Real growing and healing

[ntl]

My W just came into my office and was telling me that her 2 friends and she were going to have a massage night tomorrow and she was very happy.

As she talked about various things I responded with a smile, and short sentences because I really don't want to talk to her. Then she says to me "Are you all right? you are not saying much and using short, curt responses like you are mad at me".

I said "I'm fine, I don't have much to say given the situation. It's nice that you're doing these things, I just don't have anything to add".

So she in her 'happy' voice "well, ok, I understand!". And left to go to the grocery store.

She is so happy. Happy Happy Happy.

Damn. I was feeling so strong and now I feel the rejection and hurt again. Of course she's going to be 'happy', she's free of the burden of our marriage. Everything is going her way.

I'm still carrying the financial burdens and the emotional hurt. She's happy.

It's amazing how they can shut it all off, like closing a door. I have never been able to do that.

I keep forgetting to live knowing that it's over and she's going to do things that will hurt me if I let them. I'm starting to hate her and I don't want to.

I went through this type of thing...the only thing I can say it take one minute at a time. Minute by minute, hour by hour. Sometimes I wanted to tear my hair out and throw things, but I made a decision to act based on my values (which were to be happy for me, to actualize me, to become the best me I could be) and NOT based on my impulses.

Pretty soon, it got easier. Never EASY, but easier.

I'm pulling for you, brother.

Regards,

ntl