She sounds like she uses all this spiritual stuff as an excuse to move on and doesn't say what it's really about, like you aren't supporting the family in a financially secure way etc.
Yeah, I can see that. Being 'direct' has never been a strong trait of her personality.
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Open your eyes, you have so much going for you. Stop reacting to your W's every nuance and little comment - it's driving you down and stopping your progress. Also, stop dwelling on the past. You have realised your mistakes; now learn and move on. Stop harping on about what has been and look to the future.
That's my number one priority - get back in gear and heal completely, not just 'fix' things.
Originally Posted By: Amyc
So help me. I know I can help ANYONE else but I'm stuck right now helping myself. That is arrogance talking. You can't help anyone when you are a wreck yourself.
Today, that is true. I've been a 'wreck' on and off for the past 6 months or so and I've helped a lot of people. I've even helped you. But I have not been able to help myself break the anxiety / depression / fear cycle. That's my point. Did anyone have any idea how much I was hurting inside? No because I didn't share that and my natural tendency to help others pulls me out of it for a while.
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I'm already having a hard time being weak when I know a lot of people have relied on me being strong for them. I don't ask for help much in my life. I think it's that you don't take help when it is offered because it interferes with your belief that you are the smartest person you know.
Well I'll help you with that one. When I was a kid living with my Grandmother who was a crippled angry old lady, she was abusive to me. MY Uncles / Dad / Grandfather would not say anything to her about her anger or her general mean spiritedness towards me because THEY WERE AFRAID SHE WOULD DIE. Sometimes they would tell ME that I needed to 'not make her angry' because she might die and it would be my fault. How did I make her angry? By not reading her mind all the time. By not jumping when she said jump. By being a scared quiet kid. As my counselors have said in the past: "You couldn't follow the 'rules' because the rules CHANGED every day". Nobody ever stuck up for me so I have come to expect that to be 'normal'.
Anyway, I understand where everyone is coming from. After listening to various people I've called and all the posts I think I 'get it' that my wife has been emotionally immature for a long time. I mistakenly thought she was 'healed' after the last thing, when she had the 'breakthrough' in counseling that she was unable to tell men what she needed during to the sexual abuse as a child.
I thought I could rely on her but she went back to her old fears and inability to deal with the tough situations, instead 'waiting' for me to 'get through my stuff, my MLC' and when I didn't or when it got hard she 'was done, had enough, didn't want to be a a wife any more'. Left me hanging, again.
Sara is right. I didn't want to face it I guess but I DO deserve a wife like Sara, like Amy, like Saffie, like Spitfire or all the others who would NOT Have let me stay where I was or when it became 'too hard', decided it was time to 'move on' so they could make their own life happy.
So, I'm detaching. I just don't want her the way she is, because it keeps me the way I am. I don't like being the way I am, my life has been a lot better in the past. Like FaithIsBelieving says "you have to let the marriage die, mourn it's death, and build a life for yourself. Only then can a new one be created, but on new terms. Healthy terms."
And if not, well then I will eventually find someone who is already healthy and who I won't have the fear of them leaving me if I have a 'bad time' hit me.
So yeah, I'm letting her go.
Oddly, this morning I didn't feel like getting up early like I have been and being 'present' while she gets the kids going to school, and other stuff. We would talk and of course I was putting my 'positive self' forward. I stayed in bed and wondered if she would come and 'wake me up' like she usually did to get me going, start my day.
She came into the room a few times, to get dressed or other things and didn't approach me. Then she comes in after she has gone and taken D12 to school and shakes me and says 'Hey'. So I turn over and look at her and say 'what?'. She tells me that she's going for a walk and wanted me to know where she'll be. Then asks if I can pick up D12 from school because she can't due to having a massage scheduled then. I just look at her and say 'sure, I don't have any meetings then so I'm good'.
She says 'ok, well I'm going for a walk now and leaves'.
I think, 'what is that all about, she could have told me this after her walk because I would have been up by then anyway.'
Anyway, she's back now and hasn't come into my office to say anything and I'm just not feeling like talking to her anyway. I really just want my life to be mine, not a 'reaction' to hers.
