Ack, where is January going? This post might sound like random babbling, but I'm just throwing my thoughts out as they come, so bear with me.
I returned from vacation a few days ago and I feel like I've been running on a treadmill ever since! I'm putting out a lot of effort, but THE LIST, it isn't getting any shorter, and kids are puking and screaming with ear infections, and H is traveling, and laundry is piling, and I'm stretching emotionally and spiritually.
So, I'm good, but I'm a little stressed out and trying to keep it all together.
After our turbulent New Year, H, kids and I went on a weekend trip with my family (several families together in a large vacation estate for three days). It was pretty uneventful and in fact a good time was had by all. From there, H and I drove with the older two kiddos to Disneyland and we proceeded to have a great, exhausting couple of days there. H dropped us off at the airport on Wednesday and then he drove to work in various cities on the West Coast.
Our interactions were all surface and pleasant on the trip. Same via phone since we went our separate ways. We're good at that, the surface stuff.
I've been struggling the last couple of days...the trust issues, frustration over the whole big picture of repentance and H's lack of visible forward motion with regards to spirituality, fretting over what my role is in all of the untangling that needs to be done inside him and our M.
I keep going back and forth in my head: I can't control him, he has to make his own choices, but his choices have great impact on my future, and that of our family...is it my place to just sit back, go with the flow, take care of myself and twiddle my thumbs patiently, or is it my place to (lovingly) kick his rear into gear?
I'm 90% sure I need to just keep focusing on me and let him do his own thing. It just makes me sad that his thing isn't the same as my thing, does that make sense?
Really, looking at the roller coaster I'm on now versus past coasters, I'm doing much better at rolling with the emotions and letting the panic slide off my back. I'm looking more at myself, deeper into myself. But that brings anxiety with it, because the deeper I look, the less I think that H and I will ever be on the same page.
