We went to the church and it was a good sermon about getting in touch with God and channel Gods power in your everyday life. W was kind of happy, kind of stand offish. I was being positive and outgoing.
I talked to one of the ministers, 'Dee', afterwards and asked her about a book she had quoted from, and confided in her that my W was giving up on me and that I really was lost and what did she suggest. She told me her husband had been in a rut for the past 7 years and was only now setting foot in the church and trying to connect with God. She said just keep having faith and you might be surprised.
W and I went to lunch together afterwards and she says "do you think we can afford to keep the house?". I thought about the finances for a moment and before I could answer she said 'One of us should live in (our city) so the kids can finish school.'.
I said that I didn't think I could keep the house by myself, and that I wouldn't want to without her because it was 'our house'.
She said we should look at what we need to fix up and work on it in the next few months.
we were silent for a bit, I saw her eyes tear up. I asked her what was hurting her and she said "That I wasn't able to make this work, and I wasn't able to keep my vows."
I said "So you've stopped loving me?" and she said "No, I just don't want to be in this relationship any more. I don't want to be a wife. We never should have saved it because we just are not meant to be together. I've been hurting too much and it's over for me."
She's very calm, and a bit angry. I told her that I know I haven't done a good job of loving her, of loving myself, and it took me a while to get to the place where I understand what really matters. She said that she's glad that I'm finding that because she wants me to be happy but she's done.
I told her that this is the turning point, the place where we CAN make the difference and she said "No, I don't want to be married to you, can't you understand? I'm DONE!" She was starting to cry but stopped. I said that the fact that she's angry and hurt doesn't mean she's done feeling, she's just hurt and needs to visit that. So she says "What do I have to do to get you to understand? This relationship is over".
I asked her if it was 'never happy' and she said it was, there was a time when she was happy in the relationship. The past several years she said she was unhappy, even when we were doing 'fun' things.
I stopped that discussion and asked her what her 'timetable' was and she said she didn't really have one. She has to find a way to support herself first and she's not sure how she'll do that. she offered to go 'sleep downstairs' if I couldn't be comfortable sharing the bed with her. I told her that wasn't a problem, and said that I really don't want to mess with the kids school year so perhaps we could keep up a positive appearance. She said she could do that 'until summer'. 5 months.
She has no plan other than 'figure out a way to support myself' and believes I'm going to try to change her mind by changing me.
I told her that my boundary for living together was her having any kind of relationship / sex with someone else while living with me. If that happened then one of us had to leave the house because I wasn't going to go through that again. She assured me she had nothing going on and wasn't looking for anything, said "Don't you think I can make this decision on my own without having to have someone there?" she also said "As far as you, I don't care what you do. As long as you don't bring someone around the kids it doesn't matter to me".
Yeah, a lot of 'R' talk but I needed to know where she's at.
There's more but the bottom line is she is calm but angry/hurt and is determined to 'move on'. Says her only regret is putting the kids through this again, and not being able to make the marriage work and keeping her vows. When I said I was sorry that I didn't do a good job keeping my vows, but I have since learned they are important and sacred she got angry and said 'What, are you trying to make me feel guilty!?'. I said 'no, I'm just telling you how I feel.
I can't DB this. I'm a wreck and it's over. Gotta save myself somehow.
You keep on picking at an open sore and you just can't leave it alone.
Give this thing time. People change. All the words in the world are just going to roll off your W at the moment.
You need to start living the life you want to live. The one you believe will save YOU. Not your M. You. Just then you might have a chance a bit further down the line to save your M.
Everything you say shows that your W is scared and hurting and so she wants to run away - the old fight or flight thing. You cannot reason her into saying what you want to hear. She is scared. You have got to man up and show her that you are the better option. You know she cannot afford to leave and she told you that she will keep up appearances for the next few months. Use that to your advantage - you know she is not going to walk out the door tomorrow. It is also unlikely, I expect, that financially she will be able to leave by the summer.
Stop wallowing, stop reading too much into the minutae detail of evey post, and start living and moving forward. In addition, stop fretting about the things you cannot control and the things you cannot change. Acknowledge them and then tuck them away - brooding on them is not healthy or productive. You were right in an earlier post when you said you over think things - you still are doing that. At least learn from your own postings even if you get nothing from other peoples. PLEASE
BTW, whatever you do is going to hurt - whether it be try and save your M or go toward D. Neither option is without immense pain so you just have to acknowledge that and move forwards.
I am sorry if this post appears harsh, but you are obviously a very intelligent man and yet are not acting that way. So many people care about you and yet you seem to WANT to fail.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Frank, let's go the straight up route here shall we.
I watch you over and over again be able to guide lost men around here and advise them on how to behave. What to say, do, and think. Yet you cannot seem to get it through your own head.
I am not going to beat up on you here, but take some time and read your last post. What would you tell me, or FIB, if this was us in your shoes?
Where has your focus gone to Frank, I wonder at what point you lost sight of the goal here?
Your life will take whatever direction you want it to. So I guess the question is, where do you want to go?
Give this thing time. People change. All the words in the world are just going to roll off your W at the moment.
This has been going on for so long, we've been 'cycling up and down'. Affairs, DB, divorce. Don't you ever think that maybe, just maybe she's had enough?
Don't you think she isn't going to be 100% gun shy - never going to believe that if we WERE to get healthy again that it wouldn't just 'turn sour' once we're back together? That's what she's said in the past "when we're together we go back to the old unhealthy ways so we shouldn't be together".
The only reason she came back last time was because our counselor convinced her it wouldn't got that way again. I believed it too. I didn't know that I was so damaged and she wasn't going to be able to help ME.
I don't mean to be stupid here but I don't see her and I fixing it any more. she's done and as she said "It's too late, even when I change, she just doesn't want this any more". And I don't want to hurt any more. I love her and she is a beautiful soul but damaged and toxic.
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You need to start living the life you want to live. The one you believe will save YOU. Not your M. You. Just then you might have a chance a bit further down the line to save your M.
Really, this is all I can do. Save myself. At least then I can do something for the kids.
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Everything you say shows that your W is scared and hurting and so she wants to run away - the old fight or flight thing. You cannot reason her into saying what you want to hear. She is scared. You have got to man up and show her that you are the better option. You know she cannot afford to leave and she told you that she will keep up appearances for the next few months. Use that to your advantage - you know she is not going to walk out the door tomorrow. It is also unlikely, I expect, that financially she will be able to leave by the summer.
The only thing I think she is 'scared' about is whether she can make a life on her own financially. I don't think she's scared about me any more. She's done.
She's already calling her various friends trying to put together a plan to move forward with her business, her 'growth'.
That's been her goal recently anyway - now she can 'do it' since she obviously expects me to take care of housing the kids.
And all he friends will see that she is 'happier' so they will support her decisions. After all, the only thing she has to do is figure out how to 'forgive' herself for not being able to keep her marriage vows, her commitment to me. I have to let go of the blame I put on myself for not being strong - again.
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BTW, whatever you do is going to hurt - whether it be try and save your M or go toward D. Neither option is without immense pain so you just have to acknowledge that and move forwards.
I can't save my marriage. I won't help her divorce, but she'll do what she 'has to do'.
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So many people care about you and yet you seem to WANT to fail.
I don't want to 'fail'. I'm stuck with only one choice now - save myself while in this pain AGAIN. Maybe I chose poorly when I chose her and I NEED to let her go. Yeah, I made a vow also but I didn't do a good job living up to it either.
Well first evening of 'nice nice'. She comes home from the store, tells me she had talked to her friend 'Deb' who 'says hi'.
We're just great friends now, aren't we.
She is supposed to give a talk tuesday about 'breathing' to a Rotary club. So she was practicing in front of D17, her BF and me. When she looked at me I winked at her and she didn't react. She is generally uncomfortable around me though but is faking it. I'm sure D17 will clue in sooner rather than later and W will spill the beans to her.
I want to hate her, I really do. But when I see her I feel these things:
I really didn't take care of myself, I hurt her because of that, and I messed up in general and it hurts.
I'm angry at her because I can't get away from thinking how she can't do the 'hard work' to make a marriage work. Just like her mother. I struggle with the 'she should have helped me'. I should have been stronger.
I feel sad for us both. I see the potential and when this should be our final battle together to find that love we both deserve - together - she can't do it. She 'feels bad' because she couldn't make her marriage work. She says she feels bad because she can't keep her marriage vows / commitment.
She expects me to maintain a house for the kids because she knows she can't do that. How fair is that?
I'm not going to become bitter. I'm just feeling abandoned - again.
There's nothing else for me to do. Find my focus, save my life, mourn the loss. I just don't want to talk to her any more. I almost start to feel relieved that I don't have to worry if she'll leave me any more. She will.
I so wish I was able to ask for help a long time ago but part of my problem was not wanting to let people down by being needy. I wish she would have done something - anything - significant to help me.
I guess that's the final lesson here. I'll let people get me through this so I can be a decent dad to my kids.
Obviously I don't belong in 'piecing' any more. I didn't bust my divorce, I just postponed it.
Where should I start a new thread?
I guess I'm also wondering if it's time to take down the pictures I put up of she and I on my office wall. I really thought I finally 'got it' and knew what was important. Too Late.
Seems like just pics of my kids and I would be appropriate.
Frank the mistake that you are making is trying to make her see the way that you are now starting to see.
SHUT UP!
You know, I don't get this comment. She's not crazy like before, she's just had enough and thinks she needs to move on. What is it you think that 'I' am seeing that she isn't seeing?
Maybe there is something SHE is seeing that I'm not seeing?
I'm not beating you up, I'm just looking for answers. I don't understand why anybody thinks there is 'hope' for us any more. There's hope for ME as an individual, and hope for her as an individual also. But 'us'?
