Don't know where to post about my final mediation, and the end. Since I've been in this forum the longest, and this is where friends know to find me, I will post this here.
First, thank you ALL for being with me on this ride. For giving me encouragement, advice, a shoulder to cry on. For being my saving grace when I needed it the most. I gathered all of that love when I went to mediation this week. It held me up that day, as it did on many other days in the past. I am so grateful.
So, here, goes....
My parents were at the mediation with me. XH came in, and was shocked to see my parents in the front room. He went, like an idiot, to shake my fathers hand (along with his L), my father shook his L's hand, and put his hands in his pocket when XH came near. They just sat quietly and stared at him, while he inched so close to his L, that he was almost sitting on his lap. He had his head bowed so low, and so dejected and small (I was already in the mediation room). He kept looking at my mom - hey both once had a VERY close relationship. Finally, he lifted his head, and said "do you have something you want to say to me" in a very quiet and humble voice. My mother said "well, I was wondering if YOU have something you should say to US?". He bowed his head again. My father said, "Actually, I was wondering...do you remember when you came to my house, to meet us and ask my marry our daughter...do you remember the things you said...what do you think of all that now? " XH bowed his head again and just nodded "yes." My father said he was so very close to crying.
In the joint 15 minutes, XH and his L were totally unprepared. I was answering questions about HIS assets, loans, etc. He was bumbling about his loans, got facts wrong, they didn't have their own interrogatory (our paralegal had to hand over XH's info), and XH let me speak for certain things. He tried to assert a few times, but I spoke up. It was good to have the power. I looked at him the entire time. He never once looked at me.
I needed closure, and for me it was spending 15 minutes looking right at him, and letting myself see what I felt for him. There was no love. No missing the person that he was.
It was sad that I knew and loved this person for 16 years and had to end a major relationship talking about money, and an awful ending. I wondered how it got this bitter, and I was confident that it was NOT me. When I looked at him, all I could think of were all of the things he had done in 2 years and the "man" he had become. How he used women, used people, anger at everyone, sense of entitlement, his ego, his paranoia. I thought of how abusive he was toward me. How he threw love away. I was ashamed. I thought that I could never walk into a room and be proud of the person he was. I felt like such a loser to even know him.
I didn't feel angry or mean, just dumbfounded and digusted. And (this sounds weird), in a healthy way. I felt these things because I was proud of the woman I had become. I have a long way to go, I know all of my faults like the back of my hand, but I was proud of my actions, my life, my stance. And, he was in sharp contrast. I saw that I didn't have to lower myself to match him, I could be me, and he could be himself, and it was a world apart.
For once, I didn't lower myself to meet him and his life, I didn't make excuses, intentionally look over big things, or try to "fit" into that awful existence. And, on the other hand, for once I also stopped pretending he was a man he could never be. I stopped being in love with someone that no longer existed. I stopped projecting onto him qualities and a life that he could not sustain. We were different people, with different lives. I finally just saw him for who he was, plain and simple. And, it forced me, in sharp juxtapose, to see myself for who I really was. And, it was so much better.
I looked at him, in a shirt and tie, and thought that in his convuluded life, his state of absolute mental illness, this moment - this day - was the first time he was with people who KNEW HIM. Me, my parents, we KNEW who he was, all of it, the good the bad. He could not hide. Then I realized how sad it was that afterwards, he went back to a life where he ran and hid, in arrogance and false confidence. The Mormons who he has to pay each month, and who he lies to about himself and his life. The little circle of students he teaches, b/c they are the only ones that listen to him, b/c they have to. I heard recently that everyone at work listens to what he says, and then goes behind his back to laugh together at the crazy and mean things he says. These aren't petty people - they those who have already been hurt by his actions and words. His anger and hurtful actions go way beyond me, I am finding out.
I'm not a gal who gives a crap about money. It made me sad that I had to fight for that. But, I realized that the things that DID mean so much to me were taken away without my control that this was the only thing I was left with, so I was going to do it. I also knew what I contributed to the marriage. I also knew my worth - the value I brought to his life and our life....and all I was asking was for that value back as I left. I was worth that, and I didn't care if he did not see it...I did, and that's all that matters now.
You know, before, I would have spent so much time agonizing over my outfit, makeup, hair. That morning, I dressed for ME. I spoke for ME. I fought for ME. For once, I didn't care what he thought. It never once crossed my mind that this outfit would be the last he would remember, or that I wanted to look like a knock out so he would regret his decision. Those things never even occured to me until later. I didn't care if he regretted anything - I really wanted out.
I also saw that no amount of money could pay for the stark contrast in personal situations between us. I have the love of my family and friends. Everyone knows me for me....I don't wake up recreating myself, hiding, lying, angry at the world, excusing myself.
The mediation went well. The settlement was good. I was happy and so was my family, and that meant a lot to me. In some weird way, it was a fun process and I learned a lot - a little emotional b/c it was MY life, but I enjoyed the process - that sounds weird.
At the end, XH was such a coward (big shock). He told his L and the mediator that he would not leave if my family did not leave the parking lot (we were in the car, warming it up and looking for places to eat). It was so sad that he could not even come out of the house. Afraid of 2 people in their 60s who have never harmed him in their life - even when he hurt their daughter and kicked her out of the house. How pathetic. But, it was wonderful closure for my parents, who finally felt so powerful in such a disempowering time in their life - it was a quiet empowerment - they didn't need to do a thing.
But that night was hard for my parents - they both cried a lot and were very emotional. It was the first time they saw XH - it had been 2+ years. So, in a way they were facing it upfront for the first time. AND on the same day, it was closure, the end. I was so sad for them and that made me angry at him all over again, VERY angry, a level of anger I had not felt in a long while. I felt that seeing my parents so sad and hurt. It ripped my heart out I can't explain.
Anyway, that's that. Life goes on. I'm well and have lots of hope for the future. And, it feels so good to be resolved with any loving emotions for XH. It was good to feel good about myself and in power. It was good to see how much better off I was in life. I truly never thought I would ever feel those things about myself or life without him.
One thing is so clear. He's so very sick. I saw him that day and could see with amazing clarity what an awful road it would be to live with him. The life he created for himself is nothing I would wish for myself....I love myself too much for that. It will be a sad, long and destructive road for him...with moments of respite and confusion.
Oh well.
So, off to plan my move in the next month or so. Work is swinging, and thinking lots about the future. Still moments of "what happened"....but it all seems like a nightmare now. Even remembering he man that "was" is hard to do, it's fading.
I want to, again, thank each of you for your friendship and support the last 2 years. You cannot imagine all that it has done for me. It is a big reason that amidst this madness, I myself did not become crazy. I am thankful that I am healthy and sane, and that I have the immediate ability to rebuild my life, without the worry of being so mentally distraught that I was crippled to rebuild again.
Also, I am so proud of all of you. I hope you are, too. For all that we endured and stood through. For our decisions, our stance, our values and our beliefs. I wish for each of you to look brightly on yourself the way I was able to at the mediation table for 15 minutes. It was one of the best 15 minutes of my life.
I'll probably lurk here and there, but will be scarce. Taking a break, to restart life. Know that I always send my love to each of you, and wish you all the best.
