I am having to rally hard to turn back the despair right now and will be bowing down before my Lord shortly for some reinforcement.
It just seems with each weekend that rolls along the I am being marched one step closer to a rotten despicable divorce. Maybe this would be easier for me to take (or maybe not) if the love that i feel for two precious women was not soon going to abruptly and drastically change. While my wife and I were never blessed with having any children (she has a 19 yr old D), we (and almost without question to a greater extent myself) have gotten deeply involved in the life of a terribly neglected "throwaway child" who has spent the bulk of her life in and out of foster homes. This child has taken my life to a level that I would never have that possible in the 1.5 years I have been active in her life. Tears of joy routinely well up if not just flow freely from my eyes when I spend any length of time considering the moments that she and I have been able to share most notably within the last couple of months. When my wife and I struggled to conceive a child of our own of course the subject of how I might feel about adoption would invariably arise. For quite a while my initial view was at best luke warm with regard to adoption. But that all changed when this truly amazing gift of a daughter descended into my life. Now sure I realize that like all relationships there is the initial "honeymoon stage" that just about all of us are aware of. I am not of the belief that she has no flaws and that as a teenager she won't be a handful to parent(especially with the tapestry of issues that she will forever have resulting from a long history of her real parents atrocious physical, mental sexual abuse and trauma). I can only say that she feels as though she is nothing less than my very own daughter and the love I have for her grows by the day whether with her or not.
The heartbreaking part of all of this is that this child has for the 1.5 years that we have been involved in her life, with the passage of time, she has felt one step closer to joining our family. She has suffered nothing but abandonment all her life and I am sure was seeing my wife and I as a family and a home that would not be a mirage. And a mirage we certainly seem to be in my mind. The pain I am experiencing is tortorous to me but I am very sure that it is not even a tiny fraction of the pain that this child has had to endure through her young life.
So the relationship between my W & I appears to be forever changed for the worse and just what is in store for the blossoming father/daughter relationship which I have aparently been foolishly developing is a huge question mark.
Time to say my prayers and head of to bed and hope that something positive comes tomorrow.
May the Holy Spirit immerse you and those you love.
