Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Ann, Try something different and solution oriented and see what happens:
(1) Try the exercise on the marriage builders website for domestic chores; what have you got to loose?
(2) Do not ever criticize or nag him; instead truly appreciate every little thing he does that pleases you (just for 1 day to start with; it won't kill you)
(3) Ask for what you want with "I-messages" not "You-messages" and see if this makes a difference; try it just for 1 day and choose a good time to ask. ("I prefer ...", "I feel hurt when ...", etc. instead of "You should ...", "You are critical ...")

1) i brought that up the same night.... didn't go well. He doesn't actually want to do anything. He didn't want to do it, seemed like a waste of time, he wasn't feeling well... lots of excuses. Honestly, i don't think he wanted to look at it and see that i do everything on the list and he doesn't.
2)It may sound like it here, but I don't nag or criticize him. If anything i should ask more of him. When i ask him for something, i try to make it simple and clear. I don't harp on things. If it doesn't get done, i just do it. it's not worth the battle. I thank him for even the silliest things. I work my butt off and don't even hear thank you, but he takes out the trash and I'm praising him. It seems over the top in comparison, but i do it cause i know he needs to hear it. I practically threw a party the night i came home and the house had been all picked up. I think he gets into a mindset that he did it once, now he doesn't have to for a while. Like it will hold me over.
3)I'll try to pay more attention to this. I know i'm pretty good about it when i go into a conversation, but when he comes at me out of the blue, i struggle sometimes. Thanks.

[ann25]

Hi Atlas,

Funny about the tire analogy. I got to learn how to fix a flat by myself, in the dark, in the snow when i was 16. That was fun. hehe.

Anyways.. i appreciate what you are saying. I've been trying to be more clear with him. I don't even touch the stuff about him working on him anymore because that just comes back to he wouldn't be so insecure/angry/stressed if it hadn't been for OM. I think he needs more time before he'll get past it enough to look at himself.

Before all the D talk and EA, i used to tell him that it hurt me when he was mean or wasn't nice. I'm sure he did the same thing, like WTH? I was just really hurting and normally saying more than that would bring me to tears and then he'd ask me why i was being such a baby, so i didn't ever know what else to say. Now i'm trying to be more direct with him. I really struggle with his issues with OM cause i don't know how to battle that when he brings it up in response to my telling him i need him to be nicer (in various ways). I think Dom's suggestion will really help with that.

I'm thinking that he really really needs some IC. He's up one moment and down the next. There are times i think he's really depressed and then all of the sudden he has a good day and I am totally at a loss.

I'm glad you are still around. I appreciate your advice. I'm trying to be clearer with what i want. Now i just have to talk to him about his OM refrences and I'll feel alot better.

[ann25]

Hi Blindsided.

Thanks for that. I really appreciate your POV in this cause you know how it feels. I think saying it's not productive at this point is a much gentler way of saying it. The last thing i want to do it come right out and say... you are wrong. I'll let you know how it goes.

[ann25]

Ok - so last night was a strange night... this is long....

1) H has money issues. He seems to think if we don't have enough to do whatever it may be that he wants, then we are broke. No, that's not the case, but there are times when we have extra bills come up that we need to be aware of what we are spending. If there's an emergency, we have savings, but otherwise, sometimes we just need to be careful. He freaked out last night and got all angry and said he was stressed out about money after I told him what he had. It's not a big deal, really.

2)Then H (for whatever reason and I don't care what it was) helped Ds clean up their room and helped me fold laundry. He left this morning for his trip and started acting a little funny towards the end of the night, but over all it was ok.

*** this next bit probably deserves a 2x4, but i was not comfortable and i was tired and i don't think i was really even completely awake, that's my story and i'm sticking to it...and i think it ended up much more productive***
3) He wanted to download music to his psp for the trip, so he did that and i slept on the couch waiting for him (went to bed about 3 am) In bed, i knew he'd want to have sex before he left, so i started with him. Everything was fine until he started to try for oral. k - here's the thing. He never does this. It's 3am and I'm exhausted. To me, that's more intimate (probably since he never does it) than intercourse, honestly, i'm not ready for that right now. AND, it shocked the hell out of me. So, i ended up stopping him. I know that this was probably the wrong decision, but i wouldn't have enjoyed it and he would have ended up getting upset (i know from past experience) and i honestly didn't have the energy to handle that.

So, he rolled over, away from me and was pouting (understandibly so) and I asked him what was on his mind. He shared with me some fears he had about leaving overnight. How he didn't want to even go, but he really felt like he needed to be there to get his head back on straight spiritually. (this is a church event for men) I validated everyone of those feelings and concerns and thanked him for being honest with me. I read something on another thread (thanks DomR) about the five languages of apology. I know that i've apologized lots of times, but i haven't asked him in a while what i can DO to show him i'm sorry and prove to him that it won't happen again. So i did. I'm kinda a computer geek and I haven't gotten online or played on my laptop since sept. I postponed my online school, so he wouldn't have to wonder what i was up to. He didn't really have an answer as to what else i could do. He acknowleged that he knows I've been trying to show him, but it's hard for him and it will take time for him to forgive me. I told him that i know it will and I don't want him to tell me he does until he's really 100% sure he does. He agreed.

He asked me if all the stuff he's been doing has helped me to start falling back in love with him. *he just implied that he's been making an big effort, so that changed how i would have responded to him* I told him that i really appreciate how he had helped me more sometimes and had been spending a little more quality time with the girls. I told him that those things were really important. I told him that there is not a specific measure, but that i do feel closer to him than i have in a long time. H tells me he's worried I won't fall in love with him. I told him he needed to have a little faith. That i didn't fall in love with him the first time overnight and that was with no hurt and pain in between us. That it would just take time. That i pray about it and that God has a plan for us. That he wouldn't have given us a great R and 2 babies with another on the way if he didn't have great plans for our life together.

he said that he is worried because the last time i had been acting like evrything was ok, i was talking with OM and he said that i've been more and more happy the last few days and he thought something was going on. I validated his feelings and then asked him what he meant like everything was ok. He said that i was happy again and that i was talking to him like a friend again and that i was just happier. I remembered when he was talking about. I think that i had gotten to that point of detaching that a lot of people here get to. I was done waiting and hoping that he would change or take back his D request. I was done feeling like I needed to avoid him because i would beg him to rethink (i did that quite a few times) and I was ready for the D. I started thinking of him more as a friend for my Ds sake than his and now i wonder if that's why he decided he didn't want the D. Anyways. I told him that then, i wasn't happy, i was acting that way for the girls, but i had finally accepted that it was over at that point. That now, when he sees me as being happy, i'm not faking it, i'm just choosing to look at the positive things ni my life rather than the negative. he seemed ok with that.

I was crying. He said, oh geez... what now. i didn't get upset (normally this gets to me, dammit i'm allowed to cry sometimes). I just told him it's hard for me knowing that i've caused him so much pain. That it was never the intention. That it's hard for me knowing he doesn't trust me and that there is nothing i can really do about it. That it hurts me to see him hurting.

he just said... oh.

that was the end of conversation. we ended up having sex and going to sleep. woke up 2 hours later, he left at 7am. he didn't seem worried or nervous, but just happy. I don't think i've seen him that at peace in a long time. I was really nice. Don't know if it will last or how his trip will effect him, but i do know that it's the first real conversation about all this that we've had. No blame, no guilt, just a real conversation. It was a nice change.

[ann25]

one thing i could really use help in addressing is my Hs attempts at being sexually playful with me. before, his squeezing and groping and rubbing up against me when i was doing somthing totally non-sexual was cute and turned me on, now, it drives me crazy. It is annoying and frustrating and uncomfortable. I back away or move or something and he gets upset. I try to be playful about it, but sometimes it's just to much. He always says, whatever then, you used to like that...

What is a very nice way of saying "when you do that i feel really uncomfortable now because my desire for you is gone"

i don't want to hurt a fragile ego, but it's really driving me crazy!

[Dom R]

that was the end of conversation. we ended up having sex and going to sleep. woke up 2 hours later, he left at 7am. he didn't seem worried or nervous, but just happy. I don't think i've seen him that at peace in a long time. I was really nice. Don't know if it will last or how his trip will effect him, but i do know that it's the first real conversation about all this that we've had. No blame, no guilt, just a real conversation. It was a nice change.

Wow... way to go, Ann! good, honest talk.. and you'll note that your husband was happier that you didnt just try to sugar-coat everything
Hopefully, this is a good motivation for you to keep doing more of the same when it comes up.

So.. then, with your other problem...

It sounds like like you've flipped into "LD mode", for whatever reason. And you have no idea how to handle this, because for as long as you can think of, you've been waaay HD.

You might wanna start reading a book or two that is oriented for LD women, to see if it gives you any inspiration.

You also might wanna start some self-examination on exactly WHY you are LD now.

[blindsided1]

Ann, I use to have the same issues with my H. He would grope me and be a little too should I say "porn like" at least that is how It felt to me. Some times I would feel like I was just a piece of meat. Now, I'm not saying that there weren't times that I didn't like it, there were. But, there should be a balance. I needed him to be kind and gentle, too. I don't know how you would go about it without bruising his ego except to maybe just say "honey, I love the attention you show me, but sometimes I need to feel your tenderness, too." I don't know, you know your H the best. Good luck. How was your weekend?

[ann25]

Thanks Dom. I agree. I didn't sugar coat it and it was a hard talk, but it was soooo worth it.

I actually had a girlfriend spend the night on friday when H was out of town and she recommended the same thing. I guess i just never thought of it because i've never been that way. Thanks.

[ann25]

Hi blindsided. Right now, i feel more like - geez... don't touch me. can't you just leave me alone for a minute?

I think it's really hard for both of us cause it feels like the rolls flipped.

[blindsided1]

You'll figure it out. Interesting how things can flip like that. I'd like our sitch to flip. Actually, I'd like our sitch to be balanced. If you get a chance today, go check out my thread. I have some questions on there I need advice on. Hope your weekend was good.