The End or just the Beginning? Part 2

[Atlas]

Sorry, I haven't posted in a bit.

There has been a huge change in our R, not sure what will happen. Not sure what to even think. But basically, I came clean to W about something really bothering me. She then also came clean and said she has been lying to me about what she is doing to make it look worse then it appears so that I would push the D forward. WHAT??!?!?!

She said she is having a hard time forgiving herself for the A, and dealing with her anger of my issues. She got to a place where she just thought I would be better off without her, and that I she doesn't deserve me.

Just a real shock right now, neither of us knows what to do. We decided to wait to decide. I don't even know what to write.

[blindsided1]

Wow, what a weekend you had. All I can say is good luck. I hope it goes however you want it to go. Just be careful. You deserve to be really happy.

[JennyF]

Hope for Couples in Crisis

Blindsided...this is a really good read.
Thought it might help.
I answered your ring question on my thread.
J~

[ann25]

and here i was saying how sure you seemed...

I know that you'll figure it out in time. It's really hard to forgive yourself for that. I know. Someone named a book (i think it was on Heim's thread) about forgiving yourself. I'll try to find the name. Don't know if she'd read it, but just an idea.

seems like your rollercoaster has loops and flips... hang in there.

[bhopeful]

Wow Atlas...

Sometimes things aren't what they seem.

What was your response to her admission? As hard as it is, I hope that you were able to validate her feelings even if you don't understand her actions.

So does "deciding to wait to decide" mean that the D is on hold for the time being? If so, how is this affecting the positive attitude that you were displaying in earlier posts?

Are you willing to work on things if your W decides that she is ready to? If so, then it is more important than ever right now to stay positive and not revert back to your old ways.

Hang in there. I know this is a confusing and emotional time.

Peace,
B

[Heimlich]

I've just been lurking here lately, but, Holy Hell, man. I think a lot of what you wrote about your W holds true still. First question that comes to mind: you sure she's telling you the truth this time? You've been here already?

If so, and I hope so, I think you know what you want: her. If she's serious, she still knows what she needs to do; none of that really changes. Seems like the Retrouvaiilele would be great for you two at the moment.

I have the Five Languages of Apology. Not sure what book of forgiveness you're talking about Ann, but I do think a few were mentioned on my thread a month or so back.

Funny, I was just thinking earlier today that I think you're W would eventually come around to you, Atlas.

Hang in there,

BD

[Atlas]

I guess it is really hard to say, especially since this was over the phone to begin with.

But I'm totally shell shocked, as is W I think. Basically we have just agreed to wait 90 days and see what happens. A lot of boundaries were set, and agreed to by both of us.

Basically it has been over for months, neither of us could agree to work on it, so why set unrealistic expectations. We are giving the 90 days to see if we want to even work on it. Which means, no expecations, no asking about each others outside life, etc...but she was really open as was I. Although I felt, I didn't really have as much to be open about with, but that isn't for me to decide I guess.

I know I'm thankful that it wasn't what it appeared, and I'm thankful for the 90 days. But I'm also really shell shocked right now. Just lost, and confused. Sort of how did we get here and why? Not hurt, upset, happy, sad, just sorta like What? The worst part is, I haven't heard from my W in a long time, I know what she was saying was the truth. It was actually her and not the alien on the other end. Which makes me see that she is there still listening.

[Atlas]

At the encouragement of someone on this BB, I am throwing it out there. I have a hard time admitting this, but here goes:

Not really sure where to start this, but things have taken a dramatic turn. Hopefully, it will be a good turn, but it is a turn nonetheless.

A little bit of a confession since I haven’t told all on this site, and few know who I really am. This has made my efforts horrible slow and nile at best. This is much a confession to myself as it is to others on the BB. I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve been attending AA for a little while. My temp sponsor, a doc, has slowly weened me off the sauce since I was unwilling to do 28 days in an intake facility, and then got me hooked up with a great full time sponsor. He is a great sponsor, 20+ years sober, and carries a big load of sponsees. He is rather strict and I’m only on probation with him until I can show him certain things. I have to go along with what he thinks, or he won’t sponsor me.

So after hearing my story and my alcohol problem, he said first he wants me to call my W, and say what I want and ask for 90 days. He knows everything, and I wanted to fight it, but he said I had to learn to let go of control, and she probably won’t give it any way, but that I needed to let her know I was in AA, since she is a C’er, and see what happens. I think he wanted to see if I was willing to follow instruction, and realized this couldn't hurt things any worse since we were about wrapping this D up.

Call to W was rough. I explained exactly what I was doing, W suspected AA, but wasn’t sure. She vented a lot, A LOT! All I did was validate and didn’t say much for myself in return. She stated that she was going to be honest with me, and hoped that I could forgive her, but it was going to be the truth. I was prepared for the worst and actually got a lot better then what I thought.

W acknowledged the A, stated how horrible it was and what a huge mistake she had made, I actually got a real apology. She said she has been dating, but that nothing serious is going on and at this point I have no business to ask about it, and if she wants to continue this she will. Unfortunately, one of my rules is I have to let go of control and not ask for anything but the 90 day hold off for now. So all I could say in return is that is fine, all I’m asking for is 90 days to hold off on the D proceedings. She said she was fine with that.

She told me that the other day, she had made it sound much worse then it was and there was no sex or anything going on. She was hoping I would push things forward since she said she couldn’t do it. She did say she goes out clubbing with the girls, but doesn’t bring anyone home, and if she wants to go clubbing she can. I said that is fine.

She reassured me that she isn’t going to be doing anything physical with anyone, but she did say if she wants to date she will. However, she did say that she hasn’t been totally comfortable with that, and now with this she isn’t sure how she will feel or even want to. But under my strict orders I couldn’t ask for anything more then the 90 days at this point.

It didn’t hurt to hear her say she was dating and going clubbing with the girls, especially with the reassurances. I’m not really sure how much I can believe, but if she is going to take some faith in me, I’ll take some in her.

My new plan: especially since this was her largest complaint on the phone was that I’m not there, “I seem to just disappear.” She was talking about me going dark. She said it really upset her that when I come by I don’t come in and see her for a bit. Which is weird because I told her unless I’m invited in I didn’t feel comfortable. She said she had nothing to hide, and said she would appreciate it. So a little extra time seems to be one thing she is looking for.

I actually found an old thread on D’ed but not done, that discussed about the situation my W and I were in a few weeks ago. As I read I couldn’t believe how many months passed for this guy why his W was unwilling to move closer. But she was at the house all the time, I guess my few weeks didn’t compare and I need to learn some patience.

But all I did was validate, and kept my mouth shut as instructed. She said she wants to see me around more, and feel like I’m there and helping. So I need to step up to the plate and give this a real try. So Faith without Action is death. On both the drinking and W front.

She seemed excited, said she hasn’t seen me sober even a whole week, so if I can show 90 days she says she wants to see who I am and what we are about. She did specify, with a big wall up, that this doesn’t mean we are going to reconcile nor are reconciling right now, she wants to see what I am about. So it is up to me.

[fb2]

But all I did was validate, and kept my mouth shut as instructed. She said she wants to see me around more, and feel like I’m there and helping. So I need to step up to the plate and give this a real try. So Faith without Action is death. On both the drinking and W front.

Great going Atlas! Hope you conquer both fronts within 90 days!