On my last post, I was feeling insecure and a little unstable. I kept initiating conversations with H, which kept making me feel worse.
This week, i went to my own C, who helped me to focus on me.
I also went to H's C who was also very helpful. I had told her about my backslides and the insecurities I had been feeling. She said that she understood why I felt that way, and that most people still wouldn't be in this M after what happened. However, she said that neither H nor I can live this way (me snooping, askign probing questions all the time, etc...). she suggested that the next time I"m feeling uncomfortable to say to H, "I'm feeling uneasy. Can you give me a hug". I am going to try that.
As for H, she said that he is not all that engaged in the therapy. He comes in and says, "okay, what are we talking about today". She is trying to pull at his emotions. She is trying to show him empathy...putting himself in my shoes.
I told her I was afraid that OW would call him and he would get sucked back in, like a drug addict. She said she didn't think that was going to happen. She said that from what she can tell, he is completely committed to the M and the family. But her concern is that he just wants to sweep what happened under the rug. So she is working on that with him.
She also said, after talking to me, that she thinks that H may be a little ADHD. She sees his constant need for stimulation and how easily he gets bored and tunes out.
Some other thing we talked about... she is concerned about the R he had with his mother. She doesn't think his mother held him accountable for anything, since she was afraid that he would go live with his dad (which is waht his brother had done). So, she is trying to work on that as well. The problem with H is that he is unwilling to think badly about anybody in his family. So this is going to be a tough nut to crack.
Hmmm.... what else... when I told her about how much more engaged H has been at home, and how we had been better at resolving conflict, she was reallly pleased. She said that it did seem like we were making progress.
Now... onto the rest of my week. H had gone away Tuesday night, which was a good thing. Sometimes when I'm feeling icky, him going away is just what the doctor ordered. Since he's been home, we've been in a much better groove.
In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I am really exploring my spirituality... what I believe, what I don't... and how to lean on God. I've always had a faith in God, and more recently it's gotten a lot stronger. But for some reason, I'm really digging in and exploring my beliefs even more.
Plugging along... day by day...
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
