H with MLC

[lad42]

Hello out there. I'm new to this. I found & been reading site for about 1 week and waiting on book to arrive. I need some advise.

Here's some of my story:

My H of almost 20 yrs. admitted to me Thanksgiving day he has been having EA/PA for 2 yrs. and said he wants D. I got the pattened I love you but I'm not IN love with you; says OW may not be the one but knows he doesn't want to be with me anymore; stayed this long because of sons (19 & 15); was going to leave when youngest finished high school (you get the pic).

I've remained calm (I find this totally confusses him). I've only raised my voice at him once this whole time and I did push him (he was VERY drunk) out of my face. It was really bad and sons wanted to do EXTREME physical harm to h. They are both lg. football players and could easily snap him in 2.

They are both deeply hurt by h's actions, lies & deceptions. S19 is very angry and wants H out of our lives forever & S15 is quiet on the issue but would like his Dad to be home with us (I'm concerned for them both).

H has not only neglected me by having the OW but also them as well. H would always be on phone with "work" for the past 2 yrs. when he'd be home with us.

I wish I'd found this site a few weeks ago. I've made some wrong decisions. Told H he was going through MLC; that he needed C (he of course said he was fine and that he'd made his decision yrs ago but I should go to C); I told him that he and OW (w/3 youngs kids) were living in a fantasy world while I & our boys are reality; told h marriages have cycles and we were 5 months away from the return to a couple phase (S15 would get a drives license & car and be less dependant on us); said I'd forgive the A; that couples have survived A's and can come through even stronger; etc.

H has more contact with S15 than S19. I believe he's jealousy of S19 because he's received more attention than H in the past 2 yrs because of an auto accident that almost killed S19. Required months of PT, doc's, and my time (I also work full time) to get him through the emotional issues, limitations & high school, etc.

H told S15 (3 weeks after bomb) that he'd like him to meet OW & that he'd like her because she hunts & fishes (S15 favorite things besides football). Yet, H hasn't meet her kids?!

H is constantly on the phone with OW either talking but mostly texting and S19 had to tell H not to speak/text OW in their presence. Why couldn't H figure that one out?

H works out of town and I used to see him 2 - 3 nights a week. H packed a back on Thanksgiving day and now he's at hotels & his mom and see I him only in passing. H doesn't call me unless it's business or child related. However, when we do speak on the phone it's as if nothing is wrong but when face-to-face it if very tense.

I really want my M to work. I truly love my H and know that I've also done some things in the M but NOTHING like H. I need some advice.

Questions:
1. Have I done too much damage?
2. I'd really love to tell him I miss & love him and that I'd like him to move back home. From what I've read this is a no-no. Any thoughts?
3. Suggestions on what I should do next?

Thanks!

Me 42
H 43
S19 & S15
M20 (in Feb 08)
Bomb 11/22/07
OW 2 yrs
Left 11/22/07

[kissak]

Soonerlady.....so sorry to see you here, but it is a good place to be for advice and support. Keep posting. There are alot of good advice givers here.

I dont think you have done any damage. I dont think you need to tell him that you love and miss him, Im sure he knows this. Everyone here will say that would pressure him and push him away. I would think telling him once would be enough. But You really cant tell them what to do, they have to WANT to do it first.

I would suggest reading Michelle's book and GAL....something I am having a hard time doing, but it can be done.

Good luck.

[lad42]

I had to call H regarding finances/taxes (he believes all I care about is the money [I have to handle all bills/taxes/finances]) and his plans with S15 for weekend. H was cheerful (usually is on phone) and told me he'd see me at the house this afternoon because they wouldn't be leaving until after I'm home from work. He actually sounded upbeat about this.

Questions:
1. Should I avoid going home until they're gone?
2. Should I go home and act as if nothing is wrong with a smile on my face because after all, I am the bigger person?
3. When H comes to the house he is usually cold/distant and doesn't initiate conversation. Should I submit myself to this so I can have face time with H since the OW is getting more face time than I am?

HELP!

________________________
soonerlady

Me 42
H 43
S19 & S15
M20 (in Feb 08), T21
Bomb 11/22/07
OW 10/05
Left 11/22/07

[sleeper]

Hi Soonerlady,

Sorry you're here but you're in the right place. You also seem to be handling this quite well.

I have read that when the bomb drops they don't want to be around us, they want to be alone. That's why they leave. Try to suppress your desire for "face time" with your H. I would make myself scarce if I were you. focus on you. Get a life. Get a new hair style, clothes, perfume, hobby, etc. Become mysterious.

Don't tell him you love him, boys are hurt, home is where he should be, he's making a mistake, etc. These statements will only make him feel bad and cause him to avoid you even more. He has to figure this out for himself.

OW is a distraction. She is a playmate. Someone to have fun, run away with. Let him go to her, let reality set in. It has probably lasted for two years because there was no reality to that situation. It was all fun and games. One day he will be with her, her children, all the pressures that entails and he will look over and see you. The woman he fell in love with years ago. Getting a life, better than ever, moving along without him, fancy free. You will be the OW and he will return to you.

[lad42]

Sleeper:

Thanks for the encouragement. I agree that OW is a playmate.

I don't think he's told the people he works with about things. Probably concerned about loosing his employees respect. She works for another division of the company he works for but in another town so he wouldn't see her a lot either. H has offices in SE USA he oversees and travels to them so he's gone ALOT!

Can't wait to see how he handles OW 3 young kids. He wasn't home for the raising of his own 2. Don't get me wrong H is a wonderful father and loves his S's (I constantly remind S's of this). But, he's job has taken him away so much that he's missed out on all the BS stuff that kids (teenagers in particular) can deal out to parents.

I think I'll work late tonight, pic up a movie to watch and go home AFTER H & S15 leave.

I need to start the GAL process. I've been needing to loose a lot of weight, always wanted to try yoga, etc. It's time for ME!!! I've given 20 yrs to H, it's my turn!

________________________
soonerlady

Me 42
H 43
S19 & S15
M20 (in Feb 08), T21
Bomb 11/22/07
OW 10/05
Left 11/22/07

[JAK58]

[/quote]I need to start the GAL process. I've been needing to loose a lot of weight, always wanted to try yoga, etc. It's time for ME!!! I've given 20 yrs to H, it's my turn!
[quote]

Sooner,

This is excactly what you need to do. If H asks you where you are/were, tell him out having a good time. Do not give details.
Do not ask about OW or have any R talk. Make him wonder if he is truly going to lose you. Make him see a strong independent person that does not need her H but does want him. be the girlfriend. Best to just work on you for now. Let him work out his own crap and own up to it.

Sorry to see you here but, you are in the presence of wonderful people that can offer so much support.

JAK

[lad42]

Hi JAK!

Thanks for the encouragement.

I am a very independent person. I guess TOO independent because I've always had to deal with everything myself because H was always gone for work. I'm not one of those needy, clingy, can't make a decision W. I think he may want me more dependent on him. Including him in decisions or at least soliciting his opinion (and honestly listening to it - one of my past faults that I'd like the opportunity to correct).

I told S19 not to expect me home right after work. Of course, S19 wanted to know if I had a date and who it was, etc. I swear, living with 2 teenage sons is like living with 2 fathers!! LOL I'm glad they love and care about their Mom.

H just called being all sweet again. I don't know. I would like to see H. They have a way of messing with our heads and our hearts!

________________________
soonerlady

Me 42
H 43
S19 & S15
M20 (in Feb 08), T21
Bomb 11/22/07
OW 10/05
Left 11/22/07

[lad42]

Didn't see H Friday. S15 & H left before I got home. Spent evening alone crying/watching movies/trying a few yoga poses.

Sat. uneventful

Today, S15 & H will be back some time today. I've curled my hair, put on make up & got dressed (no sweatpants). Will cook dinner for my family and offer H to stay if he wishes. Will be nice to H but not overly nice. I won't try and pressure him. These is hard to do when the one you love wants to be with OW and not you.

H had told me the day of the bomb that there were issues and not the OW as to why he wanted D but wouldn't talk about them until "smoke had cleared". Which makes me think that he doesn't have any. It's hard for me to not know what his issues are with our M. How can anyting be salvaged if you don't know what H is unhappy about?

H wants a D. Refuses to just separate for a while. Says he's been unhappy for years.

It's hard to GAL when all you want to do is lay in the fetal position and cry your eyes out.

It's been almost 2 months and H is still stead fast on wanting D. However, H wants me to go to the attorney (again wanting ME to handle things). I will not go!

I guess I need to put on my big girl panties and quit the crying and GAL. It's hard to put yourself first when for 20 yrs. you've put H and S's first.

[sleeper]

You are smart not to pursue D for him.

Put the burden of a D on him. If he wants one bad enough he will do it. If not, then he really doesn't want one does he?

Mine did finally see a lawyer and filed. Things came to a screeching halt when she realized I wasn't going to give her everything she wanted without a fight. We're in a holding pattern now.

Actions speak louder than words.

If he really wants a divorce he'll get one.

If you really don't want a divorce you won't make it easy.

[Treese]

Sooner;

Hello, sorry you are here but we're all in the same boat. GO to my thread and read some of the posting. You will be amazed at the similiarities in all of it. Gosh, I'm starting to get it. The more I read the more I believe it is a MLC.....all the talk.....all the same......it's like we're living with the same person.......

my thread is "need help fast #3"

((((Treese)))