Wife in Major MLC...Looking to Vent

[Tamashii]

I think she's not sure as she has pursued no further action since she filed in August.(

My W filed in July 2006, as she fulfilled her residency requirements. She waited over a year before making a settlement offer. We have tossed those back and forth, but no court dates have been set. Basically 'what ifs' but no legal proceedings.

David

[sleeper]

That's interesting Tamashii,

Sounds like she wants to cake eat in D. Wants one, but doesn't want it to hurt, so she feels you out on what you would accept.

I may be projecting my sitch onto yours. My W only wanted the house and ALL furnishings, the business and child support. She graciously offered to let me have half of the debt. Oh I almost forgot, she'd also let me have the 10 year old car while she would take the 5 year old car. How generous.

She filed, thinking we could both use HER attorney. When I retained my own, she freaked as she must have realized she wasn't going to have everything her way.

Now I'm playing a waiting game, hoping she will progress out of mlc and come to her senses before we both experience total destruction. Being a baby boomer, I grew up with the MAD philosophy of confrontation (Mutually Assured Destruction). As I recall it worked against the Soviet Union, hope it will work against the alien wife. Her lawyer charges $3 for every $1 mine charges. There's another similarity. As I recall the Soviet economy couldn't sustain the confrontation. I wonder if W's can?

"Extremism in defense of democracy (marriage) is no vice" Senator Barry Goldwater

D*mn, I'm getting old.

Do you have a "game plan"?

[Tamashii]

Do you have a "game plan"?

It's her divorce. Let her do it. I do nothing to facilitate it. If she wants it, she'll do it.

I make light (no D talk) contact with her via mail. She rarely answers the phone. She won't answer email, then cancelled the email account that I had for her. She did on her birthday (Dec 13) and we spoke for a brief moment for the first time in 18 months. I had only planned to leave a Birthday message.

I was advised by Jim Conway to stall as best I could with faith and love, in hope it will give her time to come through this.

She wanted to just walk away. She's done her best to erase me. Then she started with the settlement offers. I counter with believeable counters ( I don't make outlandish demands), but counters I don't think she'll take.

This is the legal side, the side on which I can 'do' something. In truth I can do nothing. She must come through this on her own.

The body of my work is done on the spiritual side, through prayer.

I'm also a member of the Midlife chat room and email list. This group has been very supportive, and there's much to be learned there.

You'll have to read my threads for the full monty.

David

[sleeper]

Hey Bomb, you still out there?

It's been three days since we heard from you. Getting a little worried. Last we heard you and W went to MC and you got an e-mail from OM denying an EA.

Have you activated your cloaking device?

[bombardier50]

I'm still here.

I took a few days break because W was home all weekend...didn't have to work. I concentrated on giving her plenty of space, upbeat, GAL, all that. She actually thanked me on Saturday for being "nice."

We haven't had any arguments or confrontations at all for at least 3-4 days. Our conversations have been been light and polite. On Saturday night we went out to dinner with friends. We both had a good time. Afterward, I did get a short round of the "I don't know" speech, but I just smiled, listened intently, and said "I hear what you're saying". I think that's just "backlash". Whenever we have a good time together, I get a little bit of that.

What has worked is just giving her space and being available to listen and talk.

There's been a lot of intense controversy on these boards about whether you should confront your S over an EA or PA. I'm convinced that if an MLCer wants to have an EA or PA, they're gonna do it, regardless, and confronting will just drive them deeper into the arms of the OP. By confronting, I think I almost drove her out, and I most certainly set us back at least a month or two. I don't know...probably depends on the situation.

I'm still trying to detach the best I can. It's tough though. I still get emotional, usually once or twice a day. I guess that's part of the grieving process.

I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that, despite my best efforts, this could end with divorce. One year ago I never would have imagined us divorced. Now, I've accepted the fact that it could happen. Maybe that's progress, I don't know. I'm still having trouble picturing myself as happy after a divorce. I'm afraid of being alone more than anything.

There's a report by the AARP online about midlife divorce that's both scary and encouraging. Women usually initiate it at midlife. Men in their 50s have the hardest time emotionally coping (great...). But I guess the most important thing is that after the divorce, the majority of respondents (76%) felt they made the right decision. I guess I should focus on that.

Here's the link: http://www.aarp.org/research/reference/publicopinions/aresearch-import-867.html

So...I continue to hang in there the best I can.

Bomb

[Tamashii]

I read that ridiculous article. Read The Case Against Divorce by Diane Medved. You'll get a quite different perpective.

David

[JMC]

I read that article and have read others as well. I guess it depends on how we want to view things, but I find myself concentrating on the articles that seem to suggest people experience regret after divorce (in cases where there is no abuse, addiction or habitual infidelity).

I am especially comforted by the statistic I have come across that suggests remarriage to the affair partner is very unlikely, and when it does occur, the divorce rate is very high.

I'm still trying to detach the best I can. It's tough though. I still get emotional, usually once or twice a day. I guess that's part of the grieving process.

My W moved out 11 months ago, and I still get emotional on almost a daily basis. I continue to lovingly detach and GAL, and am also coming to grips that this will end in D.

Good to hear you are doing well.

[Tamashii]

What you need to do is read Jim Conway's books. http://www.midlife.com

He is an authority on this, and he says they rarely marry OP, and if they do, it rarely lasts.

David

[JMC]

Thanks David. Although I have those books on my list.

[Tamashii]

Put them at the top if you're serious about MLC.

David