We went to the church and it was a good sermon about getting in touch with God and channel Gods power in your everyday life. W was kind of happy, kind of stand offish. I was being positive and outgoing.
I talked to one of the ministers, 'Dee', afterwards and asked her about a book she had quoted from, and confided in her that my W was giving up on me and that I really was lost and what did she suggest. She told me her husband had been in a rut for the past 7 years and was only now setting foot in the church and trying to connect with God. She said just keep having faith and you might be surprised.
W and I went to lunch together afterwards and she says "do you think we can afford to keep the house?". I thought about the finances for a moment and before I could answer she said 'One of us should live in (our city) so the kids can finish school.'.
I said that I didn't think I could keep the house by myself, and that I wouldn't want to without her because it was 'our house'.
She said we should look at what we need to fix up and work on it in the next few months.
we were silent for a bit, I saw her eyes tear up. I asked her what was hurting her and she said "That I wasn't able to make this work, and I wasn't able to keep my vows."
I said "So you've stopped loving me?" and she said "No, I just don't want to be in this relationship any more. I don't want to be a wife. We never should have saved it because we just are not meant to be together. I've been hurting too much and it's over for me."
She's very calm, and a bit angry. I told her that I know I haven't done a good job of loving her, of loving myself, and it took me a while to get to the place where I understand what really matters. She said that she's glad that I'm finding that because she wants me to be happy but she's done.
I told her that this is the turning point, the place where we CAN make the difference and she said "No, I don't want to be married to you, can't you understand? I'm DONE!" She was starting to cry but stopped. I said that the fact that she's angry and hurt doesn't mean she's done feeling, she's just hurt and needs to visit that. So she says "What do I have to do to get you to understand? This relationship is over".
I asked her if it was 'never happy' and she said it was, there was a time when she was happy in the relationship. The past several years she said she was unhappy, even when we were doing 'fun' things.
I stopped that discussion and asked her what her 'timetable' was and she said she didn't really have one. She has to find a way to support herself first and she's not sure how she'll do that. she offered to go 'sleep downstairs' if I couldn't be comfortable sharing the bed with her. I told her that wasn't a problem, and said that I really don't want to mess with the kids school year so perhaps we could keep up a positive appearance. She said she could do that 'until summer'. 5 months.
She has no plan other than 'figure out a way to support myself' and believes I'm going to try to change her mind by changing me.
I told her that my boundary for living together was her having any kind of relationship / sex with someone else while living with me. If that happened then one of us had to leave the house because I wasn't going to go through that again. She assured me she had nothing going on and wasn't looking for anything, said "Don't you think I can make this decision on my own without having to have someone there?" she also said "As far as you, I don't care what you do. As long as you don't bring someone around the kids it doesn't matter to me".
Yeah, a lot of 'R' talk but I needed to know where she's at.
There's more but the bottom line is she is calm but angry/hurt and is determined to 'move on'. Says her only regret is putting the kids through this again, and not being able to make the marriage work and keeping her vows. When I said I was sorry that I didn't do a good job keeping my vows, but I have since learned they are important and sacred she got angry and said 'What, are you trying to make me feel guilty!?'. I said 'no, I'm just telling you how I feel.
I can't DB this. I'm a wreck and it's over. Gotta save myself somehow.
