I have not posted in a long time. I have been lurking, but.....
Interesting developments today. For the first time in a long time.
After working out today, my workout buddy (who has not spoken to my H since this began because she is angry at him) told me that she had a dream last week that she killed him. She said the dream was so real and vivid and disturbed her so much that she called him to make some peace with him. She said that he cried when she called. She also chastised him for what he has done and asked what he does with his time now. He said not much - read, TV and look at the walls in his house. She asked about the OW. He said it ended after Thanksgiving. She didn't ask him for details but called her boyfriend (who is good friends with H) and wanted to know why he didn't tell her. During this call, she asked her boyfriend if H ever told him that he thought about coming home. Her boyfriend said yes. She then asked if H thought that I would take him back and what he would do if I didn't. Her boyfriend said that H thought about that but didn't give any details.
This doesn't mean that I think that H is coming home. In fact - it was mid-December when he sent an email to me asking me where I stood with the settlement proposal. He has given me no signs that he has any interest in talking to me (other than business or kid talk), let alone come home. I still believe that his pride will get in the way of him ever admitting to his mistakes. My friend said that she truly thinks that he needs therapy. Apparently her boyfriend has tried to get him to go. I don't think he will. I asked my friend if she missed my H (they were very good friends) and she said yes. I asked her if she has forgiven him and she said that she is not there yet and is not sure that she will get there in the near future.
I haven't been posting here because I have been really questioning my decision to stand, and since this is a board for standers, wasn't sure that my posting was a good thing.
Even with what was told to me today - I question my decision to stand and wait for my H. I don't think it has to do with anger or forgiveness or whatever. Although I have times of sadness, my life is really good right now. Things are peaceful at home and I am enjoying my life now. I have gotten a life and have a PMA for the most part. I have been approached about a possible full time job, and although I do not prefer to go back to work full time because it will mean big changes for my daughters, I am looking forward to be 100% independent again....I hadn't realized how much I missed that.
A lot of damage has been done. And I don't know if I still love him. As I told my friend today, he really wasn't very nice to me for the last couple of years we were together. He ignored me - when we were with other people and when we were alone. He put himself first in all situations - even those involving his children. What kind of father does that? I don't believe that he is evil, but rather incredibly selfish. And I just want to be with that type of person anymore.... And since this has started he has been emotional with a couple of mutual friends who have told me about it. Yet he is not emotional with me at all. He shows no emotion when he is around me. We just don't have any kind of relationship and haven't for quite some time....
As a side note, I am thinking that my H has cut me off financially. I sent an email asking for some money for the girls and he hasn't responded. It has been a week. So I am dealing with that, but I am not in a panic over it at this point. I am thinking that it is a strategy to get me to sign the settlement proposal. And I am just not going to play that game.....
