I read all the notes from the various meetings and remembered how I was feeling like we were being dishonest in some of the things we were 'claiming' we could do. And some of the arrogance with notes like 'have to figure out why so-and-so takes so long to do xyz'. I remember thinking then 'why am I checking up on these people, they know what they are doing'.
Or 'got to set up so and so with access to servers' when I know that they are not qualified to run MY systems with MY staff.
But there was one meeting with a small company we were acquiring where I wrote some notes and I remember feeling "We're lying to them, we won't make their company any better, we aren't in the business they're in". I hated being in those meetings. We acquired them and tanked them in a year.
Overall, I could see all the things we were talking about over and over but never doing right. I had some notes on buying equipment that we never bought. It was always 'make a plan' so we could hurry up and not do it. But they got their big salaries.
Going from 'knowing' what to do to 'always asking' and being denied.
I let it happen. I should have stopped it but I let it happen.
Here is why I COULD have stopped things, or at least influenced them: They were afraid I would leave and a lot of our success was because of all the 'goodwill' I had created within the community. If I were to leave angry, that would destroy the goodwill. People were our customers because they trusted ME, not because they trusted the COMPANY.
I remember one of the guys saying to me "Why do you care about the community, they don't care about you? They'll jump ship if someone gives them a better price for the same service."
He said "I admire your integrity but I don't understand it"
Over the next few years he was proved wrong. Other services sprung up that were a little cheaper, but customer loyalty was high - because I WAS THERE.
Amazingly enough over those years they put more time and money into the community they said 'didn't care' - they even sponsor one of the local parades now. Unbelievable.
When I decided I had to leave because it was unhealthy for me they did everything they could to convince me to stay on part time as a consultant. Not because they really needed me, they needed my NAME to still be on the roster of staff.
How do I know this? Because they TOLD me. They said people would feel more confident in the company knowing that Frank was still involved. And I felt RESPONSIBLE for everyone and agreed 'that would be good'.
F*ckers.
I could go on. We got a big deal with a fortune 100 company because of a connection I had and it turned into a 'hey, let's bill them as much as we can, they can afford it'. We borrowed $100,000 worth of equipment from a friend who owned a similar company and kept it way past the time we promised to return it, and I had to keep taking his calls asking when we'd return it. This was so we could save money!
I gave it up, instead of holding on to my integrity, my honor, my ethics I allowed them to be compromised. That was the end of me. And for what? The mistaken belief that I would have more money and more peace in my life because I wouldn't be alone running things. But THEY didn't have integrity.
And I'm the one who suffered. Always feeling 'less than' and really, just plain 'bad'. I knew I was doing things I didn't believe in but I felt like I had no choice.
I want it back. I will have it back. Starting now.
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I also found some notes from 10/99 during the first 'db' period where my W filed for divorce. I had gone to a 'kids in the middle' required class.
I wrote: Older daughter says 'Dad used to make mom feel better when she was sad'.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it meant something then.
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This is the 3rd cycle through this and it's going to f'ing end here. My wife has tried to leave me twice now and this it the third time. I can understand why, I compromised my integrity, my heart, my souls purpose. And I couldn't live with myself because of it.
I came out of it long enough to save my wife each time, but it's still a heavy dark stain on my soul.
So I don't 'take responsibility' any more because that way I can't 'fail' or 'be a liar'. I can blame someone else instead.
So yeah Amy, I lost something and now I found out what it was.
Maybe my wife will not stick around because she's lost the faith. One thing is for sure, I can't hide from this any more. I cant hide from my souls purpose.
