Well I tried ringing a few times and ended up leaving a message asking him to call me (trying to sound reasonably upbeat).
He called me back about fifteen minutes ago.
Was very short...'what do you want' type responses
I told him about the water polo game. He seemed p1ssed that 'I am using him for a babysitter and not inviting him to watch me play'. I responded by saying that I just thought I should offer him the time with d6 before I called a babysitter. He sounded sh1tty and said he didn't know what he had on because he didn't have his diary on him. Typical. Never knows what he is doing more than 24 hours in advance or, is just being difficult and refusing to give a straight answer.
then I told him that I had annual leave. He seemed poopy about that. Not sure why. He said 'So?'. I responded by saying that it wouldn't affect his time with d6 other than to let him know that I can drop her off to him or whatever he would like to happen on the Tue and Thurs afternoons that he is supposed to spend time with her. this is me trying to be more flexible.
He wanted to get off the phone and said 'Is that all?"
I nearly said yes but then remembered about the long w/e and I asked if he was working on the Monday. He said yes. I said that I was wondering because if he wasn't working did he want to have d6 for an extra night (sunday night). He responded by saying "oh, that'd be right, you've obviously got plans and you're wanting to fob her off onto me". I responded "no, I don't have any plans, I just thought you might like the extra time with her."
Phone call then ended pretty abruptly.
Reflecting...
It sounds very much like he feels he is the LBS and is waiting for me to extend the olive branch. Offers by me to him to spend extra time with d6 are rebuffed because he is apparently seeing them as me trying to fob d6 off onto him. I don't know if I should persist in explaining myself about this. I don't think it will do any good - it hasn't so far!
He feels rejected and is trying to fix his hurts with another woman. So sorry that I am not running after him yet again. Time to let him go.
If he wants to fix things with us, the olive branch has to come from him with words and actions and over a period of time to show that he can be trustworthy. I don't trust him as far as I can spit him at the moment. Every painful memory that pops into my head these days has a double meaning now that I have more knowledge of what was going on last year. I will not be made a fool of again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, (thrice or four times), shame on me. I have been dumb dumb dumb and blind faith has not served me well.
It would seem that he can't bear to be alone and in the face of rejection from his wife, he can't sit with the guilty feelings and must distract himself with someone else.
Problem is, unless he shows himself to be strong enough to try and deal with those feelings by:
-ridding himself of the other woman adn being faithful to wedding vows until we are divorced, -being a good dad and spending time and communicating with d, -not lying, -not being angry, -getting into some serious therapy, -do mediation to set things up with d6, -not expecting me to chase him around, and -showing that he is sorry and will change by actions, not just words. he is the one who has broken marriage vows...not me.
....then I don't want to have a lot to do with him other than the bare necessities. This will take a lot of energy because he will be angry with me for a long time and I will have to shield myself from that anger and bitterness adn try not to let it rub off onto me.
If he does those things above without me having to spell them all out for him, I will have a lot more respect for him. I don't think that I would ever take him back, but at least we could have a mature co-parenting relationship once he shows that his priorities lie with d6 and his own recovery, and not his own broken-ness. At the moment - I am in despair for any sort of relationship with him, which sucks because he has been such a large part of my life. However, bottom line is, this is unhealthy energy that I cannot continue to play with. I've been burnt too much. Scars won't heal over.
