Aussie Girl stuggling with MLC Husband

[Essie]

Hi
I've been reading the forums and posts here for a while and have finally decided to add my own post. I have learned so much over the past few months from reading these posts - thanks to everyone for their wisdom and generosity in sharing their stories.

I'm pretty sure my husband is having some sort of MLC / Identity crisis. He admitted he had cheated on me a year ago, we then spent a year trying to work things out (i.e me nagging, clinging and trying to change him - whoops!) before he said he wanted to leave. His Dad died when he was little, and he had a very dominating mother - and then married me (a bossy older sister!!) I think he feels like he missed out on being an irresponsible teenager, because he had to look after his mum, and now he is going to make up for lost time. I dont think there is another person in the picture at the moment, but he made it pretty clear that he doesnt want to be married anymore. The whole typical ILYBINILWY etc, "Ive never loved you" etc etc. He went from being the most wonderful, generous, caring person, to angry, selfish and pig-headed! I've spent the last year wondering why I would want to stay with such a loser and then swinging to being madly in love with him and desperately trying to convince him to stay and work it out.

Anyway after he left I found the Divorce Remedy and have been reading as much as I can about MLC etc. Have been pretty proud of myself for DB most of the time. I am much more detached from him and his craziness, and I've found that "choosing" to be separated and accepting that I cant change him or our situation right at the moment has been really helpful in keeping my emotions in control. Which of course helps to do LRT. Sometimes when its really bad I ask myself "Can I accept that I'm separated from H for the next 1/2hour?" and then I can see that I will be fine with or without him. So much better than being upset about something that you cant change!

We've settled most of our stuff very easily, and cause we dont have children there are not a whole lot of excuses for him to contact me (and I'm being very good and not contacting him at all - which is a total 180 for me). He did call me tonight and I was bright and happy. We talked about a few outstanding money details and I said something like "oh that can just wait until the divorce is finalized before we deal with that" and then I joked about how much of a pain it will be to change my name back to my maiden name, because of all the details and forms etc.

Was it wrong to refer to getting a divorce? (At the time it seemed like I was showing him that I'm accepting his decision). I know I really should have steered clear of any relationships talks....... dammn why is this so hard. I know for sure that he is not sitting at home stressing about the conversation, so why am I? I need to GAL!

[LooseThread]

Hiya Aussie buddy! I'm in the Land of Oz too. I don't have time to post now (gotta put d6 to bed) but just wanted to say hello! I'm over in the west...where are you?

[Essie]

Hi LooseThread. I'm in sunny Brisbane - praying for some more rain! Hope you have a good day.

[One Day]

We talked about a few outstanding money details and I said something like "oh that can just wait until the divorce is finalized before we deal with that".....

Was it wrong to refer to getting a divorce?

Hey Essie,

So sorry that you're finding yourself on here, but you'll get great support- there are really inspirational people posting on these boards.

I wouldn't see it as a bad thing to have mentioned the D word to your H. When I first found out about my H and the PA, I went a bit crazy, threw my rings at him and said I would get a divorce. Generally did everything a good DBer shouldn't so! But since then, I haven't mentioned it and he hasn't brought it up either, and things are looking a bit better now than they were then (2 months ago).

So my advice would be to not worry about it too much, get out and do some good GALing, and not to bring the D word up again.

Hope you have a lovely day today. How long have you been separated for (if it's OK for me to ask)?

OD.

PS. Thankyou for your lovely comments on my thread!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yeah, don't mention the D again.

You seem to have a great handle on dealing with missing him. I like the 30 minute part of it.

What part is specifically so hard? : ) that is rhetorical all of it is hard, just to different degrees.

The relatiosnhip talks? Ahhh...just Don't. The opposite of Nike.
Just Don't Do it.

I know for sure that he is not sitting at home stressing about the conversation, so why am I? I need to GAL!

Well....unless you're physic telepath, and if you were I would hope you used THAT power for good, or were REALLY fabulously rich, You don't know what he is doing or thinking when your not around.
So why worry about it? Either way, one you don't know, Two if you did you cannot control it.

GAL - what do you do for fun? Go do it. What have you always wanted to try to do? Go do it. What are you afraid of, what are your fears? Go conquer them. The last part REALLY helped me out.
I mean NOTHING had been as scary or as painful as being an LBS with 2 boys, my wife f-ing my former friend. To that end, My old fears...phhhpt. Piece of cake. Faced my fear of heights, bungie jumping, some of the crazier amusment type rides, called the slingshot. Going sky diving this summer. Spiders don't scary me...though they creep me out a little still.

Do something, better yourself, learn something, GAL.

[Essie]

I've been separated for 3 months now. At first any contact we had was really strained and H was very defensive. About a month ago I realised I just had to accept that he has chosen to leave me and I can chose to accept it even though I dont like it. Since then whenever we've had contact its been really nice and normal - like old friends catching up. I think that it's mostly because I'm OK and he picks up and reflects on that. The hard part is that it makes me miss him more.... I guess when all the relationship tension is gone all that is left is the friendship we have / had?

Thanks for your advice - I know that in the future I have to steer well clear of any divorce / relationship subjects.
I actually dont know how much contact we are going to have. At the moment I cant think of any reason he would NEED to contact me for the next few months. I'm setting a goal of 30 days no contact initiated by me starting yesterday. Not sure what I will do at the end of 30 days - maybe a few prank calls (just kidding!)

We moved countries a little over a year ago, and the friends that we had made were all couples. Its really hard starting over again and meeting new people in a city where you dont have a big base of old friends. I've signed up to be a volunteer at the Children's hospital (thinking it will be the perfect place to meet a handsome doctor! Ha Ha!) Any other suggestions for meeting new people?

[Essie]

Jack_3-Beans
Well done on the bungee jumping. I have no idea how anyone could be brave or dumb enough to jump off a bridge! For someone reason sky-diving seems less scary, because the instructor will just push you out of the plane!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If the rope snaps or the chute doesn't open. I am going to enjoy the view all the way down. : )

Dumb, not brave, not when you have a choice, but not to many ways to beat a fear or falling or heights, you know?

[Essie]

I've had a good weekend. My H is good friends with my next door neighbor and most weekends he visits at least once so they can go wake boarding together... Last week he also spent most of the weekend there because H is a builder and he is helping his friend do a renovation. Anyway its torturous for me because I can see his car at the next door neighbors and so I'm wondering what he's doing and if he is going to come and see me (he does approx 1 in 3 weekends). This weekend I decided to go and stay with my parents - to create a bit of mystery but also to give myself a break from thinking about him so much. So weekend was very nice and I will do it again soon I think.
I think I might do a course in belly dancing as a way to meet new people.

[ba065]

Essie: I ready your post to One Day and it sounds like you are handling your sitch very well. I am impressed that you have gone dark....glad to hear it may be working for you.

The belly dancing sounds like fun!

BA