My W just came into my office and was telling me that her 2 friends and she were going to have a massage night tomorrow and she was very happy.
As she talked about various things I responded with a smile, and short sentences because I really don't want to talk to her. Then she says to me "Are you all right? you are not saying much and using short, curt responses like you are mad at me".
I said "I'm fine, I don't have much to say given the situation. It's nice that you're doing these things, I just don't have anything to add".
So she in her 'happy' voice "well, ok, I understand!". And left to go to the grocery store.
She is so happy. Happy Happy Happy.
Damn. I was feeling so strong and now I feel the rejection and hurt again. Of course she's going to be 'happy', she's free of the burden of our marriage. Everything is going her way.
I'm still carrying the financial burdens and the emotional hurt. She's happy.
It's amazing how they can shut it all off, like closing a door. I have never been able to do that.
I keep forgetting to live knowing that it's over and she's going to do things that will hurt me if I let them. I'm starting to hate her and I don't want to.
I went through this type of thing...the only thing I can say it take one minute at a time. Minute by minute, hour by hour. Sometimes I wanted to tear my hair out and throw things, but I made a decision to act based on my values (which were to be happy for me, to actualize me, to become the best me I could be) and NOT based on my impulses.
Pretty soon, it got easier. Never EASY, but easier.
I'm pulling for you, brother.
Regards,
ntl
Me: 30 H: 32 Dating 10/96 Married 8/01 H PA's: Summer 97, 12/06, 5/07-10/23/07 My Saga
You know, right now...if your hate protects you, your anger...I'd say let it. Let it help you detach, just keep a muzzle on it.
Yeah, I know the drill. They start out all happy because they have made a decision and it's the 'right' decision. They think we're supposed to be 'happy' for them and stay friends.
If we change and aren't 'fun and happy for them' in every aspect in life then we must be 'depressed', which further validates their choice to leave.
Of course, I'm the one who has to pick up the financial mess and I'm the one who is expected to put a roof over the kids heads. She hasn't thought about who's going to make her car payments though. Or much of anything else.
The hard thing is to detach without getting angry because, let's face it, she may be a good person at heart, but what she is doing is what a loser does.
And yes, it hurts. It's also tough knowing that I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I detach and adopt an aloof attitude she'll read that as 'anger / depression' and validate her choice to leave. If I am nice and pleasant she'll read that as ME validating her choice to leave.
I apologize for asking again, but I didn't see if you said you went to your C or Dr. I know the C is expensive and if that's an issue, maybe your church could recommend a C that could work with you on payment. You sound SO much like my H when he was struggling with anxiety and depression. I "think" I understand what you mean by not understanding why your W didn't save you as you did her. This statement is a big reason I've suggested you seek medical help vs. self help right now. My H felt unable to save himself even though he had people suggesting action that he could take to help hmself. He was mentally unable to follow through and deal with getting better on his own. He was still working and functioning, but unable to see what he needed for himself. Every direction seemed dark and hopeless and he was looking for a shining light to follow... some security, someone to take over and just deal for him so he'd know it was gonna be all right. I had to make the call to the Dr. and drive him there (he agreed he needed to go, but asking for mental health help scared the crap out of him). I had to reassure him during the lag before his meds started easing his anxiety.. I had to call the Dr. when he lost it because the meds weren't helping, and I had to get him to therapy. He needed a caregiver for his medical condition. It wasn't until I realized this was a medical condition that I realized that he needed that kind of help from me. Is this what you're looking for from your W? If so, can you tell her that.. please? I agree that you have to work through your issues and face up to your demons.. change is your own to make. But... if what you need from her is support getting help then explain that to her point blank. I felt really bad when I found out how serious my H's anxiety disorder was at his low point. I'd talked to him, friends had talked to him.. I had asked his parents to help, but nothing we said or suggested was the answer. He was incapable of taking advice and changing anything until his anxiety was under control.
But... if what you need from her is support getting help then explain that to her point blank. I felt really bad when I found out how serious my H's anxiety disorder was at his low point. I'd talked to him, friends had talked to him.. I had asked his parents to help, but nothing we said or suggested was the answer. He was incapable of taking advice and changing anything until his anxiety was under control.
First, my wife never asked anybody for help for me. Well, she called one friend of mine ONCE but that was it.
Second, I no longer have any expectation she can or will be helpful to me. She has been very clear that she is 'gone'. She doesn't want to 'be a wife'. That is her code word for 'I don't want to be responsible for your feelings'.
Changing my diet, not drinking when I'm anxious and taking supplements has had a great affect on my attitude. I have enlisted a lot of men friends to be a support structure and that has been great for me.
I'm going to be all right. I need to let her go and move forward.
Reality is that it's not going to be just up to you to put a roof over the kids heads. Being practical in all things as you're going to have to be, she's going to have to pay you child support.
Tell her to put that in her happy pipe and smoke it.
Unless of course, you're gonna let her skate on that, too.
As you can see, I'm wearing my b*tch hat tonight but when I think of how naive I used to be money-wise and all the crap I have had to endure in order to pull my head out of my ass and grow up, it really pisses me off to see her thinking she's about to walk off with half your assets and leave you alone to support the girls. Sometimes I think she ought to be tossed out on her ass so she can get a big dose of reality. I'm sorry, Frank but what you see as sugar and light, I see as ignorance and selfishness. The plus side of that is that ignorance can be cured. So long as nobody blocks the path to REAL enlightenment...which is sometimes by way of the front door.
Glad you have the support and men friends you need to see you through and your attitude is improving. I see now that I missed you saying that you're detaching and letting your W go. I thought you were still hoping she'd step up and take action to help/save you. My comments were geared toward asking specifically for what you want/need. I'm glad you moved passed waiting on her to take action on your behalf. That's half the battle if you're able to see that you're health needs attention and are taking care of that!
It really pisses me off to see her thinking she's about to walk off with half your assets and leave you alone to support the girls. Sometimes I think she ought to be tossed out on her ass so she can get a big dose of reality. I'm sorry, Frank but what you see as sugar and light, I see as ignorance and selfishness. The plus side of that is that ignorance can be cured. So long as nobody blocks the path to REAL enlightenment...which is sometimes by way of the front door.
Yeah, I understand. I'm getting beat on by my 'men' to stop blaming myself for everything and giving her some responsibility.
That said, it is becoming more and more clear tome that for all my faults and transgressions, for all my blame, she still didn't say anything like 'you have 2 weeks to get yourself out of this or we can't be together' and help out.
Instead, she just waited until she was 'done'. Then decided to flee.
That's just wrong. Regardless of my transgressions, that's not how you treat someone you say you 'love'.
Do you think what I said to her was appropriate when she tried the 'are you mad at me / depressed' B.S?
I said "I'm fine, I don't have much to say given the situation. It's nice that you're doing these things, I just don't have anything to add".
I'd have stopped at "...given the situation" lest you appear to be onboard with her useless & mindless wandering but if your tone wasn't bitter then yes, that was fine. She'd just use bitterness to say you aren't "growing", you know. If I were you, I'd shoot for indifference. And fake it til you make it.
I wonder how privileged your conversation with Dee was???
I wonder how privileged your conversation with Dee was???
Not a problem. Dee is not a 'friend' of W, she is just one of the 'pastors in training'. I know W called her a few times for 'support' in September but I don't think Dee had a clue what was going on till today. The only interaction W ever has with her at the Sunday service is a 'hello' and a hug and she doesn't go out of her way to get it.
I actually knew Dee from about 4 years ago when I took one of their classes. I had no idea she was as together as she came across today.
