Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! It sounds like you have been working really hard!
Your post reminds me of something a very wise friend told me right after the bomb dropped. She said: Focus on making yourself the most amazing T you can be! And give him space to figure out what he needs to figure out and become the man you truly believe he is capable of becoming. BUT when he becomes ready, you may be hundreds of miles ahead of him!
Beth, it sounds like you are WAY ahead of your H!
It also sounds a little like Make Up, Don't Break Up-- that frequently the roles shift and the pursuer becomes the distancer. Sounds like you are ready for your H to do the same hard work of self-examination and transformation that YOU have been doing.
It also reminds me of several people on this board who, when they really really rrrrreally let go and actually started dating, that's the 2 x 4 that woke their spouse up. But maybe if you are still feeling so much love for your H, it would not be fair to the other men you would date? Maybe it would be better to focus on going dark and going into your emptiness? It's funny, after all the emptiness you've already been through, to think there might be even MORE layers of emptiness...!! But that means more layers of self-understanding and radical acceptance to come, right?
Either way, I will support you, Beth! Whatever you do! If you decide to walk away from H, or Be There For H. And either way, the extremely hard work you are doing right now is going to prepare you to have a more amazing relationship with your H-- a brand-new marriage beyond your wildest hopes and dreams, OR, an amazing relationship with someone you like even more than your H. Either way, DBing = more love for Beth!
How did you deal with the narcissism & self-loathing during the good times of the marriage? Or did it not flare up so much? It might be interesting to explore why now it seems maybe repugnant, but before not enough of an issue to prevent your deciding to marry your H.
Good luck on your presentation! Beaming you rays of focus and clarity through the computer....
