Hi everyone. I haven't been posting in a little while. H has been gone for a week, and I've been spending time with the kids, friend across the street, and just thinking. Everything was ok until last night.
I checked our email and there was an email from the roommate of his ex-EA from Cuba. EA OW stayed on base in the apartment with this other woman. This other lady is married with kids and lives on a base near ours in Hawaii (oh joy). Anyway, I know from the email that he hasn't had contact with this person since he left. He had lent her a bag while in Cuba and she wants to return it, along with some pictures she has of H and a guy friend and this woman (Not EA OW) diving, she also wrote "lets do lunch sometime". Ok, I'm not threatened by this woman at all. BUT, I do not want him having lunch with her, or anything else. I can picture him sitting with her and of course the conversation will turn to "hey, have you been in touch with EA OW?". Then, H and her will sit there an talk about all the crap they all did together in cuba.
When H and I got through all of the stuff that happened, we decided (and discussed it again when he asked me to get rid of my guy friend from long ago) that no other women (single) have a place in our marriage as his friend, unless I know her, am friends with her, you know what I mean. I wouldn't care if he was friends with my girlfriend across the street, get it? Anyway... we also decided that (actually, he said this) that he didn't ever want to be reminded of Cuba, what happened with us, etc. He hates that time in our lives, etc. Doesn't want to associate with the people from there (although he tells me he emails back and forth with this other guy from there, no big deal to me).
Now, everytime there is an email here from skank EA OW, or now this other lady, it THROWS EVERYTHING BACK IN MY FACE!
I am not sure now if I want to live like this anymore. He chipped away at my love for him by how horribley he treated me b/4 and after the bomb, and even though he is now the man I fell in love with, and doing everything he can to show me his love, etc, it doesn't change the fact that I'm angry, hurt, tired of living like this, sick of remembering. I don't obsess about OW, or anything like that, but I do think about "how could he have said those things to me, how could he have treated me like that"? etc.
We have had long talks where he appologized, etc, and I WAS so happy with the relationship we have now, it's a great relationship, but now we have no foundation. B/4 the bomb, we had a good foundation (trust, etc.), but our R wasn't the best (obviously since we had problems and the bomb was dropped, etc.), but now, we (I actually) don't have very much trust, so our foundation is very shaky. But, now our relationship is good. UGH!
I trust that he will not cheat on me, I trust that he will not choose an emotional R with another woman over me again, I trust that he loves me, and what we have now, BUT, I HAVE NO TRUST that he won't hurt me again or leave me. I can't see a future with him. I don't know why???? I know we are leaving this base soon, I know we will live together in the states, but I don't see anything else, you know what I mean?
Also, sorry to be so graphic here, but... Sex. We have ALWAYS had great sex. He's the best I've ever been with, I alway had an O, but now, ONLY SINCE THINGS HAVE BEEN GOOD (HOW MESSED UP IS THAT??), I can't O. I fake it. And then I think to myself, "see, you think you're so good at it, but you can even make me O". I haven't told him how I've been feeling, but I think I'm so angry, hurt, etc. I think I should have been angry during the bad period but I wasn't. All I wanted was him, now I've still got him, but all this other stuff. I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. I love making love with him, it's great, he's great, he enjoys it, and he THINKS I enjoy it. I do, but not like I used to.
I don't walk on eggshells, but I'm so scared that if I'm a bitch one day, he'll leave. I had a bad day b/4 he left and I immediately thought "Oh great, now he thinks I'm this bitch again, he's going to leave, or fall out of love again". I'm tired of living that way. He said that I can still be a bitch sometimes, but not like I used to be, so I guess that's good??
He called once from where he is now, I haven't heard from him since Saturday, so without deposits in my love bank from him, I'm falling more and more into this funk. It's giving me more time to think about the crappy stuff, even though I'm thinking about the good stuff too, but the fear of losing him, getting hurt again is there all the time now, it's not there ALL THE TIME while he's here or when he calls (only when there's no contact and words of affirmation - my love language).
I love my H so much, I love our life, our family, etc. I just don't know if I want it anymore. I don't know if I want to live remembering all of the crap he did, and how he treated me, and I CERTAINLY don't want to live with constant reminders from when he was deployed and all the crap happened. Can't these people get a clue? Or take a hint? He hasn't contacted them since SEPTEMBER!! And, now someone has to contact him again? I mean, EA OW tried emailing here, etc. But, that stopped (except for a forwarded general message a little while ago) months ago.
I wish I could forget. I wish I could trust that he won't hurt me again, I wish that I was happy like I was a few weeks ago, I wish I had the faith I used to. I wish I loved him like I used to (with trust, etc.). Now, I'm only "surface happy", deep down, I'm sad.
