I need support

[HSSweetheart]

I had no expectations to change anything. But if I broke down I would expect him to help me. And yes I did vocalize the scratch my back. I forget what it was for. Just letting him know that if he treats me like crap he will get the same in return. I see nothing wrong with that personally. I wouldn't help him if he was a jerk to me. He wouldn't deserve my help. I respect those who respect me.

[CMNM]

I guess I do not understand what it is you are looking for. I mean, I thought I did (as in you wanted your marriage), but then I am not sure when you post things like this.
I don't think you see how negatively you come across. My first thought in reading your post was "OUCH!"

My next thought was this:
You post all the time about what a jerk he is to you. Then you go on to say, "I wouldn't help him if he was a jerk to me." SO, which is it? There is no right or wrong answer here, I am just wondering what it is you are looking for. It doesn't seem as if he has done anything lately to "deserve" your help. I am glad you weren't keeping score when he needed you, though. The right thing to do was to help him. (And to not concern yourself with the cost and how he was going to pay it...good job here.)

Again, I do think that it was kind of you to help him out. But, it seems you DID have expectations ("If I broke down I would expect him to help me"). This may happen some day, and he may not come through for you. This is why you need to work towards being as self sufficient as possible and to find other means of support in situations such as those, just in case.

I am not trying to get on you here, but really....do you seriously see nothing wrong with saying that if he treats you like crap he will get the same in return? How does that help anything? Why not be the bigger person here? I am not saying to just roll over and take bad treatment, but there is no reason to do the same in return. Just ignore it and get on with your own life and the things you enjoy.

HSS, I don't want you to feel as if I post to you to attack you. I am just trying to point out to you what your posts sound like. They sound so negative and sometimes just hateful. I know that you are hurting, but you need to get to a more positive place in your life. I say this not as a criticism, but instead as some well meaning advice.

[cat03]

do you seriously see nothing wrong with saying that if he treats you like crap he will get the same in return? How does that help anything

I have to agree with this. Hon, by saying this you are tying your moods to how you H acts, you are depending on his behaviors. If I were to treat my H the crappy way he's behaved I'd be one bitter person.
Helping without expectations will save you disappointments in the future, give without giving in, give because it feels right, it's be nice if he did correspond (help you when you'd needed it) but if it doesnt happen it shouldnt' matter.

[HSSweetheart]

Well at least you give an opinion and not the royal word. Perhaps I stated that all wrong. I'm sure I would have helped him no matter what. But everyone tells me "screw him" he left, his problem. How does that not influence a person? I was thinking how wrong that is in general. If I was a jerk how would he ever respect me? My problem is I am seen as a doormat that I kiss his butt no matter what he does. And sometimes I think HE doesn't respect that. And I am told I need boundaries by my group as he comes and goes in the house as his own. I see no issues with that but others do. I don't mind getting OPINIONS from others, in fact I relish it. What I do NOT like is being told what to do and that things I do are wrong. Every situation and every person is different. What may not work for one may work for another. OPINION is the key here, and some people think what they say goes which is very upsetting.

I am working on GAL and being more positive and I have made great strides. Getting negative feedback makes me fall back into old routines. I am not going to listen to it anymore I have decided. Removing the negatives wherever possible. Thanks Cat, as always!

[HSSweetheart]

P.S. I was right - he used every red cent he had on fixing his car. (told me he couldn't get S11 underwear he needed) Surprisingly he didn't ask me for any money. So there is no way anything is going forward anytime soon as divorce costs $. So I know that for some time at least I will remain in limbo.

[cat03]

But everyone tells me
===============
I'm sure I'd get that too if "everyone" in my circle knew my sitch, the real deal, but they don't so they butt out. So, be careful who you talk to and whom do you tell H's latest shenanigans. Whenever my H has needed help I've been there (while S), never saw myself as a doormat, I didn't help him at my expense, I did what I could, which was mostly moral support at the time.
So, yes, be selective on the opinions you listen to.

[Meredith]

Hi HSS,

It has been awhile since I was last on the site, so I’m catching up a little here.

I want to commend you for you helping your H when he needed help. It is a good person who goes out of their way for another, regardless of the relationship or past with that person. It’s a great example to set for your children and a great stride in working toward a friendship with your H.

It is often very difficult to balance the advice we receive. In “real life” you are faced with exasperated people throwing their hands up in the air thinking you’ve gone batty when you say that you want to work on the marriage with a man who would leave you. Then on this site you’re presented with the opposite side of the coin and everyone is very optimistic and fighting to save the marriages that the real life people scoff at.

So, what do you do? The number one thing to remember is that at the end of each and every day it’s you that has to live your life. You have to live with your own boundaries, you have to answer to your children in 10 years when they want to know what happened during this time in their lives, you have to reap the consequences of your own choices. The people in your life that see you everyday want you to be happy and care deeply about you, but they also aren’t walking very far in your shoes. Cat said it best when she said she had to keep the details to herself much of the time.

That said, I do not understand where you are seeing “negative” feedback from anyone here. I can tell you hands down that I learned more from this website than I have from any college, any job, any marriage counselor, etc. The reason I learned so much was that it all had to come from within me. I could read a thousand books (oh, and I did) and I could beg a thousand people for their advice. But, as I told you, at the end of the day it was just me and me. You have to know what you want, be able to take a little guidance and really consider everyone’s point of view before dismissing it. This is the single most important time in your life – transforming yourself! You don’t want to miss any detail along the way.

Someone (Cat maybe?) mentioned that a WAS was so impressed by the LBS’s new self that they begged to come home. I can tell you that’s how my story ended! Not in a neat and tidy two-week time frame, mind you. It took years for us. Yet, here we are. I’m a better person and he’s able to grow with me now instead of under my direction and on my time frame. It works. I don’t know what is right or wrong, but it works.

So, I’ll ask you. What do YOU want for YOU? What are your goals? What are you hoping for?

-Meredith

PS: Sometimes when we’re going through this process we tend to have our back up on the defensive. I’d just like to mention that I re-read CNMN’s posts and I honestly didn’t see anything negative about them. As with all of us, sometimes the really hard to read stuff is some of the most important in the end. Just my two cents!