Well first evening of 'nice nice'. She comes home from the store, tells me she had talked to her friend 'Deb' who 'says hi'.
We're just great friends now, aren't we.
She is supposed to give a talk tuesday about 'breathing' to a Rotary club. So she was practicing in front of D17, her BF and me. When she looked at me I winked at her and she didn't react. She is generally uncomfortable around me though but is faking it. I'm sure D17 will clue in sooner rather than later and W will spill the beans to her.
I want to hate her, I really do. But when I see her I feel these things:
I really didn't take care of myself, I hurt her because of that, and I messed up in general and it hurts.
I'm angry at her because I can't get away from thinking how she can't do the 'hard work' to make a marriage work. Just like her mother. I struggle with the 'she should have helped me'. I should have been stronger.
I feel sad for us both. I see the potential and when this should be our final battle together to find that love we both deserve - together - she can't do it. She 'feels bad' because she couldn't make her marriage work. She says she feels bad because she can't keep her marriage vows / commitment.
She expects me to maintain a house for the kids because she knows she can't do that. How fair is that?
I'm not going to become bitter. I'm just feeling abandoned - again.
There's nothing else for me to do. Find my focus, save my life, mourn the loss. I just don't want to talk to her any more. I almost start to feel relieved that I don't have to worry if she'll leave me any more. She will.
I so wish I was able to ask for help a long time ago but part of my problem was not wanting to let people down by being needy. I wish she would have done something - anything - significant to help me.
I guess that's the final lesson here. I'll let people get me through this so I can be a decent dad to my kids.
Obviously I don't belong in 'piecing' any more. I didn't bust my divorce, I just postponed it.
Where should I start a new thread?
I guess I'm also wondering if it's time to take down the pictures I put up of she and I on my office wall. I really thought I finally 'got it' and knew what was important. Too Late.
Seems like just pics of my kids and I would be appropriate.
