Well, I changed my subject because I will say to H that I would always be there for him, but I don't know if I can really handle that.
So, Transformer:
Been thinking a lot about what you wrote.
I think the thing for me right now is my concern about the bigger issues my H has: His self-loathing, his narcissism. These are things that I can not live with ever again. But, I truthfully really doubt that H will ever address these issues because they are so deep rooted and, if he does, I think it won't be anytime soon. That is where I stand right now about believing that H and I will get back together.
So, even though it is the affair that really upsets me on a daily basis, those bigger issues are what I can't deal with. I've previously talked to my girlfriends about how this is the "worse" in for better or worse and "sickness" in sickness and health. However, he has continually turned his back on me and has continually turned his back on taking care of his own mental health. There is a part of me that feels I need to leave because of self-preservation.
That is where me thinking about dating comes in. H and I have been together since we were 18. I have never really had any other relationships, boyfriends even. I don't remember what it is like NOT to be walking on eggshells in a relationship. So, considering I'm 29 right now, relatively young, I can't help but wonder who else is out there?
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Oh, and also, my counselor has talked to me about her concern about his personality traits. She said to me that she has counseled a lot of couples and couples can work through a lot of problems, but what I'm dealing with in my H is very deep and will require probably me dealing with it for the rest of my life.
But...I must admit. When I got married, I knew about his self-loathing. Just didn't know it would go this far. So, I guess, I signed up for that.
I'm just confused.
I do think I need to pull back from him a little bit. Again, for self-preservation.
Happy Monday? I think the go dark plan while you sort out things in your own mind is still a real good one. You may have known some of his issues before you married him, but thing have gone well past just those. I don't think it is fair to punish yourself because you knew he wasn't perfect! Rest a bit, and see how you feel later.
Sounds like things are a little confusing right now in your sich. How have you been today? I think taking some time to step back and think about where you want to go sounds like a good plan at the moment, both from what you said in your post above, and from the previous discussions we've had about babies and all that.
Like Jeff, I agree that you shouldn't punish yourself for being aware of H's problems when you married him and not knowing how far it would go. None of us can predict the future, and you can only make the decisions you make when you make them (does that make sense? it's late here!). You made the right choice for you then, and you will make the right choices now too because you are BRILLIANT!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I'm doing ok today, thank you. I have a huge project due at work tomorrow and I've been stressed about and not paying as much attention to it as it deserves. All I want to do is try and wrap my head around my feelings.
H texted me numerous times last night and this morning.
I do love him so much. Ugh.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! It sounds like you have been working really hard!
Your post reminds me of something a very wise friend told me right after the bomb dropped. She said: Focus on making yourself the most amazing T you can be! And give him space to figure out what he needs to figure out and become the man you truly believe he is capable of becoming. BUT when he becomes ready, you may be hundreds of miles ahead of him!
Beth, it sounds like you are WAY ahead of your H!
It also sounds a little like Make Up, Don't Break Up-- that frequently the roles shift and the pursuer becomes the distancer. Sounds like you are ready for your H to do the same hard work of self-examination and transformation that YOU have been doing.
It also reminds me of several people on this board who, when they really really rrrrreally let go and actually started dating, that's the 2 x 4 that woke their spouse up. But maybe if you are still feeling so much love for your H, it would not be fair to the other men you would date? Maybe it would be better to focus on going dark and going into your emptiness? It's funny, after all the emptiness you've already been through, to think there might be even MORE layers of emptiness...!! But that means more layers of self-understanding and radical acceptance to come, right?
Either way, I will support you, Beth! Whatever you do! If you decide to walk away from H, or Be There For H. And either way, the extremely hard work you are doing right now is going to prepare you to have a more amazing relationship with your H-- a brand-new marriage beyond your wildest hopes and dreams, OR, an amazing relationship with someone you like even more than your H. Either way, DBing = more love for Beth!
How did you deal with the narcissism & self-loathing during the good times of the marriage? Or did it not flare up so much? It might be interesting to explore why now it seems maybe repugnant, but before not enough of an issue to prevent your deciding to marry your H.
Good luck on your presentation! Beaming you rays of focus and clarity through the computer....
I think the thing for me right now is my concern about the bigger issues my H has: His self-loathing, his narcissism.
The common wisdom on narcissism is if you are with one run the other way fast, they only get worse. I was told by my C that my H is a probably a narcissist. Most of them never change and there is no cure. They never think they have a problem, therefore they rarely get help. HOWEVER, people can have narcissist traits without having the disorder. Before you throw in the towel, you might want to be sure? Has your H been seen by a C? Sometimes other things look like narcissism, depression is one.
My H may be one, but it may also be that the trauma of what he has done has pushed him into that behavior. One thing we don't talk much about on this site is the trauma of guilt and shame. Often I wonder if the obvious guilt and shame my H feels has pushed him into a broken mental state of self loathing.
Wow, Short. You hit on some poignant points. It is late here, so I'm going to bed, but I think you've hit something. Will talk about it later. we should definitely talk more...
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
One thing we don't talk much about on this site is the trauma of guilt and shame. Often I wonder if the obvious guilt and shame my H feels has pushed him into a broken mental state of self loathing.
I think this is such an interesting point- my H is certainly dealing with feelings of guilt that I worry are pushing him into self-loathing, and I have wondered whether it is a common feature that compounds the emotional hardship of the WAS/MLC. It must be awfully traumatic and hard to deal with, especially with the MLCer perceiving such little support, and having such a hard time articulating the source of their feelings.
Hey OD, Doing a little better today. I realized that I really need to step back and take hold of my feelings.
My H has always been a self-loather and I agree...I think he has enormous guilt over the "pain" he has caused me. When we started dating again for that month back in August, I would make sarcastic remarks about OW and what he did. Now that I think about it, I don't think he could handle that.
I tend to think H has more narcisstic traits and don't know how much I buy that he has a narcisstic personality. I don't know much about all that, it is something I've been meaning to read more about.
Going to grab something to eat...will write more in a bit.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
