Confusion of a WAW (Thread 5)

You need to enroll in some acting classes because this is going to have to be quite a performance of acting "As If". You're going to have to ignore her attitude and keep a PMA going the whole time you're around her. If it gets to be to much, get yourself away from her even if it's just a walk around the block. You're going to have to carry the load during this time. Don't expect anything from your W.

You're right - I feel much better now after getting a break. It's really hard to be around her all the time when she is behaving so distant.

That said, I do need to get myself together and 'care less' about what she does. Doesn't do me any good at all to react to her.

Her dour attitude isn't because of you. Recognize that and things might be a little easier. It is very positive that she still loves you are cares about you. It seems like she just can't deal with much of anything these days. You need to take any pressure that she might be feeling from you away. Make sure that things are easy breezy relaxed when she's with you.

She certainly seems overwhelmed and confused. I think she's going to feel pressure with me around for a while, whether I actually do anything to encourage it or not. She has expectations as to what the time will be like with us living together, so the first thing I need to do is prove her wrong (so to speak). Other than just DB'ing my ass off and doing the right things, it's just going to take W some time to figure it out.

It sounds like she wants to make things work with you but she just doesn't know how right now. She feels hopeless. Time will help with that.

I must have totally missed that... She seems pretty firm in her admission that things are not 'going back'.

I'll say this is confusing! I remember my H at the beginning showing signs of wavering like this. The more I recognized it (and let him know I recognized it) the more he had to jam it down my throat that it was OVER. I wish I knew then what I know now!
I think that since she's letting you move in with her, she REALLY just wants to make sure that you don't think it means anything. No expectations of her. She's just protecting herself...probably from her own feelings.

Oh yes - She has made plenty of comments to make sure I know it's not permanent or anything. I don't think she has made a single positive comment about it at all - Not even related to D.

Curious thing with my W - She has made NO effort regarding legal separation or divorce. Doesn't talk about it, openly acknowledges that we have a joint checking account (she reminded me yesterday to take the $50 out of it that I put in the other day). Doesn't sound like someone who is moving on to me.

I agree with everything B said. In fact it would probably be a good idea for you to try not to be there as often as you can. That way she still feels like she has her space. I don't think you've dug yourself a hole, but your at the start of 'something' so you can totally choose how it goes at this point.

I suggested to her at lunch today that we continue to follow our current routine with D, so even though we might both be home on a Monday night, I don't have to worry about W going somewhere and having to watch D. She seemed to like that idea. Her big thing right now is her need for independence and a desire to 'not have to answer or check in with someone'. So, I figured that was a first step.

You're going to need tough skin for this Brit! Who would have thought you'd be crying on your way to move back IN with her. I feel for you and I hope that things go as smooth as they possibly can.

It's tough - We're not really moving back in together because we want to; and honestly, right now, I'd probably decide NOT to live with her based upon our interactions over the last few weeks. Not really in a position to do much about it at this point though. I guess part of me is resigned to the fact that I'm going to be living with 'this person' for a while, rather than my W.

Do your best to keep things on a friendly level. I would minimize the hugs & ILY's and anything like that unless initiated by her. And even then I'd proceed cautiously.

Yep - I backed WAY off with that stuff this week, then on Thursday she was totally different. Hugs, kisses, dragged me back in the house with D to play more. Last night (Friday), she couldn't get away quick enough after D went to bed.

So did you take the place that was 'perfect' or are you still looking?

Yeah - Waiting on background check stuff coming back. Should hear something by mid-week.

thanks Jenny!!

[bhopeful]

I must have totally missed that... She seems pretty firm in her admission that things are not 'going back'.

I was going by three things that you put in your post:
1. She loves you.
2. She cares about you.
3. She wants nothing more than to be a family again.

At the same time she also wants space from it all. She can't reconcile in her head whatever issues she's having that are keeping her from those three things.

That's what I see when I read about your situation. I think that you have hope but she needs time to heal.

Peace,
B

[lizzy]

I must have totally missed that... She seems pretty firm in her admission that things are not 'going back'.

I was going by three things that you put in your post:
1. She loves you.
2. She cares about you.
3. She wants nothing more than to be a family again.

At the same time she also wants space from it all. She can't reconcile in her head whatever issues she's having that are keeping her from those three things.

That's what I see when I read about your situation. I think that you have hope but she needs time to heal.

Peace,
B

I agree w/ B that your W hasn't given up completely. I think she keeps saying it is over because the WAS has such a hard time swallowing their pride and admiting that they may have been wrong. My H hasn't said any of the positives that your W has, but he seems to show a lot of signs that he still has strong feelings. Like your W he has made not move towards legal action. That is still giving me hope and I still see hope for you although W is in a very dark place now.

I agree w/ B that your W hasn't given up completely. I think she keeps saying it is over because the WAS has such a hard time swallowing their pride and admiting that they may have been wrong. My H hasn't said any of the positives that your W has, but he seems to show a lot of signs that he still has strong feelings. Like your W he has made not move towards legal action. That is still giving me hope and I still see hope for you although W is in a very dark place now.

Well, we just had our first night together at her house... We were already pretty stressed and exhausted after moving stuff all day long, plus we had dinner over at her parents (they watched D all weekend), so I wasn't expecting a whole lot. I got here really late (10:30 or so), and W was already setup for bed. W had switched bed sides to be closer to the door for D (she originally switched sides five years ago when we were first together). I was pretty comfy where I was, and we even did ILY/ILYT when we were going to sleep. W burst into life a little later and asked me a bunch of stuff about things I had moved and where bits and pieces were - She seemed pretty content when I told her I would make sure I got the things together for her (and I did this morning). We both went to sleep pretty much in the middle of the bed - Nice change from last time when she was practically hanging off the edge all night.

I guess around 1 or so W got up and moved to the couch. I could hear her downstairs, but I decided not to bother her. She came back up around 6 and we went back to sleep together until D woke up around 7:30. The morning was pretty smooth, and W actually got to work early for a change. I ended up working from home today so I could get some stuff cleaned up, but I'm trying to avoid doing too much around the house so as not to make W uncomfortable.

W is still sick as a dog. She looked like she was ready to just collapse this morning - Still refuses to go to the doctor though.

[lizzy]

Wow, I didn't realize you would be sharing a bed. That does put a little more pressure. Maybe you should mention that you noticed she didn't sleep well last night and ask if she wants you to sleep on the couch. Amazing how they won't go to the doctor. I think my H is finally getting over the nasty stuff he had.

Wow, I didn't realize you would be sharing a bed. That does put a little more pressure. Maybe you should mention that you noticed she didn't sleep well last night and ask if she wants you to sleep on the couch. Amazing how they won't go to the doctor. I think my H is finally getting over the nasty stuff he had.

I offered to sleep on the couch, but she refused. She was talking about getting something from a bed store yesterday, but it turns out she just wanted a new mattress for her bed...

Last night was a lot of fun - W was pretty annoyed when she came home from work, but we talked for a while and she seemed to brighten up. We had a short R talk, during which I said "I don't think either of us got very far by focusing on each other's problems rather than our own" - W seemed to like that, and she really brightened up afterwards. We picked up D, went to Wal-Mart to buy some groceries and stuff, then picked up Chinese food on the way home for dinner. W spent most of the evening after dinner working, so I did a bunch of stuff around the house and put to bed. I went to bed pretty early, but W followed me up a little later - Way earlier than her usual bed time. Came to bed, stayed the night - said she had a good nights sleep. This morning ran like clockwork - Smoother than it used to a few months ago. I got a hug/kiss/ILY when I left for work with D.

Today I didn't really talk to her much, but she called me a few times towards the end of the day - I didn't answer the first couple of calls, but I finally answered the phone when I was leaving work. She wanted to find out who was getting D and what we wanted to do tonight - Actually had a really nice conversation and talked a lot about each other's day. When D and I got home she had dinner cooking and was working on baking some goodies - Not what I was expecting at all. D and I ran out to get her some supplies to make a cake, and she's been working in the kitchen pretty much all night long. When D and I were out, she said she was going to clear out her spare room and get some stuff organized so I can put clothes in the closet and put my chest of drawers somewhere - Came home, and she'd got everything ready so I can put my clothes away...

I'm trying to avoid crowding her at home and feeling like she has to tell me what to do or entertain me. So far I think she's feeling like she doesn't have to do stuff for me, or to keep me amused, but I'm not 100% sure.

[JennyF]

Brit,
This all sound great. Just keep taking her lead. I'll it bet if felt really good for her to be making dinner and taking care of you and D, especially with how much she has relied on you. Since she's been so down lately, it will be interesting to see how her moods swing through this...but based on your last post it sounds like she was on the upswing tonight.

I think you're doing fabulously! You know I really don't use that word enough! Fabulously!

I think the first few days will be the most awkward...you'll settle into a routine and she'll realize she doesn't have to keep you amused. Although it sounds like you're already doing a good job showing her.
J~

It has been a fairly quiet week - Everything is going pretty smoothly.

Yesterday started off badly - D woke up early and W was fuming because she was tired. I left to take D to school while W was getting ready to work, but had to come back to the house because I forgot my laptop (of course, I was all the way towards D's daycare by the time I noticed). I called W to ask if she could leave my bag outside if she left before me, and she said she would - When I got there her car was still in the driveway. She answered the door when I got to it and looked really good - I pretty much just stood there and said "you look awesome". She got embarrassed, but didn't seem to mind it - Gave me a big hug and a kiss. As I was leaving she gave me some beef stew she made for lunch, which she has NEVER done.

Didn't talk much during the day at all - Just occasionally via IM, until she was getting ready to leave and said she would pick up D. On my way home she called to let me know she left the key in the door so I could get in (I don't have a key).

When she got home with D she seemed to be in a pretty good mood. Pretty much the first words out of her month when she got settled were "I was at the gym with X and Y today, and OM showed up covered in hickies... He thought he was so special because a girl made out with him". I'm pretty sure I just looked totally confused, because I was, but I said that I last thought that was cool when I was 13 or something. W agreed and we laughed about it. Not sure how accurate the story is, or why she told me, but I guess that doesn't matter.

We went out for dinner - Service was horrible, but we joked about it the whole time and played with D. W suggested we go and get a key cut for me, but by the time we got to Home Depot and found some other stuff she needed she realized she had left the keys in the car. Said she'd go out today and get one for me during lunch. We watched TV together for a while and talked a bit before I went to bed - I have no idea what time she came to bed, since I was fast asleep.

She was pretty annoyed this morning, but seemed to brighten up a little by the time D and I were leaving. I had my hands full of bags and stuff when I left, but W initiated a kiss and I told her ILY (she told me ILYT). I mentioned that D and I were going out to dinner tonight, since W is going out with some friends from work. She said she didn't have to go out until later in the evening, so I wasn't sure if that was a 'I'm coming too' statement, or just to tell me she is going out later than normal.

On the plus side I found out last night that I got the house I've been looking at, so I'll be moving in there around the start of next month. When I told W before I went to bed, she seemed happy for me and said that she hoped she could find a house like that sometime because it was really cute. I also noticed that most of W's utilities are way past due and that she even had a disconnect notice for her electric service.

Oh, and D hangs out with me all the time now - For the last couple of days whenever we're all together, D will want me to carry her, hold her hand, get her dressed in the morning. Just this morning D went crazy because she saw me walk past her bedroom door while W was changing her and wouldn't calm down until I came back and sat with her. I've been trying to have W and D do stuff together, but I don't think too much is going to happen until we get a better routine going.

[JennyF]

Congrats on getting the house Brit. That's great news.

Interesting about her bills. I also think it's interesting how you mentioned she's in a bad mood in the mornings. I wonder if it's weird for her waking up with you there...but then she warms up to it once the day gets going.

Sounds like you're doing well.
J~