It is so wonderful to see you back with Faith fully restored!!! You do know that all you've done will not go without reward. God measures us in so many ways, even our weaknesses shows strength to Him.
Quote:
Quote: If you can't speak to him in truth AND love, just shut it because it's not going to do either of you any good when you speak from that spirit of offense that's attached itself to you.
Well by golly Bob......I do believe this is what you posted to me. Funny thing is, it held more meaning to me when I re-read it again on your thread. I guess you could say after reading through your entire thread...I understand it.
We did speak for about 15 minutes. It was a wonderful 15 minutes. I have nothing more to give than truth and love. The hatred is gone, the hurt is gone, the wanting of revenge - gone. I just wanted to have an open and honest conversation with this man whom I loved so much for so long. I did. It was mindless chit chat but you know what? It felt GOOD! For the brief 15 minutes the "spirit of offense" had detached and has yet to re-attach. I don't think it ever will again. That alone is another weight lifted from these overly tired shoulders.
So Thank You Ms. AmyC (Thank you GOD it's no longer Humpty Dumpty) for being who you are. For being so helpful to so many. For being a bitch when it's needed sorry, just had to throw that one in cuz I felt myself getting all mushy.
Oh for your information......the only "mark" it left on me, was a "mark" of clarity as never before.
You know I love you, you crazy brunette!!!
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Ephesians 6:12. I read that entire chapter in church, from up front, 2 weeks ago. We used to go around and each of us read a verse from a specific chapter but I guess some people were feeling awkward about reading aloud and not comfortable just passing, so i threw a hissy fit, and said that that may well be the only times some people even get the information in the bible, especially the teenagers. So, we agreed that those of us willing to read would take turns coming up and reading a chapter, and because it was my idea, I got to read the first Sunday. I picked that one because it is the one that I read when things get tough.
Now, I consider myself a pretty tough chick. I can shoot a weapon, and pretty damn well. I know some Taekwondo. THe kids and I singlehandedly cut, split and stacked our 5 cords of firewood for the winter. I have almost 4 feet of snow that I deal with on a daily basis. I can take it. Thing is...I don't need any of those skills. I have the armor of God. The breastplate of righteousness. The Sword of Truth. That is all one needs.
You said a few days ago that if you did anything about your daughter or husband, one of them would hate you for it. If there is one thing that I learned, that my C tried to drill into my head...it is that sometimes that is what you have to do. Let him/her hate you. Guaran-freakin-teed they'll get over it and even respect you for it. They will. The three of you are all fumbling, trying to survive, but not one of you is strong enough to keep everyone going, so it is time for the one of you (YOU) who can see clearly, to take the reins. Take charge. Take your daughter from his household if she is witnessing his drinking. Let her and him both be mad at you. You only get one chance at this parenting thing, don't make the mistake of letting your daughter be tramatized, as so many of us are, because that will take years to undo, and will affect all of her relationships as an adult.
LET him be mad. Let him stomp around and not speak to you. Let him do what he feels like he needs to do.....and then if he wants to drink in solitude, let him. Be Strong Amy!
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Did you have a chance to read this comment I posted on my thread about my friends wife and what 'support' looks like?
Quote:
His example: He was stuck, drinking, playing video games and basically not doing anything to find a job because his self esteem was in the crapper. She basically sits him down with a notepad and some ideas on places they could live where he could find a job, and they start coming up with the pro's and con's of these places. She helps put together an 'action plan' and they start moving towards a goal.
He was resistant at first, but she was enthusiastic and wasn't going to let him just walk away from the discussion. Then SHE followed up with some of the actions needed.
This is so much in sync with the stuff I posted yesterday about people who get stuck in anxiety and how they need to be shown that they DO have some control over their life so they can pull themselves out of it.
I was getting ready to write a new prayer and I wanted to look at the Power of a Praying Wife book. I went to my nightstand where I thought it was (It wasn't there) and I found the legal pad that had my VERY FIRST Bible notes in it. I flipped up a couple pages and read this:
"Jesus always faced satan from a position of knowing. Knowing that His Father gave Him power over satan. Jesus gave this same power to the believer.
Satan will seek to separate families..
He plants seeds that will break unity.
Unity is what brings power to the Holy Spirit."
What has me flipping out is my Pastor once told us "if you lose something, go back to the beginning and you will find out where you lost it".
For the last several weeks I have been trying to figure out what "the beginning" was in my case.
Now I know because this legal pad is from my first months in the church. One particular study, too: "Stategies of Satan". This is where I got all the tools I used when I came out of MLC. Here's the kicker, where I lost it...2 pages past the talk about how satan comes against the family are notes I began taking when I enrolled myself in an End Times Correspondence Course - I got so caught up in the Books of Daniel and Revelation that I completely missed the warning I had just received. Furthering my belief that that's how long ago I "lost it" is the fact that I just tore through my closet to a basket of books I have had for years. I basically picked up the basket when I moved, tossed it into the closet and forgot all about it. My original study guide on the Strategies of Satan was in it. I just found every single tactic of the enemy and at the end of the book every biblical reference for a believer being placed for VICTORY.
I have chills. I am excited. I also want to cry.
I sat on the couch every night when my husband came home from work studying those stupid End Times books and I didn't hear the warning. I didn't know to stand THEN.
And then the MLC came.
And now, 5 years later, I am back at the beginning.
I read all the notes from the various meetings and remembered how I was feeling like we were being dishonest in some of the things we were 'claiming' we could do. And some of the arrogance with notes like 'have to figure out why so-and-so takes so long to do xyz'. I remember thinking then 'why am I checking up on these people, they know what they are doing'.
Or 'got to set up so and so with access to servers' when I know that they are not qualified to run MY systems with MY staff.
But there was one meeting with a small company we were acquiring where I wrote some notes and I remember feeling "We're lying to them, we won't make their company any better, we aren't in the business they're in". I hated being in those meetings. We acquired them and tanked them in a year.
Overall, I could see all the things we were talking about over and over but never doing right. I had some notes on buying equipment that we never bought. It was always 'make a plan' so we could hurry up and not do it. But they got their big salaries.
Going from 'knowing' what to do to 'always asking' and being denied.
I let it happen. I should have stopped it but I let it happen.
Here is why I COULD have stopped things, or at least influenced them: They were afraid I would leave and a lot of our success was because of all the 'goodwill' I had created within the community. If I were to leave angry, that would destroy the goodwill. People were our customers because they trusted ME, not because they trusted the COMPANY.
I remember one of the guys saying to me "Why do you care about the community, they don't care about you? They'll jump ship if someone gives them a better price for the same service."
He said "I admire your integrity but I don't understand it"
Over the next few years he was proved wrong. Other services sprung up that were a little cheaper, but customer loyalty was high - because I WAS THERE.
Amazingly enough over those years they put more time and money into the community they said 'didn't care' - they even sponsor one of the local parades now. Unbelievable.
When I decided I had to leave because it was unhealthy for me they did everything they could to convince me to stay on part time as a consultant. Not because they really needed me, they needed my NAME to still be on the roster of staff.
How do I know this? Because they TOLD me. They said people would feel more confident in the company knowing that Frank was still involved. And I felt RESPONSIBLE for everyone and agreed 'that would be good'.
F*ckers.
I could go on. We got a big deal with a fortune 100 company because of a connection I had and it turned into a 'hey, let's bill them as much as we can, they can afford it'. We borrowed $100,000 worth of equipment from a friend who owned a similar company and kept it way past the time we promised to return it, and I had to keep taking his calls asking when we'd return it. This was so we could save money!
I gave it up, instead of holding on to my integrity, my honor, my ethics I allowed them to be compromised. That was the end of me. And for what? The mistaken belief that I would have more money and more peace in my life because I wouldn't be alone running things. But THEY didn't have integrity.
And I'm the one who suffered. Always feeling 'less than' and really, just plain 'bad'. I knew I was doing things I didn't believe in but I felt like I had no choice.
I want it back. I will have it back. Starting now.
--
I also found some notes from 10/99 during the first 'db' period where my W filed for divorce. I had gone to a 'kids in the middle' required class.
I wrote: Older daughter says 'Dad used to make mom feel better when she was sad'.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it meant something then.
--
This is the 3rd cycle through this and it's going to f'ing end here. My wife has tried to leave me twice now and this it the third time. I can understand why, I compromised my integrity, my heart, my souls purpose. And I couldn't live with myself because of it.
I came out of it long enough to save my wife each time, but it's still a heavy dark stain on my soul.
So I don't 'take responsibility' any more because that way I can't 'fail' or 'be a liar'. I can blame someone else instead.
So yeah Amy, I lost something and now I found out what it was.
Maybe my wife will not stick around because she's lost the faith. One thing is for sure, I can't hide from this any more. I cant hide from my souls purpose.
On my husband's birthday (December 1st) I quoted an old post of mine in the MLC forum. It was this and the part I have put in bold is relevant to today. Why I keep coming back to this one post some may wonder. I no longer wonder.
Quote:
I learned a new definition for the word filibustertoday. In Church. And it gave me something to think about and it can be applied to our situations very effectively. The definition is below....Keep reading if you want to know how it applies to us...
Filibuster is the historical name, used predominantly in the 19th century, for private individuals who settled in foreign states with the intent of eventually overthrowing the existing government
Any of us, while we were lost or even if we were just uneducated in the ways of matrimony, caught up in our own selfishness, too busy to notice the sad condition of our homes...whatever the source of our marital problems, we can be considered to have been residing at that time in a "foreign territory". The enemy's territory. Only his work was being done at that time: destroying the family from within. For example, it applies to me in that I was lost and deeply mired in the sin of adultery and all the other sin that entails....so I was residing in a foreign territory - wholly welcomed by it's 'government' - living in the enemy's domain. Accomplishing his work and destroying my family.
But soon there came another Another who represented a better Government. He set me free - opened my eyes - forgave me - and I joined HIS battle to take back all the enemy had taken from me while I was deceived.
And now it's war. What will you do? What will I do? Will we fight for what we know is His WILL...that our marriages be brought back from the brink of divorce TO HIS GLORY?
It only takes one person to stand up and change things. Change the ENTIRE course of events. All throughout history there have been men and women who have done so for causes less than ours and causes EXACTLY like ours. Our cause is His cause. So all of heaven is behind us and there's nothing in hell or from hell that will change that. Unless we lay down. We are called to stand. We have to stand there against everything that comes against us but we are not standing without protection. We have the Armor of God and He tells us to put it on...
Gird your loins with Truth The Breastplate of Righteousness Feet shod with preparation on the Gospel of Peace The Shield of Faith The Helmet of Salvation The Sword of the Spirit
And so we fight.
Do we get tired? Yes. Do we get disillusioned? Yes. Do we give up? The truth is some will. I came close.
The more believers that gather, the stronger we are. And we have the only weapon we need. The Word. It doesn't matter what the circumstances say to us, or even what our spouses say....it only matters what God says but we have to claim it and KEEP CLAIMING IT until we see the manifestation of our faith. That is the restoration of our marriages. The facts may be that we and our spouses messed up really bad. The facts may be that we don't see any signs of reconciliation. The TRUTH is God said He will "restore the years the locust has eaten"...He did not say He MIGHT restore. He said He WILL. We are always asking Him for something. Maybe now He wants something from US. He wants to see faith. Yes, He wants us to believe in what we do not see. THAT'S what faith IS.
In the Gospel of Luke are several stories where Jesus said to someone "your faith has saved you", "your faith has made you whole". Another story tells of a man with palsy who's friends, trying to get him to Jesus, lowered him down from the roof into the house where Jesus was...they so believed He could heal their friend...the Bible says "when He saw their faith He said to the man 'your sins are forgiven'". It's about faith. And if faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain, we have what it takes, through Him, to save our marriages. He said in Luke 10:19 "Behold I give you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you."
We are in a battle. It doesn't matter if you THINK you are or not. Or if you WANT to be or not. You ARE in it. Everyone is. It is only a question of which side.
I went to church again today. In light of events last night, wild horses couldn't have kept me out. That being said, I had to fight to just wake up and get motivated. Thanks to Frank's post, I became motivated to see just what else God had to say.
My Pastor began talking about how one study says that 85% of the church today has reached a plateau. That is, they've progressed as far as they were going to. From there, they will decline. That happened to me. And I declined. I wrote, but did not post, last night that for the last year I really been a half-assed believer (excuse the term). I had plateaued. Even backslidden. Upon the separation, I found it increasingly difficult to stand in this environment; this apartment. Then, the world lured me out further and I slipped into unbelief. Unbelief is faith. It is faith that God is not going to fulfill the promises He gave to us. Well, that is not the kind of believer I am in my heart. I believe. I had just not been fully persuaded. I hadn't received the conviction, based on hearing. I wandered off course.
Faith speaks NOW. Hope speaks of something TO COME. Starting today, I thank God for the deliverance of my husband and for his salvation. Not that IS COMING, but WHICH IS. Remember, the unbelieving spouse is sanctified by the believing spouse, that is "set apart" or "made holy". Faith enables us to possess what has already BEEN PRODUCED. When I became a believer, every promise of God was mine. Same for you. All that was left was to walk in those promises. IN SPITE of what we see or feel. WE ARE CALLED TO WALK BY FAITH, NOT by sight.
When referring to plateaued Christians that return, my Pastor said:
"God does not say this is not going to happen because you missed the time period".
That spoke directly to my concerns last night about having missed the first warning I had that should have told me to pray for my family.
I referred last night to having found my original legal pad from when I first began to go to church, prior to MLC. I referred to having flipped up a couple pages and seeing written down the warning about satan destroying the unity of the family. What I did not write was when I flipped the legal pad pages back down, on the first page was written "Why do you call me Lord and do not the things which I say?". I pondered that last night, knowing I haven't walked the walk. Well, this morning my Pastor said to turn to Luke 6:46. Guess what it was? Yep. It was that verse. At that point I was just kind of stunned and then the third thing happened (in Pentacostal circles we call that confirmation ). He said in "Luke, there is a story of a man whose friends believed so much that when the crowd was too big around the house where Jesus was, they cut a hole in the roof and lowered him down to Jesus. Jesus responds to faith. But He did not respond to the faith of the man on the cot, He responded to the faith of the believers, the man's friends, that lowered him down and the MAN WAS HEALED". Then my Pastor said "if you want your family members saved, get them into the presence of the Lord". Faith is visible. Faith is action. Faith is NOW.
Guess how our family members get into the presence of the Lord in these earliest stages?
Through us who believe and have now positioned ourselves according to the Word.
It's us that has to carry the cot so to speak. Us that has to dig, fight and push through the crowd (of demonic influence as well as our own doubts) to get our loved ones to Jesus.
I don't know about you, but this is my calling. I don't know why and I didn't ask for it. But for some reason, He saw fit to equip me. I walked away last December. I plateaued and then I declined. But in His mercy and grace, today He took me back.
sorry, just had to throw that one in cuz I felt myself getting all mushy.
). He said in "Luke, there is a story of a man whose friends believed so much that when the crowd was too big around the house where Jesus was, they cut a hole in the roof and lowered him down to Jesus. Jesus responds to faith. But He did not respond to the faith of the man on the cot, He responded to the faith of the believers, the man's friends, that lowered him down and the MAN WAS HEALED". Then my Pastor said "if you want your family members saved, get them into the presence of the Lord". Faith is visible. Faith is action. Faith is NOW.