Hi everyone. I haven't been posting in a little while. H has been gone for a week, and I've been spending time with the kids, friend across the street, and just thinking. Everything was ok until last night.
I checked our email and there was an email from the roommate of his ex-EA from Cuba. EA OW stayed on base in the apartment with this other woman. This other lady is married with kids and lives on a base near ours in Hawaii (oh joy). Anyway, I know from the email that he hasn't had contact with this person since he left. He had lent her a bag while in Cuba and she wants to return it, along with some pictures she has of H and a guy friend and this woman (Not EA OW) diving, she also wrote "lets do lunch sometime". Ok, I'm not threatened by this woman at all. BUT, I do not want him having lunch with her, or anything else. I can picture him sitting with her and of course the conversation will turn to "hey, have you been in touch with EA OW?". Then, H and her will sit there an talk about all the crap they all did together in cuba.
When H and I got through all of the stuff that happened, we decided (and discussed it again when he asked me to get rid of my guy friend from long ago) that no other women (single) have a place in our marriage as his friend, unless I know her, am friends with her, you know what I mean. I wouldn't care if he was friends with my girlfriend across the street, get it? Anyway... we also decided that (actually, he said this) that he didn't ever want to be reminded of Cuba, what happened with us, etc. He hates that time in our lives, etc. Doesn't want to associate with the people from there (although he tells me he emails back and forth with this other guy from there, no big deal to me).
Now, everytime there is an email here from skank EA OW, or now this other lady, it THROWS EVERYTHING BACK IN MY FACE!
I am not sure now if I want to live like this anymore. He chipped away at my love for him by how horribley he treated me b/4 and after the bomb, and even though he is now the man I fell in love with, and doing everything he can to show me his love, etc, it doesn't change the fact that I'm angry, hurt, tired of living like this, sick of remembering. I don't obsess about OW, or anything like that, but I do think about "how could he have said those things to me, how could he have treated me like that"? etc.
We have had long talks where he appologized, etc, and I WAS so happy with the relationship we have now, it's a great relationship, but now we have no foundation. B/4 the bomb, we had a good foundation (trust, etc.), but our R wasn't the best (obviously since we had problems and the bomb was dropped, etc.), but now, we (I actually) don't have very much trust, so our foundation is very shaky. But, now our relationship is good. UGH!
I trust that he will not cheat on me, I trust that he will not choose an emotional R with another woman over me again, I trust that he loves me, and what we have now, BUT, I HAVE NO TRUST that he won't hurt me again or leave me. I can't see a future with him. I don't know why???? I know we are leaving this base soon, I know we will live together in the states, but I don't see anything else, you know what I mean?
Also, sorry to be so graphic here, but... Sex. We have ALWAYS had great sex. He's the best I've ever been with, I alway had an O, but now, ONLY SINCE THINGS HAVE BEEN GOOD (HOW MESSED UP IS THAT??), I can't O. I fake it. And then I think to myself, "see, you think you're so good at it, but you can even make me O". I haven't told him how I've been feeling, but I think I'm so angry, hurt, etc. I think I should have been angry during the bad period but I wasn't. All I wanted was him, now I've still got him, but all this other stuff. I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. I love making love with him, it's great, he's great, he enjoys it, and he THINKS I enjoy it. I do, but not like I used to.
I don't walk on eggshells, but I'm so scared that if I'm a bitch one day, he'll leave. I had a bad day b/4 he left and I immediately thought "Oh great, now he thinks I'm this bitch again, he's going to leave, or fall out of love again". I'm tired of living that way. He said that I can still be a bitch sometimes, but not like I used to be, so I guess that's good??
He called once from where he is now, I haven't heard from him since Saturday, so without deposits in my love bank from him, I'm falling more and more into this funk. It's giving me more time to think about the crappy stuff, even though I'm thinking about the good stuff too, but the fear of losing him, getting hurt again is there all the time now, it's not there ALL THE TIME while he's here or when he calls (only when there's no contact and words of affirmation - my love language).
I love my H so much, I love our life, our family, etc. I just don't know if I want it anymore. I don't know if I want to live remembering all of the crap he did, and how he treated me, and I CERTAINLY don't want to live with constant reminders from when he was deployed and all the crap happened. Can't these people get a clue? Or take a hint? He hasn't contacted them since SEPTEMBER!! And, now someone has to contact him again? I mean, EA OW tried emailing here, etc. But, that stopped (except for a forwarded general message a little while ago) months ago.
I wish I could forget. I wish I could trust that he won't hurt me again, I wish that I was happy like I was a few weeks ago, I wish I had the faith I used to. I wish I loved him like I used to (with trust, etc.). Now, I'm only "surface happy", deep down, I'm sad.
I understand your funk...but keep in mind...h is busy with military stuff and that is why you haven't heard from him...he'll be back soon and your tank will be on overload...
as far as the e-mail from this ow's roomate...since it was sent to and e-dress that is used by both of you...why don't you simply reply to it...let her know she can send the bag to an office on the base and thank her for returning it. end of story end of contact...I think she'll get the hint and if not then at least take comfort in knowing that h is not contacting them and has appologized.
will the pain go away?? I'd hope so...of course things will be more difficult when h is away or busy...your mind will be free to wander to the bad times...but only if you let it.
I would imagine that over time the trust will come back as well as all the other things you are missing.
LL, Thanks for replying. In my haste to post this, I left out some things.
EA OW had emailed b/4 Xmas asking for address to give to this woman so she could mail the bag. I sent the address, didn't tell her it was me replying (I know, bad Jill), and that was the last personal email received from skank EA OW. So, this other lady obviously never got the email.
I also wrote in the email H's home email address (where this new email came to). We have two home email address. I know I shouldn't have looked at H's, but something just tugged at me to do it. I also wanted to see if he had been able to check my email to him. Anyway, I guess he hadn't had a chance or doesn't have access to email so my email wasnt' checked. I will tell H that I looked at the email, and I will tell him why (that I snooped because a bit of insecurity from the past hit me, and also wanted to see if he read my email). I'm also a bit worried about his safety right now, so if he checked it, then I'd know everything is ok.
Anyway, I really don't want to, and can't email this woman. She wrote the email to my husband. Also, she wrote that she first tried to send it to his office email (not hard to find since she is in the military too), and it got sent back, that is why she sent it to his home email. She had his work email wrong by one letter, I'm not about to correct her because I don't want her emailing him at work.
That also causes me to wonder. H said he didn't give his email at work to skank EA OW, and I believe him. But if it's this easy to find, how do I know that she hasn't been emailing him there? I know, I have to trust that he'd tell me. That's my problem, I don't. Even though he said he'd tell me, I don't believe it. I think he wouldn't tell me because he wouldn't want to have problems in our R again. It just brings everything back again; all the pain, the sadness, the insecurity, etc. Also, it makes me wonder, since woman from b/4 we met (and the woman he was "thinking about" when he dropped the bomb) is also military, how do I know they aren't in contact at his office? He said he was wrong for fantasizing about her, etc. He only made one contact with her when he dropped the bomb, and realized he was wrong, and didn't have feelings for her, whatever.
I wasn't thinking anything much about this for a while, I was happy in our new R, or so I thought. But this email, it just triggered something in me again.
I wasn't thinking anything much about this for a while, I was happy in our new R, or so I thought. But this email, it just triggered something in me again
if h were home and you found this e-mail would you be as effected by it as you are right now??
if h were there "filling your tank" able to call you and spend time with you...reasurring you...would this e-mail bother you as much as it is right now??
tony I was refering to jills love tank of conversation...her h is away on military business and is not able to contact her as often as she'd like nothing to do with the tank your thinking of...and I only put it in quotes because jill herself used the term filling her love bank, tank whatever...you are stalking me now aren't you!
Jill - Calm down sweetie. Things will look better tomorrow. Take a deep breath and just let it go. H is not rersponsible for this email. When he comes home, you can tell him calmly that you don't like the idea of lunch with this woman.
I posted these things to tscanlon today on the subject of trust (copies of other posts of mine elsewhere). I think maybe you need to read them too. Don't blow what you have now by holding on to all this anger. (BTW - that whole "O" thing - kind of like biting off your nose to spite your face, isn't it? )
In my opinion, this whole trust thing is overrated. Will you ever trust your wife the way you used to back in the days when you couldn't conceive of her breaking her vows? Of course not! You'd be an idiot. But the reality is, that kind of naive trust is just that - naive. Because in the real world, it seems almost anyone can be susceptible to this kind of mistake.
Maybe we were living in a fantasy world all along, thinking "it could never happen to us". Imagine if you rode a motorcycle without a helmet, thinking "it could never happen to me" and then got in a bad accident? Would you be trying to "trust" your motorcycle again? Or would you get a helmet, improve you driving skills, and make the decision that the joy you get from riding made it worth making yourself vulnerable?
I think, when we talk about "trust", what we really want is to crawl back into our old fantasy world. What we NEED to do is move forward, knowing we are making ourselves vulnerable, willing to take that risk, and understanding that the things we did before to keep us "safe" actually contributed to the near-downfall of our marriage.
"What I think IS important is being able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the relationship again. To allow yourself to take that risk again, without putting up defenses that get in the way of true intimacy. Without witholding part of yourself from the R. And I guess this is where all the work on ourselves and loving detachment comes in, because the idea of taking that risk is not quite so scary when you are confident of yourself and your ability to have a good life on your own if necessary. When you are able to see that your spouse's choices are not a valid commentary on your own worth. When you no longer need the security blanket of thinking they will provide all of your emotional needs."
Ah, hon, I'm sorry that you are down. Seems to be a bit of an epidemic here on Piecing of late. After reading your thread, then Shiny's then LLs and grappling with my own mental status, I actually started checking out spas on the web! We could all use a break. Maybe I'll find some awesome images of relaxing ocean views and post them for us all.
None of the above is to diminish (or invalidate! ) what you are feeling now. this is hard, hard stuff and we're asked (or we expect ourselves) to do so much of it alone. The things I've heard about your H. of late sound SO positive!!! Really. He sounds as though he is really supportive and committed to you when he is around and able to be. Revel in that, my friend.
As for the fear and sadness, I wish that I could will them away for you and for me and for all of us here but I can't and neither can you. We can't go back to "the way that it used to be" or even to the images that we had of ourselves or our Ses or our M. On good days I can see that that is not only OK but actually good -- on bad ones, well, I feel as broken as you sound like you do.
You have so much on your plate right now -- all of the DB'ing plus the fears plus holding down the fort at home. What if you focus on the here and now -- no regrets of the past, no fears of the future. Just this minute. Do you like what you see? Can you feel safe and grateful and happy in just this moment? You have worked so hard and achieved so much...it's hard to believe that this very minute couldn't give you some solace and comfort.
I know it's hard for you to "take a break" with all of your responsibilities...but try some small things. A bubble bath with a glass of wine; a trashy magazine; a new bottle of awesome nailpolish; what would give the smallest of lifts?
I'm so proud of you and all that you've endured. I empathize with the tiredness that you are feeling right now. Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug and a pat on the back and know that it will pass.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
ny
) what you are feeling now. this is hard, hard stuff and we're asked (or we expect ourselves) to do so much of it alone. The things I've heard about your H. of late sound SO positive!!! Really. He sounds as though he is really supportive and committed to you when he is around and able to be. Revel in that, my friend.