Alternate reality??

[WAS32]

My H never calls to talk to our kids. I think that it helps them stay seperated. If they had to talk to the kids everyday they might have to take a look at what they are doing. That would be to much guilt for them. As for asking for money, that should not be an issue. If you were still living together he would have to help with her needs. My h hasn't given me money for our 2 kids in over 2 months. Whenever I ask he is always broke. Of course not to broke to go out drinking or to a concert. But he'll pay in the end. We as mom's get to continue our daily relationship with our kids and they gotta work hard at keeping their's. We get the better end of the deal when it comes to the kids.

Keep smiling. And no I wouldn't tell him you have the D papers. Just do what you have to and wait until he gets served.

[koshka]

Casey,

Yeah...I'm wondering if I'm sooo close to filling out those forms because I desparately want some control. Or, is it because I really do want a divorce.

There aren't many who really do want a divorce. Even people in truly abusive relationships might prefer that the abuse end without ending the marriage.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that kind of control, though. If your spouse is unfaithful and persists in infidelity, you may need to take control of your life in your own hands again to protect your finances and your sanity. In a healthy marriage, each spouse cedes some "control" of his/her own life to the marriage. When the marriage is not allowed to survive due to infidelity, that "control" should revert back to you. The "living in limbo" feeling is the result of being the only partner still ceding "control" to the marriage.

H: Why?
M: Because she's your daughter and well, I...pause
H: and what?
M: [pause] Well...I could do with the money.
H: Well why don't you say that instead of pulling the guilt trip

What guilt trip? He turned the tables neatly there, didn't he?

Would it be bad form to tell him that I've downloaded the forms or should I just file and let him find out when he gets served that I am serious?

If you want to tell him when you file, you could probably do that. Do you imagine that if you convince him that you're serious, he'd take action to hold your marriage and your family together?

I've asked her a couple of times over the last three days if she wants to call him and she always says no. She doesn't seem bothered by him not calling.

Believe her. Make sure she knows that you will help her get in contact with him when it's important (and that doesn't mean to cry to him because you want her to finish her dinner or go to bed at a decent hour!).

You can't force her to have something to say to him. You can't control the relationship that they will have. All you can do is support their attempts to stay in touch with one another.

Happy Sunday!

Joe

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

H: Well why don't you say that instead of pulling the guilt trip

He is the daddy. Take care of the kids.

[LooseThread]

Guys and Gals

I think I need to contact him about d6. Am I just wanting the contact or do I really need to contact him.

How should I contact him. By phone, email, text? Try and find him in person?

Consider that I told him last weekend (not the one just gone, the w/e before this one) that I wanted a divorce and he's only contacted me once (and been really sh!tty because I had gotten mixed up about a day that he ordinarily sees d6 but instead was working).

Things I think I need to tell/ask him...

I have a late water polo game on Wed and I think it will be too late a night to take d6 with me. I'm torn between seeing if h wants to spend time with d6 and give him first 'dibs' on looking after her before I book a babysitter.

I have annual leave from Wednesday this week through to the following Friday. this will not affect him except for next Tues and Thurs when he picks her up.

Weekend of 26th/27th Jan is a long weekend (Australia Day) and he has d6 that weekend. I want to know if he will be having her on the Sunday night as well as Sat night.

I want to ask him to go to mediation again to at least work out a parenting plan but preferably start some communication about property settlement.

I want to ask him to paying half of d6's child care fees going forward.

hmm....I'm sure there's more but that's the most important things I can think of.

How should I approach these topics? Altogether?

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

How should I approach these topics? Altogether?

Yes. Write them out. Go over with a wise someone who has been down this road before

My guess is if you hit him up with each issue seperately he will get frustrated and start fighting.

[LooseThread]

Well I tried ringing a few times and ended up leaving a message asking him to call me (trying to sound reasonably upbeat).

He called me back about fifteen minutes ago.

Was very short...'what do you want' type responses

I told him about the water polo game. He seemed p1ssed that 'I am using him for a babysitter and not inviting him to watch me play'. I responded by saying that I just thought I should offer him the time with d6 before I called a babysitter. He sounded sh1tty and said he didn't know what he had on because he didn't have his diary on him. Typical. Never knows what he is doing more than 24 hours in advance or, is just being difficult and refusing to give a straight answer.

then I told him that I had annual leave. He seemed poopy about that. Not sure why. He said 'So?'. I responded by saying that it wouldn't affect his time with d6 other than to let him know that I can drop her off to him or whatever he would like to happen on the Tue and Thurs afternoons that he is supposed to spend time with her. this is me trying to be more flexible.

He wanted to get off the phone and said 'Is that all?"

I nearly said yes but then remembered about the long w/e and I asked if he was working on the Monday. He said yes. I said that I was wondering because if he wasn't working did he want to have d6 for an extra night (sunday night). He responded by saying "oh, that'd be right, you've obviously got plans and you're wanting to fob her off onto me". I responded "no, I don't have any plans, I just thought you might like the extra time with her."

Phone call then ended pretty abruptly.


Reflecting...

It sounds very much like he feels he is the LBS and is waiting for me to extend the olive branch. Offers by me to him to spend extra time with d6 are rebuffed because he is apparently seeing them as me trying to fob d6 off onto him. I don't know if I should persist in explaining myself about this. I don't think it will do any good - it hasn't so far!

He feels rejected and is trying to fix his hurts with another woman. So sorry that I am not running after him yet again. Time to let him go.

If he wants to fix things with us, the olive branch has to come from him with words and actions and over a period of time to show that he can be trustworthy. I don't trust him as far as I can spit him at the moment. Every painful memory that pops into my head these days has a double meaning now that I have more knowledge of what was going on last year. I will not be made a fool of again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, (thrice or four times), shame on me. I have been dumb dumb dumb and blind faith has not served me well.

It would seem that he can't bear to be alone and in the face of rejection from his wife, he can't sit with the guilty feelings and must distract himself with someone else.

Problem is, unless he shows himself to be strong enough to try and deal with those feelings by:

-ridding himself of the other woman adn being faithful to wedding vows until we are divorced,
-being a good dad and spending time and communicating with d,
-not lying,
-not being angry,
-getting into some serious therapy,
-do mediation to set things up with d6,
-not expecting me to chase him around, and
-showing that he is sorry and will change by actions, not just words. he is the one who has broken marriage vows...not me.

....then I don't want to have a lot to do with him other than the bare necessities. This will take a lot of energy because he will be angry with me for a long time and I will have to shield myself from that anger and bitterness adn try not to let it rub off onto me.

If he does those things above without me having to spell them all out for him, I will have a lot more respect for him. I don't think that I would ever take him back, but at least we could have a mature co-parenting relationship once he shows that his priorities lie with d6 and his own recovery, and not his own broken-ness. At the moment - I am in despair for any sort of relationship with him, which sucks because he has been such a large part of my life. However, bottom line is, this is unhealthy energy that I cannot continue to play with. I've been burnt too much. Scars won't heal over.

[SallyM]

cmc, sorry things are so rough right now.

if he checks his e-mail regularly, I would probably take your relationship to that if possible. it will help him process whatever it is you are requesting, and you a chance to process his responses without being on the phone with him live. and for your sake, it helps to leave a paper trail.

[LooseThread]

Thanks M.

Unfortunately, he claims to not check his email very often.

I could always text him and ask him to check his email when I do send him one.

In the past when he has responded to emails (if at all) it has always been one sentence. Very short. Doesn't always answer the question. Therefore, it's just as frustrating as talking to him, just minus the emotional reaction (as you pointed out).

I miss him. But the pain of being without him is better than a lifetime of anxiety and pain with him.

[LooseThread]

Now he's again saying he wants to be with me and wants to come home.

I can't take this flip flopping. I am too suspicious - too much water under the bridge. I can't imagine the hoops he would need to jump through for me to feel comfortable with him again. I don't _want_ divorce, but I don't want to retrun to the pain again either. I just can't see myself being more than casual friends with him. I'm hugely attracted to him physically, but we just don't seem to have a lot in common otherwise. I'm silly, he's overly controlled, I'm forgetful, he's superlong memory man, He's a quick study in most things, it takes me ages to pick up a new skill, I'm pretty messy, he's anally neat, he's very polite, I'm very irreverant, he always looks good, I don't always look good.

[Dom R]

I read recently, that sometimes, being able to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse, can be just as important, if not even more important, than recognizing the similarities.
It gave examples to reframe viewpoints, with things like:

"he's so anal" == "he can organize things really well"

"he never forgets ANYTHING" ... "he never forgets important things to me like our aniversary, or appointments that i/we need to go to, that I would miss otherwise..."

well... the book had better examples just trying to give you an idea.

I can't imagine the hoops he would need to jump through for me to feel comfortable with him again.

SO... dont "imagine"... just ask him. then decide whether what he asks, is something you are ok with. rather than decide that you dont want to do something that he isnt even asking you for.