I'm having an episode. I get 'em. I have a run of nights when I can't sleep. I kind of get manic... kind of like panic attacks...
I spent five years of my life when I didn't sleep the whole night through... cuz of the sexual abuse. Always happened at night. So... I didn't sleep.
If I get the slightest bit anxious about anything... I whazz... get this stupid... calm thing... then I don't sleep. At all. For like three to five days. Then...
War wounds. Just gotta deal. Being single... it happens way more often. It isn't that I am a nut case. I know what is happening... when I went through the D... it got really bad...so... I'd drink myself into oblivion... at least I could sleep. And it wasn't really sleep... more like something else came along and just did what needed to be done.
Hence the anti-Ds.
This pink eye thing has me all a-tizzy... and it sets off this whole cycle. I know in my mind that there is nothing to fear... shrink says... it just is. So when it happens... I just go... get a lose dose anti-D... calm down...
And I really hate it. I feel like some freak. I'm not. I'd never tell anyone in my shoes to ever feel that way.
Just go do it. Do what you have to do. It's okay.
It just pisses me off that I ever had to be like this. I didn't do anything to anyone. <-- Poor me syndrome.
Guess that is why I am always so ready to throw gloves off. When the cycle starts... it's like... oh... you want to know? Let's dance... you know.
This whole pink eye thing is nothing I want to freak over... I just do. And it starts to happen... sometimes I can get a grip... it's like laying in a bed at night... and five nights now have passed and nothing has happened... and you are so grateful for the five nights... but you couldn't sleep anyway... cause you don't know when it's going to happen... and then you get tired on the sixth night... boom... nailed. And now you resent the five nights you took for granted.
