The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[blindsided1]

I'm sorry you have been having a hard time. I totally sympathize with having to let your S go out with your H. I can't even think that far ahead, it would just make me crazy. Jenny, you are one of the strongest people on this board. Your life is going to be just fine and I know you know this deep down. So, let him have a GREAT day with S, imagine that it is going to be really hard when he has to drop him back off at home - good, as it should be hard. I don't understand, either, how our H's could ever justify what they are doing without even trying to salvage the M. I question God everyday as to why he has inflicted this upon me, as well. Why did He have to make this so hard and put me through all this pain? Especially during a time that should be joyous and happy. There is a lesson here, and a reason. We just aren't privy at to why, yet? Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a crystal ball so that we could see what the future holds for us? It would make this soooo much easier.

Hang in there, you'll find your strength again, soon. Let us know how today went. And, stay BUSY.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi Jenny--

My H had a similar family situation and he too believes that as long as he is part of S's life then he is a better dad than his. I want to shake him and as long as I am shaking him I can shake your H too. Part of being a good dad, a great dad if you will, is being part of your family, being part of a family where both parents are living in the same house, together. Not only is it an example of commitment, but the financial benefits to marriage far outweigh those of being single. As a kid I hated shuffling back and forth between two parents. Divorce sucks for kids. We live in a community where family is key and I hate going to fairs and events with just me and my son. Every one of my sibliings is married (and quite commited to weathering the storms).

I heard something really powerful today from Joel Osteen. He said "everything is subject to change. Your change might just be 72 hours away." Every time I feel like giving up I am going to think of that.

[JennyF]

Thanks blinsided and hope2workitout.

"everything is subject to change. Your change might just be 72 hours away."

I love this!! Thanks.

Today was rough from the get-go.

My D woke up at 7:15...throwing up all over her bedroom floor. There is a flu going around and she's got it.
The poor thing sat on the couch all day. This meant that H couldn't take her to his Mom's for their family get together. He did take S though.

I have to back up a little here....I found out last night that H wasn't at a friends 30th b-day party because he was at a b-day part for OW 3 hrs away with her family. Great...he's meeting family. Anyway, so this morning I called him at 10:30 to tell him D was sick and she probably wouldn't be going. I have no idea where he was or who he was with...I don't care.

He then called me a couple hours later to see how D was and to discuss the arrangements for S. Near the end of the conversation he could tell I was shaky. I was trying SO HARD not to get emotional but I got quiet and sniffly. He actually said, "are you ok?" He hasn't asked me that in a long long time. I said, "I'm ok. I'm sorry, I got a little emotional". He said, "He'll be fine (meaning S)". I said I know...and then I said, I'm fine and good-bye.

When he came to get S I was feeding him...must be the hormones but nursing always makes me emotional. I got him all bundled up and in his car seat and had tears streaming down my face the whole time. For the first time in a long time H actually looked like had a tiny bit of empathy. He kept trying to make eye contact with me and I wouldn't look at him. I gave S a kiss and H said, "he'll be fine" and again was trying to look at me. I just turned around and ran up the stairs.

I hate it that in these sitch's I can't be stronger in front of him. It's just so hard not only to give S to him for the first time...but also knowing that he's bringing him to meet his family and I should be there too. It's not right...it is not right to do this to children so young without ever having looked at an alternative. Damn him.

Anyway, he was back within 3 1/2 hours. He had to give him a bottle of pumped milk while he was gone. He said he was fussy, probably gas. He actually said too that S cried whenever anyone held him, but as soon as he took him back he was fine. Yeah right.

While he was gone I had D to take care of. The two of us snuggled on the couch. As much as I wish she wasn't feeling this way, I didn't have to be alone this afternoon and helped it go by. I don't get a lot of time like that with D because I usually have to deal with the baby when I'm alone...so I was glad that I could give her my undivided attention for a while.

So that's my crappy day. Thank God it's over. I am keeping D home from pre-school tomorrow...I hope she's feeling better in the morning.
J~

[blindsided1]

Everytime I read your sitch it scares the heck out of me. I know it's another 5 months until I have to deal with H and OW getting their hands on MY child, but it's too hard to think about sometimes. I'm sorry your day went to bad, but it's done. I had a question for you, do you still wear your wedding ring? If not, when did you take it off? I'm fighting with this. I don't want to really take it off, but sometimes it hurts to look at it and know what it stands for and realize what he is destroying. I just wanted your opinion.

[blindsided1]

Hope your day's going okay so far.

[phbear316]

Jenny

((((HUGS))))

bear

[JennyF]

I had a question for you, do you still wear your wedding ring? If not, when did you take it off?

blinsided,
No, I don't wear them. I took them off and threw them at H (well...onto the table at him) about 15 minutes after he dropped the bomb. I haven't put them back on since.
I LOVED my rings. They are very simple, not much to them...but from the day I got engaged I loved wearing them. I loved what they meant and I loved showing that off. I hate not wearing them, but I have to admit that not wearing them has made it easier to accept the current reality.
If I hadn't taken them off that night, I probably would have worn them for longer. But it never felt right to put them back on. I hope someday I will get that chance.

See, my perspective on it now is that it would definitely send a message to H if I was to be wearing them. Right now, in order for me to validate him, he needs to know that I am truly aware of how 'over' it is. If I were to wear them it would tell him that I still have hope and to me that would telling him that was he says isn't true. And for my H, he is sick of people telling him that he's wrong. So I don't want to give him any more reasons to jam it down my throat.

I also look at this way...part of what makes easy to accept the current circumstances is that fact that our marriage is truly over. If things work out between us we'll need to start over again...a NEW and better marriage. So it helps to think of the old marriage as gone and not wearing the rings helps with that. If I put them back on, it will because we're ready to start a NEW and BETTER life together.
So it's a little sappy...but it helps.

If you were to take your rings off, your H would notice and would send him a signal that you're starting to move on. This is one way of 'faking it till you make it'. Even though you still have hope, it might be a good thing to give him that impression.
A lot of other people might differ in their opinion as I know people on these boards are still wearing their rings.
Don't take it off if you don't want to. I know I didn't like being pregnant and not wearing them. But near the end I could have just passed that off as swollen fingers!

D is still sick today and home with me. Poor little thing. H was here last night for a while and e-mailed today to see how they're doing. Funny, he asked if S is still fussy (because he was fussy when he had him yesterday). H doesn't even realize that he's like that a lot...he's just never around to see it.

Anyway....that's all. I have to go try to fit in a shower now that they are both asleep!!
J~

[blindsided1]

I don't know how I feel about taking my rings off. Sometimes I can't bear to do it. I take them off out of anger, but put them right back on. I think about taking them off when I see H, but it doesn't feel right. It feels like a game, so I leave them on. Whether that is a good thing or bad, I don't know. I'm sure he sees them and thinks "oh, see she still wants me, she hasn't accepted this". I don't know what he thinks and really, I don't care. It's my decision. I just go back and forth with it.

How is your daughter feeling? I hope today is going better for you.

[JennyF]

Hey,
D is feeling better today. Still a bit tired, but on the mend.
blindsided, you do whatever is in your heart with regards to your rings. Maybe one day when you know you're going to see him you could 'forget' to wear them. See if he notices. If he does, you could just say you took them off for a moment to put lotion on or something and forgot to put them back on. Would be interesting to see his reaction anyway.

Nothing new to report on my end. Which is a good sign I guess.
H has been quite civil with me. Came over yesterday to see the kids for a couple hours and popped out to the store to get a few things we needed. I know it makes him feel important when he can do this.

I've been expecting him to send me a schedule for a few days now of what he expects his visitation and overnights with D to look like...but he hasn't sent me anything...and I haven't asked. He seems to have accepted that I'm not going to be letting D go for overnights during the week...for now anyway.

He has been a bit nicer the last 2 days...a tiny bit more thoughtful. REALLY little things...like last night when he offered to go the store for me (I was going to go). He left while I was giving D a bath and he locked the front door before he left...hasn't done that once before now. I know that might seem really minor, but I'm supposed to "THINK SMALL" right??
Anyway, I'm taking this opportunity to DB my butt off. He is going to see me GAL. Now that the holidays are over and I got my S's first out of the house visit done with, I'm ready to put my emotions away in front of him.

I plan on taking a meditation course, so when I find out the dates I'll TELL him that is the night he can come over and spend it with S & D.

Also, my best friends S turns 3 this weeked. My D turns 3, 2 weeks later (and yes our newborns are only 1 month apart).
We usually have a joint b-day part for them, but we decided not to this year. My friend and I didn't want the hassle for one...but also because we didn't want to deal with the politics that would come with H and the whole sitch. He had already asked us to keep his schedule in mind when we planned it (he's out of town in Vegas for one weekend....incidently this is the same trip last year that H began is R with OW...or CFB as I like to call her).
So they are having a little family b-day party for him this weekend and of course we'll be going. I told H this and it was obvious that he wasn't invited. I could kind of see the wheels turning in his head as he absorbed it all. I really wonder if he feels the loss of not being included in these things? We have a really really close group of friends and he is drifting slowly away. I really wonder if and when this will start to affect him.

Anyway, not for me to worry about!!
I'm feeling good today...PMA is on the rise!
J~

[blindsided1]

Glad that D is feeling better. I have thought about "forgetting" to put my rings on. Might be interesting to see the reaction, yes.
You should look at the little things. It sounds like he was trying to be sure that you were going to be safe when he locked the door, correct? Not knowing the exact sitch, I'm assuming. If so, that's thoughtful. Sounds like a tiny 180 for him.


CFB - my mind is thinking really bad things right now, but probably appropriate