You are right. My patience right now is at zero. Between carting the kids, school projects...and just the day to day living I am angry that I am doing this alone while H is at his parents house (they are in florida) ....living the bachelor life.
I hope he enjoyed his party today while d12 and I worked on a project. I hoped he enjoyed his day yesterday while I drove d12 1 1/2 hrs to a swim meet.....ok I will stop...but it is so frustrating. I HATE REPLAY!!!
UGH!!! I will refuel at some point, but right now i just feel like if he doesn't start moving......he never will. My H is the type who can never be wrong, and if he were to come home it would be admitting he made a mistake. I just don't see it happening...
My focus is so totally on the kids, but in the back of my mind I wonder about H. I wonder about whether he is working towards healing in counseling or towards justifying his R with MOW. I just don't know. H is a tough nut to crack and the last time he was in counseling (after his first affair) he quit because the C told him that having an affair was wrong...no matter how he tried to justify it.
So, off to read before bed. It is snowing....and so pretty. Going to take my mind off of my crazy H. I am still standing. I am, according to my C, a hopeaholic.....but I also don't like to be played the fool and I fear that is what is happening.
Mopsey, It's quite alright to lose patience every now and then. But, it's now time to pull those boot straps up tight and stand up straight and look ahead to what you need to do to heal from this situation. Your h has his own healing to do in his own time, just as you do.
Please do not ever assume that he's having the time of his life. This guy sounds as miserable as they come. Yes, they can have periods of sanity and the depression veil lifts, but it doesn't stay lifted for very long before they are tossed about again in depression. Stop and think about it, if he's depressed around you and his family, what type of person is he around outsiders? The masks that they put on can't remain that way for very long as it takes an awful lot of energy to appear to others something different than what they really are deep down inside. So, scrub those assumptions way and look to tomorrow as a new day, new adventures and go from there.
Try to find some inner strength to help you through this rough patch.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Got a call from H in the middle of the night last night. He said he got a call from a blocked number and thought it was me. Yeah, right. We talked a bit. Told him I saw someone from our past that we haven't seen in a while because he lied so much to us. I made a joke that he would make my top 5 liars list and H said...well if he makes the list than I must be at the top. I let it go and didn't say a word.
We talked for a bit. Just small talk about the Giants game, I am a huge fan and he said he was thinking about me while he was watching. He made some other comments that led me to think...if you are this unhappy, then why aren't you home. I guess that is the big question for me.....any clues?
So, he was going for blood work today. Said he had it done last week and his sugar was high so he was having it rechecked. Sure glad he still has MY health insurance.
Today I got home and d12 said he was at counseling. He stopped by afterwards until I had to take d12 to softball. It is snowing pretty good now so I called H to see if he would pick her up. He said he would and I really don't feel bad about it because I am constantly carting the kids around.
Anyway, he was somewhat quiet after counseling. Wish I was a fly on the wall in that room.
Snodderly, I guess I always assume he is having a great time with his MOW because if he wasn't why isn't he home with his family. I have such a hard time wrapping my arms around that. He can call me , he can cry, he can be lonely, ....well then why not come home? Is it pride? Is it replay?
Please try to explain this to me because I pride myself on having great intuition and being able to figure things out....and this has me stumped.
Mopsey, This may not make any sense to you, but the reason he's not home is he's afraid to return just yet. He's afraid that things will go back to the way they were before he left. He's afraid that he can't be the man you are expecting him to be and yes, he still feels like he's suffocating when he's there. He's still not ready to come home and it's nothing you can do about it. It's not even about the mow or pride, it's about what he thinks will happen if he does come home. He doesn't want to be a failure any more than he already is in your eyes and the eyes of your children.
Until this man has resolved his issues and can actually live w/himself and look deeply within and accept that he was not at fault for whatever stunted his emotional growth, he will continue to run and search for whatever it is he thinks is out there. Again, it's nothing you've said or did. This is about him.
You've done an excellent job of making your home a safe port in his storm, but he's still in the eye of the storm and until that storm settles down internally, he's going to be confused/lost for a while. Hopefully the therapist can help him find his way. BTW, it sounds like the stress level has made his sugar spike up. All of them end up w/health problems due to stress and trying to burn the candle at both ends like a teenager. Age and health will catch up w/them in time.
Grab a chair, plant yourself in it and sit patiently. He's still got a ways to go. He's not baked yet and your oven is still set at 350. He'll bake up when he's ready and when the man up above nods his agreement.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess I needed to read that. I really am not sure if that is true of my H, but it does make sense.
H did pick d12 up for me last night, which was a huge help. I thanked him when he brought her in...he did not stay because s15 was in the room with me and ....well nothing has changed on that front.
H did call me a little while after he got home to tell me he gave d12 lunch money. He then apologized for not staying but he said he was not comfortable with s15 there and he didn't want s15 to be mad at me for letting h hang out.
I told him he was welcome to stay and that s15 would have to deal with it and then H said that he didn't think it bothered me that they don't speak. That H is dead to s15. I told him that it certainly hurts me to the core that 2 of the people i care for most in this world are not speaking. I ended it with that. Didn't need to get sucked in.
So, my feeling is that part of what is keeping H in this crisis could be the fact that s15 is not speaking to him. That it is his excuse for staying out there and that instead of dealing with it he is using it to fuel his pity party. ...Does this make sense? Could it be part of this?
Anyway, H ended the conversation by saying that he would be home if I needed anything. I fell asleep early and didn't hear from him.
I did send him a quick tm this morning thanking him for picking up d12 last night and I asked him to let me know how his bloodwork turned out. I told him that I was worried about him. I am hoping he finds this sincere.
So that's that. Not sure if the therapist is helping or what. H has been gone for 21 months now and I know the crisis started around the summer of 2004, so.....he must be a slow roaster if he hasn't baked yet.
Mopsey - it is a slow process - my h has beengone more than 27 months now, and hasn't come to the point that your h is at yet!
I think his crisis started in February 2003, so another VERY slow baker! He hasn't started to address his issues. Hmmmm it certainly takes a lot of patience!
Been so busy with work and the kids activities, that I can't believe it is friday. S15 had a swim meet last night and h tm'd me during the day asking that I let him know how s15 did. I followed through...and sent him a tm at work with the results. Just trying to do the little things to keep H in the loop.
Anyway, heard from H either via phone or tm each day this week. The last we spoke by phone was on Wed. and he was very down. He brought d12 to meet me at the eye dr. so I could get her to softball practice on time and he looked exhausted.
Anyway, last night around 1 I got the first of many tm's from H. He started out thanking me for letting him know about s15's meet. I said no problem and that was that. He then kept tm me that "I guess you fell back to sleep. Sweet dreams.". Finally I told him I was up but tired. He said "Guess you don't want to talk to me."
Then it came....he said "its ok. don't blame you." He said that he was no good in my eyes. That he brings me nothing but grief. THat I must dread having to deal with him.
I didn't want to get into it with him but I told him that I never felt this way and that I was there for him if he needed me. That he really knows how I feel about him.
Then he says......Wish I knew how you really felt.
He must have been drinking....I fell back to sleep and woke up and found a tm from him saying "sweet dreams. can't blame you for not wanting to deal with me."
Where do they come up with this. I just had to laugh. Can't even try to analize it....just don't understand.
Busy weekend ahead. Probably will see H for a bit on Saturday and then for d12's swim meet on sunday.
Mopsey, Set some boundaries! You need your rest and if that boy can't sleep, he needs to be speaking to his therapist about it. He needs to understand that you can't operate on just a couple of hours sleep, work a job, run a household and ferry your children around to their various activities. When he calls and you are asleep or he wakes you up, be courteous but cut the conversation short by telling him that you are going to bed. End of discussion.
I think you are going to need to be a bit firmer on those boundaries. This guy is trying everything to make you feel bad about the decisions he has made. Don't go there and it's time he stopped feeling sorry for himself and look in the mirror at what he's done to you and your family. He's drowning in self pity and he should be discussing this w/his therapist instead of trying to make you feel bad. I'm glad you told him how you felt, but you do not need to defend your position all of the time w/him. He knows how you feel. Again, set your boundaries.
I do hope that things improve for you over the weekend. The weekend will fly before you know it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know i have to set some boundaries, but i also know that H tm and calling me means he is not calling MOW. I know...childish isn't it. Part of his old spew was he didn't feel I cared about him. That everyone else came first. Not true, but in his mind it was. When I don't answer him .....i can tell he is thinking that. Distorted but.....Anyway, I will keep it brief, but I don't know if I can ignore it. What do you think?
Got up early today to take s15 to swim. (that was after a 3 am call from a blocked #)I then went to an 8 am appt. at the nicest salon in town to treat myself to a new hairstyle....one I really can't afford, but felt like I needed to do for me. I keep doing for everyone else and now it was my turn....selfish I know but ...
After I took d12 to the eye dr. H called and left a vm for me to let him know when we would be home because he wanted to see d12. I called on our way home and he came by about 1 1/2 hours later. He said he had errands to run. Whatever.
When he stopped by he looked so tired. He complimented my hair. THe first time in probably over 2 years since he said anything about my appearance. He told me that he has a job interview (for a real job) next week. It is for a food service supplier ---I think making calls on businesses. I am not sure.
He didn't seem too excited about it. He said it was hard because he loves this bartending gig he is doing. He wasn't even sure if he would get the job.
So, of course me, who tends to over analize...is thinking either a) he is doing this for MOW because he had told me months ago she hated his job and wanted him to get a new one with benefits (so he can push the D and not need mine...this part is my assumption)
or b) perhaps he is doing this for us. So he has a job his son can respect. I doubt it is b but I will stop trying to figure it out and let God handle it. Perhaps his therapis is helping him sort through this.
H has never had a job that he was happy doing ...except when we had our business which we closed right before the crisis. He loves the bartending thing, but is not making enough money to support himself or us.
I think in order for him to start working on himself...he needs to not feel like a failure. All of his siblings are college educated and have great jobs and so do their spouses. H ...quit college and has bounced around (just like FIL).
Anyway, had to get this out here and out of my head. I just have to pray to God that MOW is not the goal, but I also have to set my expectations at 0.
Anyway, d12 and I just got back from the Mall. Didn't buy anything (need to wait for payday) but holy cow....the sales are great. H called to ask me a ? while we were out and asked where we were...and I told him the truth...Victoria Secret. Gave him something to think about....even if we didn't buy anything.
We then bought fixings for s15's fav dinner ....and cooked it together. Tomorrow d12 has a swim meet....then the Giants game. H has to work so he said he would be by before to see d12. Whatever. We shall see if I hear from him tonight....but I won't hold my breath.
Snodderly, I appreciate your advice and will keep the contact short at night.
