Sun, It's a beautiful "spring" day here as well. I have tulips and daffodils coming up and the trees are starting to bud out, which is really not proper, but the animals are enjoying the lovely weather just as much as I am. Enjoy those quiet walks with Buffy. They will help you map out how to work things out for yourself.
I think you presented you h w/a reasonable plan on how to deal w/the finances. Yes, he's always thought you controlled the money, but he's going to see that what comes in doesn't always necessarily to go what needs to be paid out. He's always assumed, just like my xh, that we would take care of everything. It's time for him to be enlightened about the expenditures. If you can maintain your cool during those times, I think he may act half way civil.
Enjoy your beauitful weather!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think H is in for a shock when he sees our bills all on a calendar. He has never been able to handle financial things. But, I was reading on Lis's thread about "Letting Go Takes Love" and I see a lot I need to get better at.
I think he has never realized what running a home involves financially. Time to learn.
Cool and sunny here. I'd love to see the tulips and daffodils. They should be coming up here too, but not at the apt. complex. I'm a gardener at heart. I think I'll get window boxes for the balcony!
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, I think it's a good idea to have everything documented and in black and white so that your h can actually see, rather than hear about the bills. Some people just assume that the bills will remain the same as they were years ago. For example, some think that groceries will remain the same and are sticker shocked when you present the receipt to them. Nothing stays the same and that's part of the problem with people in crisis. They assume that everything will remain the same throughout the crisis and it doesn't. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, including us will not remain in a still position.
Sun, when you do sit down and speak w/him, please try to count to 10 before saying anything. The calmer you are, the better. He may choose to bait you, but you can't take it. Just talk in a very nice, calming voice and hopefully he will listen.
I do hope that you can enjoy the day. It's looking very strange here today. The sun pops out but the sky has the look about it that would normally suggest some "snow", but it's too warm.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H got home. I was pleasant. We were here alone for the night. He unpacked his bag quickly (something he used to do when he had to hide his secret phone, so I noticed, but kept preparing dinner) and didn't have much to say.
We ate dinner and then he went to shower. After his shower I asked if he'd come see something. He walked in the kitchen and I showed his two months calendars with everything listed on the due date. He barely glanced at it!!
He doesn't want to know! At least that's the impression I got.
I sorted the laundry and one of his shirts reeked of cigarette smoke. I said "where did you go?" He stared at me a moment and then said "a club."
He had gone to a club Friday night with his 27 year old buddy. Need I remind anyone my H is 46? He said it was a club attached to a bowling alley. I said what did you do? He said stand around. Then "I didn't spend any money!" I was just asking casually as I sorted the laundry and started a load.
I asked what kind of friendship he has with xxx (the 27 year old). He said "I know it just eats you up?!" He said next time I go I will invite S23 "since they are the same age" as you have pointed out. I said it just seems odd for someone your age to go out with a boy his age. Wouldn't you think it odd if S23 hung out with a man your age? You spend more time with this guy than you do S23 and it just seems odd to me.
Well, he's very defensive about this and I know I pushed his buttons by asking, but I don't care. This guy is already divorced at 27 and I just can't figure out the connection. I've wondered if it was something gross to be honest. Usually they go out and drink and eat wings he says, but this time they went to a club.
I'll admit I was royally pissed, but I kept it in. I don't want this life!!!!!!
His DN friend is in his early 30's. What is the deal? H could be 27 yo's father!
I don't like him. That pretty much ended my being friendly and conversing for the evening. I went and put on "Pride and Prejudice" and watched it and H went to bed a bit later.
I'm beginning to hate him.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
H has guard duty this weekend so he'll be gone 3 days. The kids will be gone, so it'll be me, dog and cat. Ah, such is the life of the LBS. . .
Do any of you ever just desperately want romance? Isn't that a stupid thing to be thinking in the middle of all this mess? I want to be wooed (?).
It's a cloudy day here today and work is a bit slow. I'm sort of sleepy. In a weird mood.
I should be glad he'll be gone, and I am glad the alien will be, but I'm lonely for the mate.
Hope the sun is shining where all you are.
Love and Hugs, Sun
To be honest, romance and sex have been the last things on my mind since this mess began.
I have had far too many other things to think about which, I suppose, helps, and quite honestly, I think I am too tired to think about romance.
Now if H were here, of course I would not be nearly as exhausted.
It is almost always sunny where I am, and Snodderly, you mentioned tulips--my favorite flowers. It is too hot to grow them out here so all I get to do is see them in a catalog!!!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
The romance thing was fleeting. I'm over it now and just trying to remember why I wanted to wait this out anymore. I can't ignore what I feel God calling me to, but my heart is not in it today.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, The connection between your h and the 27 yr old is that: 1) the buddy is divorced already; and 2) your h wants to be that age again. He's reliving his youth and yes, most of them will hang out w/much younger guys to feel that youthful feeling again. As for the cig smoke, I suspect it was a bar and he wanted to kick back and relive that time of youth.
BTW, I know you realize that you were pushing his buttons, but go back and re-read your posting. You may have sounded more like his mother than his wife in asking questions. He got defensive just like a teenager would when mom questions them. I know you don't care, but you've got to live in the same space w/this man, so you need to start changing the way you are questioning him. You may want to say "h, did you have a good weekend? I hope you got out and about for some fun", then let it go. He just might open up a bit and tell you what he did. Right now, he's clamming up because he knows you are curious about what he's doing.
Turn the tables, Sun! Time to do some 180s on this guy.
As for the calendars, leave them on the counter so that he can see them when he's good and ready. Trust me, he will venture forth and look at them when he thinks you aren't looking or are around.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I knew I was "mothering" when I was asking, but I was so pissed off at the idea that he was at a club with a 27 year old boy. Ug, it still makes me fume.
I'm a bit worried that I'm losing my stand here. I'm beginning to not see any good to having my marriage restored and just want to be alone.
You know, the other night I was at the store and I got "the look" from a man passing me by. I haven't had that look from my H in so long. I thought to myself "I am not a troll, someone would want me." All the rejection has taken a huge toll on my psyche. I have weight issues. Heck, my whole family does. I know its a big deal to H now. I almost don't want to address it because I want to be loved no matter what. I've got to get myself together, no matter what, I know.
I'm in a bad place. I don't know if H said he wanted to work on things right now if I wouldn't reject him. I was listening to a sermon today and it was saying when you asked for something you had to believe it already had happened. I can't "see" my M restored when I ask. I dont know what it would look like anymore. Ahhh, my head is a hornet's nest right now.
Thanks for the input. I hope you know by now it means so much.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sunflower, know what you mean. I have those days too. Days I really wonder if it is worth it. One thing I will throw in. Seems at lot of us here are in the "parent" role. Something to note is it is impossible to be in the parent role with a person that is an adult. You can only be in a "parent" role with a "child". Someone in a "child" role helps set it up. My H used to accuse me of being mommy (only after OW, BTW). Now he comes over and complains that OW is the child and he is the parent. LOL He doesn't like it, but it has made him see how the child helps create the problem. Taking yourself out of either role is a healthy step.
The other hard part of this is the rejected feelings. Don't go there for you own sake. We are all lovable, worthwhile people. Our Hs don't get to decide that for us. Just because they don't want to be with us does not in any way diminish who we are. Be nice to you right now, you deserve it!!
I'm a gardener at heart. I think I'll get window boxes for the balcony!