At the encouragement of someone on this BB, I am throwing it out there. I have a hard time admitting this, but here goes:
Not really sure where to start this, but things have taken a dramatic turn. Hopefully, it will be a good turn, but it is a turn nonetheless.
A little bit of a confession since I haven’t told all on this site, and few know who I really am. This has made my efforts horrible slow and nile at best. This is much a confession to myself as it is to others on the BB. I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve been attending AA for a little while. My temp sponsor, a doc, has slowly weened me off the sauce since I was unwilling to do 28 days in an intake facility, and then got me hooked up with a great full time sponsor. He is a great sponsor, 20+ years sober, and carries a big load of sponsees. He is rather strict and I’m only on probation with him until I can show him certain things. I have to go along with what he thinks, or he won’t sponsor me.
So after hearing my story and my alcohol problem, he said first he wants me to call my W, and say what I want and ask for 90 days. He knows everything, and I wanted to fight it, but he said I had to learn to let go of control, and she probably won’t give it any way, but that I needed to let her know I was in AA, since she is a C’er, and see what happens. I think he wanted to see if I was willing to follow instruction, and realized this couldn't hurt things any worse since we were about wrapping this D up.
Call to W was rough. I explained exactly what I was doing, W suspected AA, but wasn’t sure. She vented a lot, A LOT! All I did was validate and didn’t say much for myself in return. She stated that she was going to be honest with me, and hoped that I could forgive her, but it was going to be the truth. I was prepared for the worst and actually got a lot better then what I thought.
W acknowledged the A, stated how horrible it was and what a huge mistake she had made, I actually got a real apology. She said she has been dating, but that nothing serious is going on and at this point I have no business to ask about it, and if she wants to continue this she will. Unfortunately, one of my rules is I have to let go of control and not ask for anything but the 90 day hold off for now. So all I could say in return is that is fine, all I’m asking for is 90 days to hold off on the D proceedings. She said she was fine with that.
She told me that the other day, she had made it sound much worse then it was and there was no sex or anything going on. She was hoping I would push things forward since she said she couldn’t do it. She did say she goes out clubbing with the girls, but doesn’t bring anyone home, and if she wants to go clubbing she can. I said that is fine.
She reassured me that she isn’t going to be doing anything physical with anyone, but she did say if she wants to date she will. However, she did say that she hasn’t been totally comfortable with that, and now with this she isn’t sure how she will feel or even want to. But under my strict orders I couldn’t ask for anything more then the 90 days at this point.
It didn’t hurt to hear her say she was dating and going clubbing with the girls, especially with the reassurances. I’m not really sure how much I can believe, but if she is going to take some faith in me, I’ll take some in her.
My new plan: especially since this was her largest complaint on the phone was that I’m not there, “I seem to just disappear.” She was talking about me going dark. She said it really upset her that when I come by I don’t come in and see her for a bit. Which is weird because I told her unless I’m invited in I didn’t feel comfortable. She said she had nothing to hide, and said she would appreciate it. So a little extra time seems to be one thing she is looking for.
I actually found an old thread on D’ed but not done, that discussed about the situation my W and I were in a few weeks ago. As I read I couldn’t believe how many months passed for this guy why his W was unwilling to move closer. But she was at the house all the time, I guess my few weeks didn’t compare and I need to learn some patience.
But all I did was validate, and kept my mouth shut as instructed. She said she wants to see me around more, and feel like I’m there and helping. So I need to step up to the plate and give this a real try. So Faith without Action is death. On both the drinking and W front.
She seemed excited, said she hasn’t seen me sober even a whole week, so if I can show 90 days she says she wants to see who I am and what we are about. She did specify, with a big wall up, that this doesn’t mean we are going to reconcile nor are reconciling right now, she wants to see what I am about. So it is up to me.
