ATM records, that she had seen him out of state the day before. I did not know or suspect that, then. I only knew she was ignoring me. The passive aggressive behavior just got to me. Given her admission that she still talked to OM, and it was within my 3 month window, I upheld my promise to myself. The next day I told her that we needed to put the house on the market, and I told her I was leaving.
The day afterwards, she asked me to return to marriage counseling. The counselor refused to see us unless there was ZERO contact with the other man. I am sure this felt like "pressure" again to her. She agreed, but only managed one session. She never stopped communicating with OM. She then filed papers, and she advised me I was not welcome in the house any longer alleging "a history of abuse". Pure fiction. I think all along this time, she was preparing for divorce. the papers I received later showed that she was prepping financial statements at this time, while assuring me she was getting ready for counseling.
That is how I came to be out of my house. In retrospect, I would never have left, had I known then, what I know now. I gave up rights by walking out on her without taking the kids with me. D4mn!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
In your place I would stop focusing on the M and concentrate on strategies for securing a shared custody agreement and fair property settlement.
It looks like your W has been laying the groundwork to get a sole custody arrangement with limited visitation for you--and the corresponding financial settlement (abuse accusation). While I admire your dedication to repairing your marriage, preparing for the worst could save you from even worse heartache--OM raising your kids.
She is playing dirty pool, but divorce is a dirty business.
Unfortunately, Nutfarmer is right. It does sound like she may be planning for sole custody and your situation does make this easier for her to do. You need to talk with your attorney about this. Whatever you do, don't get mad and still be as nice as possible (the less she hates you the better). She will use anything against you and if you react with anger it will just be added to the abuse accusation. In other words, you will only hurt yourself and your position. You need to be really strong, always take the high road and be an example of calm dignity. Any anger, blame, sadness, confrontation, bitterness, etc.. will not change this situation. It's going to be what it is and you have to be the better and stronger person and deal with this as best you can regardless of how it turns out.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
