Jill - Calm down sweetie. Things will look better tomorrow. Take a deep breath and just let it go. H is not rersponsible for this email. When he comes home, you can tell him calmly that you don't like the idea of lunch with this woman.
I posted these things to tscanlon today on the subject of trust (copies of other posts of mine elsewhere). I think maybe you need to read them too. Don't blow what you have now by holding on to all this anger. (BTW - that whole "O" thing - kind of like biting off your nose to spite your face, isn't it? )
In my opinion, this whole trust thing is overrated. Will you ever trust your wife the way you used to back in the days when you couldn't conceive of her breaking her vows? Of course not! You'd be an idiot. But the reality is, that kind of naive trust is just that - naive. Because in the real world, it seems almost anyone can be susceptible to this kind of mistake.
Maybe we were living in a fantasy world all along, thinking "it could never happen to us". Imagine if you rode a motorcycle without a helmet, thinking "it could never happen to me" and then got in a bad accident? Would you be trying to "trust" your motorcycle again? Or would you get a helmet, improve you driving skills, and make the decision that the joy you get from riding made it worth making yourself vulnerable?
I think, when we talk about "trust", what we really want is to crawl back into our old fantasy world. What we NEED to do is move forward, knowing we are making ourselves vulnerable, willing to take that risk, and understanding that the things we did before to keep us "safe" actually contributed to the near-downfall of our marriage.
"What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs."
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